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Smile of Fear

Goodbye, so long ago,
Echoes in a frail hello.
The eyes more pained
The smile changed
Since our parting long ago.

Entwined, so long ago
Promised we'd never go
A stagnant tear
A smile of fear
To reminisce of long ago.

In lieu of long ago,
Goodbye the new hello.
Remain discreet
And ne'er repeat
The beauty of long ago.

Author notes

I'd like to make it known that the repitiveness of the poem is purposeful, as few people seem to have realized in their critiquing, both an AP and on this side of the screen.

{option #5, Title given by pheonixonfire}
Written June 23rd, 2006

A contest entry

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Chelsea dagger
    June 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    <3


  • Lady Altheia gold member
    June 25, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    The flow was very nice. I like the repition of the piece. Nothing special jumped out at me though. It is overall a nice poem.


  • honey bear
    June 24, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    very good

    i enjoyed this very much thank you for sharing this with us and keep up the good work. good luck in the contest with this great write

  • Vidia Fvae Xeiden
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Good

    hmm, yes, the ...so long ago's.. should be spaced with more room between them and the rest of the words,so that the repetitive use appears more like a headline to each set ...or like a chorus,whispererd through one lovers narative.it would make it appear more purposefull in its use..as youv stated its purposefull....Stage the way its read, i read it to fast the first time, and this poem realy makes sence to me when read a little slower, with more pause used.

  • jh64
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    There is nothing wrong with repitition in poems as long as it enhances the theme and what you are trying to convey. There is a hidden meaning in here that I can see but will leave it up to the readers to see themselves. Good write and good luck in the contest.


  • SarahD
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I thought that this had quite a bit of depth and appreciate the difficulty of coming up with something for someone elses title - you rose to the challenge though! A little bit repetitive, but overall effective!!
    Sarah Louise Hudson


  • countrybabe gold member
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Good Luck

    Well done on this piece. I loved the flow and the emotion in it. Good luck to you in this contest.

    Keep writing

    Countrybabe

  • Jakob
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you muchly.


  • hylian90
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    Wow...Another winner, Jake! I love the imagery, the way you really get the reader to understand where this guy is, trapped in a painful past, can't move on. Just stuck.

    Awesome.

  • phoenixonfire
    June 23, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Perfect ! this is beautiful...i love the way u have taken the option i have given u and twisted it into an amazing poem! very well done!
    thanks for entering and keep it up !
    preets
    Edited on Jun 26, 1:31 because ''.

1 - 10 of 10