True freedom is not found in outward things,
In circumstantial pleasures that life brings;
They often come, but likewise find their leave,
Returning bitter souls from short reprieve
To shackles creeping slowly round their heart,
Where roots of death plunge deep in every part;
They grasp at ropes of happiness to find
They snap like thread, and all their dreams unwind.
They're left with memories of former days;
They struggle, beaten down in mental frays,
Where finally, souls longing for release
Admit that they have never known true peace-
So narrow is the path and straight the gate
Where lasting peace and freedom calmly wait.
~:~X~:~
Author notes
The original last couplet of this poem was:
And never will, until they choose to see
That Jesus Christ alone can set them free.
Because of a very good comment someone left me, I chose to change the ending. I believe, in a spiritual and Biblical sense, that the new ending is just as effective as the old one.
I was thinking quite a bit yesterday about what freedom really is...
We live in a free country, where we can say what we want, live how we want... and yet so many people aren't happy. They fill their time with things they think will make them happy, only to find that all the outward activities and events don't do it.
And, I think if many were honest, there isn't much inside that puts them at a complete and consistent peace, either- there's always something more they have to do, something more they have to think... that in itself is bondage.
But they really don't know what peace is, or where freedom is found...
And though they long to find it, they refuse the "one thing" that claims to be exactly that.
There's only one way to find out in Jesus is the real answer, folks. 
- and He said it best: "Come and see."
Written June 22nd, 2006
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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You've written a very heartfelt poem here, and it succeeds in presenting your message.
The iambic pentameter is appropriate for the tone and theme, and the liberal use of spondees ("TRUE FREEdom is NOT FOUND in OUTward THINGS," "where ROOTS of DEATH PLUNGE DEEP in EV[e]ry PART") slows the reader down to contemplate what you're saying.
There are some great images here: "They grasp at ropes of happiness to find / They snap like thread, and all their dreams unwind." I understand that, and most readers will.
However, note that in "They grasp" we're talking about the souls, in the next line "They" is the ropes of happiness, and "They're left" refers to the souls again. When four consecutive lines begin with the same word, and you're not purposely trying to "ring the bell" with the repetition, it's not a bad idea to go back into those lines and try to replace the pronouns with words that have a more precise, richer meaning.
You've used "fray" in the sense of a battle, but it seems like you could have gotten some nice juxtaposition from "frays" in the context of the ropes of happiness.
While this poem works as is, I would encourage you not to be satisfied with it in its present form, but rather, now that it has had some time to ripen on the vine, I'd suggest you go back in polish it up some, to infuse it with more meaning and to make it more compelling for the audience you're trying to reach. -
Outstanding
I thought this was spiritual in a positive way looking at the sadness that surrounds us as people leaving us very human and vulnerable. I liked the ending as you left the reader with a positive note. Life is all about making choices but making the right choices can be difficult. The rhyme was very fluid and you expressed your thoughts very well. Thank you for posting.
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I send you my gratitude for a very honest and humble critique!
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the new revision is much poetically stronger. the message is that the path to peace and freedom is difficult to pursue.. a message which is justified in the body of the sonnet which talks of the tribulations one will face.
Having ones faith tested is a requirement before one can find true freedom.
universally true regardless of what one believes.
Anyone who tells others that redemption and happiness is easy to achieve is lying.
Incidentally... thats what Satan promised Eve in Genesis.
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"I find it kind of strange and funny when a critic tries to interpret the moral of a piece that they didn't write. "
And thats exactly what the Church does with the Bible of all things.
Thou doth protest too much.
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Wow- what country do you come from/ live in?
I know about Christians being persecuted all over the world for their beliefs- but, I also know that that kind of thing doesn't stop them. Some are willing to die at the hands of others.
Of course, true Christians wouldn't hijack planes to die... that wasn't Jesus' way. -
I thank you for your... Hmm- can't think of the word I want! I guess for trying to be understanding?
I know not everyone shares my beliefs... but, for me, there was no other way to end that poem, because that's what I believe to be the truth.
But, again, I thank you for your kind comment.
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I can't possibly judge someone I don't know... and try my best not to judge people I DO know!
I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the comment! -
I find it kind of strange and funny when a critic tries to interpret the moral of a piece that they didn't write.
I haven't seen your name in a long time... How are you?
I'm sure you already understand that I'm a Christian, one of a very specific nature. The specifics would be that I believe in Jesus Christ as God's Son, according to the truths found in the Holy Bible (KJV). And, being a Christian, I have a completely different world view than a non-Christian (such as yourself, I assume?) would have.
I wrote this poem from a viewpoint that many people have already heard about Jesus Christ, and the many things He has said and done on this earth. Those who already believe in Him as Saviour of the world understand Him to be the only necessity for true peace and freedom in their life. Those who don't... well, that's their choice.
I understand there are going to be people that reject Jesus Christ. But, like Christ, I want them to understand what they're missing out on, which, in this poem, would be an escape from all the inner (as well as outer) things that bind their souls. Jesus promises to free people of those things... things as small as having a bad attitude about something pointless, and things as big as world catastrophes- Jesus can give you peace through ANY of that... At least, that is my belief and experience on it.
A poem I posted just previous to this piece explains a little better why I wrote this one.
For what it's worth, I appreciate your critique, and the compliments you've bestowed on it. I know I'm an amateur like everyone else, but it comes from my heart, like many others.
Thank you again for commenting.
Edited on Jun 24, 9:32 p.m. because 'Forgot a little phrase'. -
Good
You have a done a wonderful job with this poem. My mind was kind of leading me elsewhere until I read the last line. I agree that it could have said something else but its your poem and your meaning. I loved the whole thing finding it spiritual and such the whole way through...BUT for me it would of had a stronger impact if the end line didnt result in believing in Jesus Christ. That ones spirutual beliefs other than religious ones could have brought them peace. No matter my opinion though I still greatly enjoyed this piece! Great job!!! -
This is really great. The message is right on. It reminds me a bit of myself, always looking outward for happiness. It seems to me {after reading this} happiness can only be found inside, then true freedom {also called nirvana} be acheived. Great job on this, made me think.
~*Destiny*~ -
(\ /)
(0.o)
(>"<)
/_|_\
This is Mr. Bunny. Please paste him on your home page so he can complete his mission and dominate the world.
your friend,
ace♠ -
awesome/coolio
Terrific/ awesome job I really enjoyed reading this. Keep up the great work.
your friend,
Ace♠ -
What a beautiful sonnet. It flows so smoothly and perfectly, and you have a wonderful vocabulary. It also has really great imagery, and a lovely message. It speaks the truth, especially because anyone can relate to this just by changing the last line to whatever their own faith may be.
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Your line "They snap like thread, and all their dreams unwind." describes me before I experienced a relationship with the Lord as you point out in your last line.
I have to disagree with one of the prior comments-I think the last line summed up this write perfectly-you've made a distinguishing contrast to how life is without Him and then how it will change once you realize He is what you need. He is the only One who has been able to satisfy that longing in my soul.
A commendable write!~
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we do not live in a free country where we can say what we want! try saying something that others disagree with and you will find that out! even in this site we can not say what we want to. i think having all the author comments takes away the power from your poem - surely the poem should speak alone? the poem i like, it is a good one not overly religious, the last line sums up your feeligns/thoguhts, but before that line i certainly would not have guessed at the ending
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I am not a religious person (please don't judge me), but this really moved me - it was inspirational!!! Really lovely sonnet - perfect form, great, consistent rhyming and flow throughout!!
Sarah Louise Hudson
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Wow nice job... can't say I really understand what a sonnet is though..lol But you did really well with it.. Not sure I agree with the content and by the way don't be talking about shackles like they're bad they're terribly fun/kinky(!). But you did really good the word use was all pretty good too. Nice job!.. spectacular..
<2+1&poison~kisses~so~delicious
-Allure of a Rose- -
Wow. This is wonderful. I'm speechless! It's an amazing sonnet. I've never been abole to write sonnets. Congratulations, and keep writing!
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I think George Orwell said it best. "If liberty means anything at all, it is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear"
Good work, your message was clear. -
Everything was great in this poem until the last line where suddenly the craftsmanship dropped several notches. In line 14 the speaker is merely telling and not showing.
The poem could have easily said:
"And never will, until they choose to see
That Hamburgers alone can set them free."
if that sounds out of left field, it is because it is. And so is the sudden name dropping. How does Jesus Christ set you free? I would expect a SONNET which ends on that to have built up to it in a logical manner. What in the poem convinces the reader to accept the couplet as being true?
if you used a word like 'sacrifice' rather than Jesus Christ the poem would stand up better, since the body of the poem talks about hanging on to outwards things as being the reason someone isn't free. The only way to be free is to LET GO. That is the moral of the poem. The final line contradicts that moral.
The poem doesn't make the case for Jesus (any more than hambugers). I'm sorry that such an otherwise beautiful poem, suddenly on the last lines comes across as if the speaker is trying to vainly make a spectacle of their faith, rather than truly illuminate a philosophical idea. It almost feels like the speaker misunderstood their own argument. -
I agree with your message and think your writing is very fearless. It is a message needed at this time in many people's lives. Well done.
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WOW.....WOWOWOWOWOW. That was amazing! I've tried to write sonnet and I just about shot myself in the process... you have made it look like breathing! This is BEAUTIFUL! I am going to save this and share it with my friends. Congradulations on being a poet, they are few and far between!
Reconciled Rose
-My Redeemer Lives- -
Beautifully written
This was an amazing poem and I had to read it a couple times because I liked it so much. I really liked the rhyme scheme that you have set up and also the meaning that the poem holds. Keep writing! -
:)
Wow amazing! Wow! I really liked it plaese keep writing this really held my intrest. -
how very true! good for you for speaking out! this is really good, and is straight to the point! thanks for sharing!
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Great
Very nice write and well put!!!!! Keep up the good work!!! enjoy'd -
everyone has so much to say about this and i agree but for a comment by my self that hasn't been taken already by others....this is simply wonderful...
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FIVE STARS
wow, wonderful sonnet, good message, and great form, I loved it a hundered percent. And it's so very true, All of us at times feel shackeled, some worse than otheres, and like your sonnet says, Jesus Christ is the only true way to be free of that. It doesn't get any simplier than that. great job with this, I absolutely loved it and God will bless you for writing this tribute to him, once again I applaud your sonnet, and I give it five stars.
GOD BLESS,
~Shirley -
Very nice and you are so right. We let Christ in, he will set us free. It is a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
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Hi, good sentiments, different to see all rhyming couplets like this and not the standard ones, I enjoyed reading this poem, all the best, hugs Di
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I enjoyed this piece very much. It has wonderful flow and form and the messages conveyed are real and powerful. Excellent piece from start to finish. keep your pen forever flowing! Bunny
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wow. this poem rocked. i read it twice. your form was nice, as well. the title is perfect, and i love the line you ended with. oh and the background is really, really cool, lol. keep up the awesome work.
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I think I might change that third line, to make it sound a little better.
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I've often thought about this. I have come to realize my only freedom involves my relationship with the Lord. Apart from Him, I'm free to do nothing.
Had to read this a couple of times to find the rhythm. Thereafter, I had little problem. Although, in the fifth line I would have written round as 'round, since the word is a poetic form of around.
Like you said before, 'poetic license'.
Edited on Jun 22, 1:23 p.m. because 'I'm soooo confused!
'.
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Well, it has fourteen lines (like a sonnet), and yes, the couplets rhyme. I wasn't sure if there was an exact title to this type of sonnet- that's why I called it "generic".
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I'm glad I found your poetry!
The content of your sonnet is strong and speaks well as witness. Your final line completes the picture and gives the perfect (and only) answer. It is true, there is not other road to freedom, nor to peace. My only question is concerning the title of 'generic sonnet'; is that a set form with rhyming couplets?
Enjoyed your poem.
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