You see her walk alone,
Head down in shame.
She's the only one who knows,
Shes the only one to blame.
She feels lost and alone.
She can't tell a soul.
What would they think
If she lost control?
She wonders if what she did
Was indeed the right thing.
She suddenly feels she is
A bird with no wings.
She can no longer soar
The way she previously did.
She hobbles along,
Keeping her feelings hid.
She's detatched from the world,
Wondering about lost life.
Wishing she could have it back,
Wishing to rid this strife.
But it's too late now.
She's murdered her own child.
All of this because
She got drunk and went wild.
She took away a life,
That could've been unique.
She was just too selfish.
She was way too weak.
Now she will be burdened
For the rest of her time,
Knowing she committed,
In fact, a legal crime.
Author notes
Written June 22nd, 2006
candy coated acid trips
3E. Anything else related to crime and how the CRIMINAL thinks.
I don't know if this is exactly what you wanted or not...i think this just gives a different spin on your option =)
A contest entry
- If I had a little Red Box by Ilitilian.
400 points, ended July 17, 2006, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inside The Mind: 5 Options With Sub Options, Deep - Points Will Rise by xxRainbowDawnxx.
450 points, ended October 2, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme Time by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended October 12, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [Rainbow Colored Screams]- & -{Cyanide Sprinkled Dreams} by xToxicxCupcakesx.
315 points, ended November 7, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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beautiful..
indeed, abortion is a murder under a different label.
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Wow! I love this poem. The writing techniques that you have used are very effective! I particularly like the lines, "and suddenly she feels like a bird with no wings", "all because she got drunk and went wild," and "she committed, in fact, a legal crime." Very well written!!
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Harsh Reality
I feel that anyone who chooses to abort their own child, a piece of their own body should feel ashamed and guilty. I don't care if it IS legal, it is still murder, just the same. Great write.
mandie
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wow!!! My words have escaped me... This was full of so much emotion. Tears... I never knew i had so many.. Why would someone do this to a child? Why... The rhyme fit so well you did this beautifully. Just wish it was the truth about some!! Great write
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omg wow!
that is great!
but now i am sad
the rhyming was great and not forced
and the message behind is is amazing -
Aw...I'm sad now..
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Because I got so many entries, I am going to judge this a little different than I normally do. On the contest page the challenge was to write a rhyming poem that shows instead of tells, with imagery and metaphor galore. In addition to those things, I am going to take the meter and rhythm into account along with originality. So I am going to award points for each of those things and then sort of tally them at the end to decide on the winners.
Show vs. Tell: 60/100
The poem tells more than it shows.
Concrete Images: 60/100
Metaphor/Symbol/Allusion: 70/100
Originality: 40/100
Meter: 80/100 -
I agree with you, hon. Abortion is wrong in many ways and you would end up regreting it, or at least deeply questioning your decison. It should be illegal. Why not get the child adopted after it's born? Do something, but let the little thing live a life. I loved the way you expressed this, showing compassion and letting your feelings flow in at the same time.
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This is a good poem; it has great emotion and relates the girl's story well. Now, here comes my suggestion; prepare yourself: You've used really simple rhymes which is okay, but it comes off a bit childish. Using two or more syllable rhymes would give all your poetry a more sophisticated air. I'm sure you have seen some contests that say 'no rhyme unless you're awesome at it'; well that's what they mean. Perfect one syllable rhymes are called baby rhymes because they're used in nursery rhymes. The rhyming also got you in trouble in stanza four:
'She can no longer soar
The way she previously did.
She hobbles along,
Keeping her feelings hid.'
The last line is really bad grammar. When you get stuck like this or can't think of any complex rhymes I suggest you use a rhyming dictionary. My favorite is at dillfrog.com; here's a link to it:
http://legacy.dillfrog.com/tools/rhymer/sound.asp
So, like I said before, it's a really good poem by way of form, emotion and imagery. Oh, and please don't take any of my suggestions as a slight and feel free to ignore me and delete this comment. I admit that I'm not the perfect poet and I don't know everything; these are just my suggestions.
Best wishes,
Lady Lilly
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Ok i'll admit... I could tell going in exactly where you were going with it... another review says it caught them by surprise... but the title and the blatant picture on the side panel over there tips your hand if you were trying to surprise with it.... I don't think you were though?
For constructive stuff... there are a couple easily fixable rhythm stumbles here and there... the only rhyme that stuck out as reachy to me was the "got drunk and went wild" rhyme.
You do maintain the tone and message well though, and I do like the ending... nicely done
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Holy crud! This poem at first had me thinking something was going to happen to the girl...and then it gets switched around. Amazing poem. One of my friends has gone through multiple abortions, and I just see her face in my head as I read these words. The background is great for this poem as well. It brings out hard core feelings inside. I don't like writing "great write", but this is defintely one of them.
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great job
Way good! It has great flow and rythem and I love how you present the mom! great job -
really makes ya' think, don't it?
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Wow. I l-o-v-e this. It's really intense, that's why I love it. I don't know what else to say, this was just great!!
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