Walking the woods of
childhood homes I see
leaves of amber and yellow
custard fall in a dance of ease.
The breeze through the branches
holds tightly the idea of winter
caressing the bones of a frigid earth.
I inhale the familiar scent of pine
sap as it oozes down the trunks
of distant clusters. Ahead I see a
fawn with her mother, gingerly teasing
the dappled brook and relishing life.
At my approach they look and fear
but do not turn away from my steady stride.
Nature sings all around me and bird
songs erupt from the heavens
lighting my path through my Mother's
gentle tresses. I am at peace,
here among the foundation of existence
welcomed home by Mother Nature.
Lying in the fall of leaves
turning to face the twilight sky
I embrace the feel of my earthen spirit
and know that my body is whole.
Author notes
It's about my spiritual identity with nature.
Written June 20th, 2006
A contest entry
- Testimonies by Alexandra Saint.
437 points, ended July 13, 2006, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I very much enjoyed this. It has been an too long for since I've walked and communed with nature. The feeling of wonder and awe when you are truly immersed... I miss it all. Thank you for writing about this and reminding me of what I'm missing. This was an amazing poem that held captivating imagery. A short story as it were. Keep you pen flowing!
Broken Raven
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Wow! This was a lovely write and enjoyed it very much keep it up! Stacey:
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Hey!
This is a lovely poem. Beautiful description and amazing imagery. I like it a lot. Good luck with the rest of your poems,
~Ruby~
A.K.A MaryAnn
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Magical
This was awesome with the silky flow of a gentle spring and the imagery was a kaleidoscope of magic to behold. Your words took me there in a place of peace where I have been many times on my parent's farm. -
A
I agree with Pollycheck; breaking this into stanzas would help a lot with the digestion of the piece. I felt like I had to continue, and I don't fell like I had enough to to really appreciate the poem and the meaning.
Anyways, I really love the wholeness that unfolds in this poem. The whole nature theme really wraps around the reader, and you feel connected.
Other than the stanza breakup, I really like this poem. It's very whole, and basks you in nature's voice.
Kudos, and good luck in the contest!
Bekca. -
I think that this is a well written and well thought out poem that is full of vivid imagery. The only suggestion I would make is that you might want to break it up into stanzas. It would give the reader a chance to pause and digest what he has just read, rather than feeling like he had to rush through the reading to get to the end of it.
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I really liked this poem. I enjoyed your use of vivid imagery. well done.
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This is a deep and detailed poem. I really enjoyed it. You seem connected with your spirituality. You know who you are religiously.
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Kewel Jewel Here
Personally I think it's a beautiful write to the feelings of comfort of solitude immersed and recentering...
The lines:
I am at peace, here among the foundation of existence
welcomed home by Mother Nature.
Lying in the fall of leaves turning to face the twilight sky
I embrace the feel of my earthen spirit and know that my body is whole.
...were solid to me becasue the FEELIng is left to the comfort YOU feel. Wholeness at the foundation of our existence speaks volumes to me... The sensation of lying on the ground studying the heavens pondering undefinable questions about how WHOLE we are works for me..
Ive lived in Tampa, Denver and Detroit where the light pollution you can't even SEE a twilight sky...
Here in the outback of Okrahoma there are thing I have never experienced all my life.
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I liked this more than some of the other stuff I've read from you, but there's still always room for improvement. I agree with other commentors on the seemingly arbitrary line-breaks. Ending lines on words like "of" or "a" really don't aid in giving the poem any extra punch.
"I inhale the familiar scent of pine" -- this line forces narrative into the poem, which I don't really agree with. Just talk about the scent, don't introduce the fact that you have to inhale it (it's common sense and is redundant to explain to the reader).
The word 'amber' along with the leaves irks me; it's simply too common and overused. With something as visited as nature, each word has to bring out a certain degree of originality to make the piece appealing. Maybe don't even focus on the leaves...try to think of the aspects that many individuals may pass up as disgusting or unworthy of praise. A spill of mushrooms on the ground of a dark shadow of green moss along the spine of a tree may work as better focal points than something so prevalent in poetry (leaves and such).
I think that you should remove I from this poem entirely; you could say what you want to without wasting a few filler words to ensure the reader that you are indeed writing and experiencing this connection with nature. The only time I'd like to see you in this poem is in the very last line, since it's obvious that the reader should feel you through your words throughout the bulk of this piece.
"Nature sings all around me and bird
songs erupt from the heavens
lighting my path through my Mother's
gentle tresses."
These lines are the worst of the poem, for me. You bring out far too many cliches here (I know that I've read 'erupt from heaven' in countless poems on this site). Also, the nature singing bit is a bit too overdone for me. I'd focus on one certain aspect of nature that is really singing to you...and don't make it birds. Focus on the sounds that embody the forest yet aren't often acknowledged by humans as widely as birds are. Cut the mother earth bit here...I like the idea of connection to nature, but the material connection is overdone and extremely cliche.
"I am at peace" Doesn't the rest of the poem illustrate this? Why continuously point out the obvious to the reader? It's also never a good idea to simply state an emotion on the page...use context and tone to build up how you feel without simply saying that you're sad, angry, or, in this case, at peace.
"Lying in the fall of leaves" Fall is a very poor verb choice here...explore the concept of tone with each word choice that you make. Such a simple little word can say much more than some pretty junk strewn across the ground.
"Twilight sky" is a cop-out image. Show me what the sky looks like, and if it's not important enough to develop into a good image, it's not worth keeping in the poem. In a poem that needs images to breathe, something as simple as calling the sky in twilight just does't cut it.
"I embrace the feel of my earthen spirit
and know that my body is whole."
This is too straight forward. Instead of using the abstract of spirit here, why not develop the image of reaching into the dirt and feeling some type of connectivity? An ending like this that asserts a direct connection with the human being with nature is best illustrated through subtley, and the current arrangement hits us with the concept much too harshly.
There are far less abstractions here than in your other pieces, so that's definitely a good start. Another idea to consider, though, is a common theme to run through your gauntlet of images. Whenever you discover and implicate said theme, the tone of the poem will be strong enough to show a connection with nature without your ever having to mention it at all.
Keep on writing and all that jazz,
james. -
This poem leaves the reader with a sensation of tranquility, very well done, very effective write! I liked the pace of the poem, it was slow and calm and fit really well with the gentle flow of the words and the calming, wholesome and ideal picture they painted.
If I may point it out though, I think I must comment on the break of some of the lines. It was a bit akward in some places and called for pauses that could disrupt the otherwise flawless flow of the poem. Perhaps one example would be
'Nature sings all around me and bird
songs erupt from the heavens'
Maybe changing this to
'Nature sings all around me
Bird songs erupt from the heavens'
I think it would sound more pleasing. Otherwise, as I have already said, this is a beautiful write. Well done! -
I think it's a beautiful piece with excellent description and wording. The only thing I can really critique is the line breaks. They seemed a little awkward mostly and rather than making the poem flow more or dividing it for the sound it seemed to chop it up.... just my thoughts. Very well written though. I could see the nature.
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This is incredible. Nice work with all the imagery. It makes the poem feel more real and easier to relate to, which is excellent. All in all, nice work!
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this is incredible!!!!!!! i could see it all happening as i read it! loved it and the flow of it!!!!!!!!!
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Great !
Wow, I really enjoyed this! The Backround helps to bring out alot of the imagery of this write. Twas' well written. I must applaud such a piece of work! Thanks so much for sharing! Be sure to check out some of my work when you have the time! Keep penning away!
Safely hidden in the darkness,
~ The Rocker who lost all aka Sacred Shadows -
wonderful
very well done i have just come out of hospital and this pen is just what the doctor ordered -
Lovely piece, the flow and form are wonderful as is the rhythm. The pictures painted are captivating. Great work. Keep your pen forever flowing! Bunny
Edited on Jun 21, 7:33 p.m. because ''. -
This is very beautiful. I can picture it all!
Excellent choice of words.
Keep on writing,and good luck in the contest
Nooni
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