snaps or fast-ens
or buttons on shirts
that clear UP what
must be said
in silence
//a clear view of
clearance persons
in drab grayviolet
violence. it not
onlykills but pays
by-the-way
in a fashion of
more zipperedwrong
clashed ecstasy
to be kept
quite clearly
marked in a differ.ent
mashed fantasy
say so
collection collect me.
droughtwither; core
color in a blast
house the very sad
dropped junk if
(it suits you)
some feeluptoit
baby powder
tins to catch the
forgotten falling
swift soft
humdum along greatly
& yes this, is, fine
nicely put
says the large
building to
the cat on
the
floor
Author notes
Wish I could really tell you,
but it just doesn't come out that way.
I just hope it is not seen as sad/angry/anything like that, because it is not.
Written June 15th, 2006
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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The flow of this is quite amazing, and I like how it's set up. It seems very random in the way that you know it means something extraordinary, life changing. It's a poem you (me!) like to recite in your head because you like the way it flows together...
I like it, can you tell?
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Wow, thank you.
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Cummings = wow + I wish I could do him justice
"Risky" only if you don't mean it.
This entire way of writing is more fun for me than "following the rules" and staying in the "unadventurous" route. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want, make it look the way you want--it feels better. It satisfies me more. Even if writers do not enjoy the style as a finished product, I think they should at least try it just for some flow. It gives you a completely new perspective. New ideas, too, or that's how it happens for me. Staying in the same little box all the time doesn't help anyone grow as a writer.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for the great critique. -
mysterious
this sort of poem is quite unusual here. Most poems found here are straightforward and unadventurous.. But I guess things in this vein are a bit 'risky'. Most writers just like to emulate and follow rules and conventions, but this seems definitely unique. It has a sort of vastness and complexity to the imagery.. and a sort of inhabited space you've briefly created. It doesn't really seem to follow a linear plot or allow itself to be constrained to any particular perspective. This reminds me a bit of E.E. Cummings.. Some might say that because of this it suffers from the same inherent 'downsides' (if any) to his work, which are unavoidable with the general 'style'. But this *Is* unique, and I don't want to pigeonhole it as the same thing.. It just reminds me a bit of his seemingly spontaneous, deliberately-disordered, fractured visual presentation. The words chosen and imagery though are what largely set it apart from him and other writers here.
I like how you jump from one idea/image to the next without flagrant connection. However in this sort of writing there ARE connections that are nearly invisible; something just feels correct. There's definitely a difference between spontaneous jumps in narrative flow and two unrelated lines or stanzas forced together on a whim. I guess the difference isn't always easy to pinpoint, and to many it might seem jumbled until they let everything 'soak in'. Also, the initially slightly-jagged rhythm to this isn't obvious and becomes much smoother, and more welcomed after reading a few times. I guess I'll just shut up now before I ramble myself blue in the face.
Edited on Jun 16, 4:03 p.m. because ''. -
i love your word play...repetitions of sounds only slightly altered and everything, like "grayviolet violence" and "collection collect"...it molds the poem together. i like this too much to properly put it into words.
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