water steaming hot gleaming off pure white
fake marble from the tub
water drips slowly plinking quietly on soft ripples
clothes folded so neatly nearby
innocent instrument you choose
it's razor edges silver death
to release you from your pain
sinking into the water your breath comes faster
shallow now as your earthly struggle starts
your heart so eager for life, strains inside your breast
what drove you to such an end, my baby?
so much pain in your young soul
couldn't you feel my love for you?
didn't you see my anguish as I tried to help you?
you left your body for me to find
coming home from work the house was silent
smelling your sweet shampoo on a breeze
a blood red bathtub greeted me instead
of your customary quips about your day
screams bubbled in my throat
as I rushed to your side - too late
the life within was already gone
I struggle now each day to endure this pain
that you have dealt me in such measure
there is no word for a parent who has survived her child
Author notes
Written June 14th, 2006
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Wow. That was really cool, what you did there ^-^ "mirrors reflect a sensless wrath" was my favorite part. Thanks again, and I'll return the favor....although I probably won't rewrite anything...since I'm not that creatice, lol. Thanks again.
Crystal -
Lacie sent me
Instead of a "critique" I thought I would give you something a bit different. Your poem written with rhyme! I've used some of your words and the idea of the piece to create a whole new poem. I hope you like it.
Dan.
Water steams, boils and cripples,
Melts the marble of the bath.
As it drips and plinks soft ripples,
Mirrors reflect a senseless wrath.
A tool is took and choice is blind,
Silver shards are shallow senses.
Released your soul loses mind,
Water rises, destroys defences.
Struggle softly, sinking slowly,
Life leaves the corpse alive.
The end of a child, so young and holy,
Lost, trying to survive.
As I return, I seek answers.
My image anguished by a question.
I tried in vain to cure your cancers.
Only to be beaten by depression.
Water steamed and welcomed greeters,
Crimson tainted, the steam was hate-less.
Quips of days, ignored in meters,
Rush through my being as you lay there stateless.
The moment I survived my child.
The moment I lost my hope.
The moment that the devil smiled.
The moment I tie my rope.
Edited on Jun 16, 2:54 because 'Typo's will be the deaf of me...'. -
Hey, thanks for the comment. I'd love it if you give me some input, after I wrote this, I was thinking that there was some flow problems, and such, but I can't pinpoint anything specific. Thanks!
Crystal
ps-I will get over to you and return a comment soon ^-^ -
Thanks for your comment, I don't have time right this second, but I will get over and read some of your stuff and comment ^-^ Thanks again!
Crystal -
interesting
I'd only edit a few minor kinks. if you want, let me know and I'll come back for that -
Well Said,so sad,so real.
Keep writing,
Deena
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I'm not sure where this came from. I was on Myspace, making my profile and blogging...and then I just switched over here and wrote it. It came out of nowhere. Thanks for liking it though ^-^ Oh, I found a pic of you and me when I was really little, I think I was only one or two, it's pretty cute.
Crystal -
Where in the world did this come from? I am amazed, this is really well written, and I think it hits the feeling right on the nail. Athena
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