Who is it that I see,
This person who is looking back at me
She seems familiar, I saw her before
Standing there in her bedroom door
I look in her eyes, they shout of pain
It's like she has nothing to lose, and all to gain
Her soul speaks tales of heartbreaks and love
In her mind she wishes she could be free like a dove
The pain is too much, she just wants to break away
And never feel the pain, the pain she had to feel today
She says all of this in just the gleam in her eye
I tell her to hold on, try not to cry
It'll all get better in time you'll see
For now I realize, that you are me
Author notes
This is my first piece that I'm posting. I realize that it's not very good, but I'm hoping that experience will make me a better poet. I'm just getting my feet wet. Hopefully I'll be swimming soon ;^) (metaphorically speaking)
Written June 22nd, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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good job
I thought for your first post this was very good!
I was just looking over your work and clicked on this. The only suggestion I have, (which I offer to a lot of ppl and must include myself in this area
) is flow. For instance this line
And never feel the pain, the pain she had to feel today
would flow better if the ending was "the she had felt today" granted it only takes out one syllable but greatly improves the rhythm of the poem. But it's just a suggestion from an always improving poet as well! Good job!
PoeticThunder* -
Absolutely amazing! you have a God given talent-use it! this piece had a beautiful flow and was not forced in anyway. i can't wait to see what you come up with in the future. good job!
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And what a great start you are getting at, there was a contest not to long ago with this picture and you can to tell a stroy of who she was why was she there what is she thinking, that would have been a great contest for you to enter for you have anwsered all those questions....keep on writing, your good at it...lol
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I liked it I didn't think it was bad, as for a reflection, Seems to be the best way to start is looking into oneself and writting. I enjoyed the flow, but the imagery I enjoyed more. Anyway I'll leave you free from my ramblings
Later
Romeo -
first or no it is great-i liked it very much and i will try to return to see what the future will bring-im glad you chose to share....
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Aww, thanks baby! I'm glad you like it! I didn't spend a whole lot of time on this poem, it just kinda flowed out of my fingertips onto the screen. Hopefully that means that I do have a knack for it. I'm nothing compared to you, and I prolly never will be, but hopefully I can come closer!
Loving You Forever,
~Sarah~ -
great job, my love
It's a lovely and thought-provoking self portrait, and especially phenomenal for a first piece. Amazing work Sarah; but you never do cease to amaze me. Great piece. The form and flow are very good and the rhyme scheme is well done. You've worded it perfectly and each line seems to be laced with a sort of suspense. Very impressive work. Keep it up.
Love forever,
Andy
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