1.)Before you off yourself, give your clothes to charity. This will help your loved ones with throwing away all your crap, and it'll be your last good deed. Now, if you had a crappy sense of fashion, just burn it all and save some landfill space.
2.)When you write your little note, keep it short and simple. (Eg. "Love you, hate me, see ya later(ya, you know you're going to hell too!)") Don't cry and smudge the paper either, it makes you look like an even bigger wuss. Close your eyes if you have to.
3.)When deciding how to die, you have a variety of options. Choose carefully, different methods leave different impressions. You could blast your brains out with a gun, but this makes you seem angry. Flattening yourself like a pancake by jumping off some type of structure makes you seem attention-seeking, since it's a very public act (bit of a drastic publicity stunt!). Cutting you wrists just makes you look emo. Hanging/suffocating yourself makes you seem just insane(which you probably are), and overdosing makes you seem like a dependent junkie. So pick whichever impression that's closest to what you really are, you don't want to confuse anybody.
4.)Don't call some hot line at 4 in the morning blubbering like an idiot with snot running down your face, if you're gonna do it, do it!
5.)Go to the local All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet and stuff your fat ass. Go ahead, eat another cookie, fatty! Next, go buy a six pack (or get someone else to buy it for you), and guzzle it, don't worry about puking, you won't have to clean it!
6.)Make sure you're alone, you don't want anyone wandering around. They don't really want to save you, it's just rude to say "How you're off-ing yourself? Well, good luck loser!".
7.)Don't leave any annoying secret fortunes behind, those make the most annoying movies AND headlines. "Breaking News! Millionaire Kicks His Own Bucket and Great-Great-Great Grand kid Finds Fortune!"
8.)Don't get lost on the highway to hell.
Author notes
Now, of course this isn't serious, and no one should take it as such. It's just a fun write, and if you are suicidal, get help.
For The Contest
I picked option four, writing this helped me get over depression. You're most likly going to be offended by this piece, or you'll find it atleast somewhat amusing. If you get offended, I'm sorry. But if you like it, fantastic.
Written June 20th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Another Way To Spend Worthless Points by peluche.
1000 points, ended July 15, 2006, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For omfgwtfaigtdn group ONLY by Withered Lover.
425 points, ended February 4, 2007, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I liked this piece. Lol. The title really made me laugh. I'm not sure why. This is really strong though. It flows really really well. I don't know if that makes sense to you but you get it.
Love always,
Kristen ♥ -
This is somewhat said, but it is also freaking HILARIOUS! Ha, lovely Susan.
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Since I am not suicidal; I guess I am not offended. I wan to thank you for taking the time to enter this piece. I really appreciate the effort you put into it. I can see how to some it might seem funny. It is not really my type of humor. Remember though, I am NOT offended at all.
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Good bye, Cruel World! ... hahhahhhahsnorthahhahah...What if nobody misses you? ...I hate that when that happens! ...Loveit!... Bon Ton Ron
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Oh my!!!!
This was funny! 
I really enjoyed each and every tip that you listed. But my favorites are one, three, and six. Great write! I loved it!
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this was really funny. my old girl friend would always say she was suicidal and stuff, even though it was just for attention. Very creative write.
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a nice humurous satircal glimpse into the world of suicide.
to the commentor xHeyxUngracefulx, please note the words in the author's comments box: Now, of course this isn't serious, and no one should take it as such. It's just a fun write, and if you are suicidal, get help.
but if you also think that jon stewart is heartless to george bush's administration, then i do understand why you wrote that but otherwise: learn to read (sry, that was rude).
Edited on Jun 30, 6:42 p.m. because ''. -
Lol Well I use to be suicidal and I think this is brillantly funny! Haha You did a great job. This was very unique and you are very creative!
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Quite a piece, Restful! I can't decide whether to laugh, but somehow I do think it is funny. On the serious side, I actually think you have put out some good advice (including your Author's Note to get some help if seriously considering suicide). I have know two people who committed suicide, and both times I was angry at them for having the temerity to let themselves off the proverbial hook in that way. So, your line about wuss just fit in perfectly with my opinion. Since I clicked in from the Feature Box, I'm writing this comment before I see the contest or your Author's Page. On a cold read, I do think this is quite interesting and powerfully written, although I don't think of it as a poem per se. To me, it's more like a mini-rant, and it is certainly original! Thanks for sharing this one. Best regards, Toni
PS I went to the contest page and saw you won the Silver for this... well done and well deserved!
Edited on Jun 30, 6:45 p.m. because ''. -
hahahahahaha number 2, number 3 and number 7 is the best out of this lot, very amusing.. im sure anyone suicidal that stumbles upon this will be capabe enogh to know its a joke though my friend.. you have a great sense of humour in my eyes although this may not be to some peoples taste..
=) ~toni~
Great write!! Excellant!! -
way to support people in need.
heartless. -
This is HILARIOUS. If someone suicidal read this, they would probably be laughing so hard at themselves that they couldn't hold the gun steady, climb up on the chair, or write the note. Hopefully, it would put things in perspective for them. You are so funny!
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lol!!
lol love this piece!! I was suicidal for a while, I'm in therapy. I loved # 3 too, I attempted almost all of those except for the building one. So what does that make me? An angry, emo, insane dependent junkie. Better get that written on a plaque before I off myself. Lol the poem was great, thanks for making me laugh!!
~Alex~
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Thumbs Up
This is a very funny write. You do have a warped sense of humor. Of course I mean that in a good way, warped can be good, can't it???? -
lol this is funny, no i didn't take it seriously. I especially liked the "eat another cookie fatty" part and the one about how to pick a suicide method. very cute and amusing.
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Well it wasn't a poem but since it made me laugh i give you an A+
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alot of good tips in this one,makes me wonder if you have considered it before (hmmmm)just kidding (sort of)
anywho
this was a very good peice of work and i wish you the best of luck in the contest
great job
peace -
ha-this was interesting to read. hopefully no one who is actually suicidal stumbles upon this because they might take it as actual instructions. i especially like #3, that was very insightful, saying how y ou decide to kill yourself reflects your personality. definately a one of a kind peice. good luck in the contest!
[Elizabeth♥]
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