Our friends came after lunch:
families with children
young men and ladies
friends from Israel
and Rabbi.
Rabbi brought his daughter. She brought her guitar.
The ladies gathered in the house:
fixing the food, brewing the tea,
choosing flowers for their hair.
The men gathered in the field:
marking a flat place, looking at plans,
building the Sukka with nails and boards.
We rode in the truck
down the hill
to the edge of the woods.
My brother and I picked up branches as grown-ups cut them down.
Families with children
Young men and ladies
Friends from Israel
And Rabbi
And I
Hung the branches in the Sukka.
The ladies came wearing flowers in their hair.
They brought:
lights and fruit to hang in the Sukka,
sweet tea and bagels and cream cheese.
Inside the Sukka we ate and drank.
Then Rabbi stood, holding four things:
myrtle
willow
palm
citron
He waved them up, down, right and left, making a cross for Yeshua’s sake.
He placed them in my hands. Up, down, right and left I waved, then passed them away.
Rabbi’s daughter picked up her guitar and played.
I saw:
Mama dancing with the ladies,
Papa building a fire,
Our friends singing.
I ran with my brother in the field.
Rabbi said when Yeshua comes again, He will join us for:
the Feast of Tabernacles
the Feast of Booths
Sukkot.
Do you think He will want some sweet tea?
In the Sukka, my brother and I looked up through the branches.
We remembered Yeshua Messiah.
We know He is coming soon.
Author notes
I took my original draft and tried to modify it. What do you think? It would be very helpful if you could compare this draft to the first (Children's Book Draft: Sukkot) and give some concrete criticism. :-D Thanks so much!
Written June 20th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Thank you for your perspective! I hadn't imagined the narrator as a young girl, but thank you! You've helped me define the character whose voice is heard--in the back of my mind I'd been considering the narrator a kindergarten-aged boy. So thank you--it makes so much more sense for me now! :-D
-
Thank you so much for your input! The words Lulav and Esrog are definitely rolling around in my mind concerning this piece. You hit on the question of accessibility--would it alienate a reader with such unrecognizeable words or further their experience as learners? Thank you, once again, for your comment!
-
Thanks so much for the comment. My heart for this piece is to fill the gap in children's religious literature concerning Messianic Judaism. I hope to get my hands on some watercolor paper soon and work on illustrations, which would provide pictoral definition of the celebration of Sukkot and its associated appurtenances.
-
I don't really understand this poem. I guess it might be because I don't know what a Sukkot is. Other than that it was a very good poem all in all. Good job!
-
Beautiful
Oh wow I was there! I even smelled the wonderful perfumes in the air. And I saw her, her dark hair her dark eyes, and the flower in her hair. She is beautiful. The way she lives is beautiful.Invite me next time please?
-
BEAUTIFUL
I am not much on the criticizing but I tend to look at the heart behind the words. This is a beautiful story.
-
This was beautifully written...I don't mind the "list" quality at all...but, yea, the colons do look a bit unpoetic...as far as using words like "SUKKOT",I think you should have used even more like "esrog" and "Lulav" for palm and citron...if people don't know what something is let them find out...nothing wrong with learning something new or with teaching in a poem...after all, you DID say it's a childrens book...It's a fine piece of wordcraft,indeed
-
loved it
This is an excellent early draft. The wording and content is excellent, although the format could be changed. The colons and lists are an interesting visual, but i think that it is unnecessary while you have the rest of your poem of such high quality. Also, I doubt that many people would know certain words in the poem - including "Sukkot." Atleast for the allpoetry community, i think it would be in the reader's interest if you gave definitions for a few of the lesser known words in your poem.
Edited on Jun 20, 9:09 p.m. because 'typographical error'. -
This I thought was a very well written poem
I could feel the good lord close by while I read it
This was a great write you have real talent. -
In two parts of the write, I strongly suggest that you drop the colon b/c in a way, they don't really look right being there seeing how the lines flow as one whole...
You have:
The ladies gathered in the house:
fixing the food, brewing the tea,
choosing flowers for their hair.
The men gathered in the field:
marking a flat place, looking at plans,
building the Sukka with nails and boards.
By simply dropping the colons, this wouldn't look 'broken up'
Rae
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
3 old applause
