.
You sing to me, softly,
Rock your woman in your arms like a child;
Is this irony?
Whatever it is, it only makes me feel less adequate.
I'll never be able to give you what you want.
As you weave your gentle fingers through my hair
I cry a little more,
Because I know how much you’re hurting
But you'll never let it show.
I know you won’t talk for fear that you may weep.
I envy your strength.
As night descends un-noticed,
We hold each other, wordless.
Locked together in mourning
For a thing conceived of dreams and lost,
Wandering through the paths that link our spirits.
And no matter when or where or how,
Whatever we encounter,
You'll always be left wanting.
I cannot give you
The one thing you crave.
The most precious gift of life
Will never be our own.
Yet still I can see the round and rosy face,
The shining eyes - half yours half mine -
Skipping, falling, playing through my dreams.
And when you sleep, I know you see him too.
When you wake with shallow breath,
With eyes that have seen the truth,
And the fact that it can never be;
And still I stay with you
And you with me.
.
Author notes
Written June 11th, 2006
Revised March 25th, 2008
In a list
A contest entry
- Free verse only (Raw Emotion) by sanity.
300 points, ended June 17, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pain In Poetry by Jadis Blade.
450 points, ended April 11, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This is a sad and somewhat powerful poem. I wish I was there with you so we could go over the poem line by line. I do so much better as a one on one in person instructor; that is why I woild never teach on line. The poem is good; however, so many words need to be changed. I am sure someone here will be able to assist way bette rthan I.
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revision
Thanks for taking the time to comment, I am really bad for just posting writes and not smartening them up - I just tap it out straight into the box and send it out into the world. Looking back on this piece I can see it in a new light, and I'm going to put some work into it - I think this peice is worth it.
Thanks
Polly
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Thanks so much for the kind and honest feedback, now as I re-read this I can see so much room for improvement and I am constantly working on and editing my poetry. Really helpful, and I enjoyed the contest a lot!
*~Huntress~* -
This is very good, not powerful as it could be with the right editing, but it is sad... I have a thing about being constructive where emotions are concerned because some people get very upset at the critical reviews when given.. But I have just noticed you want me to be critical, I will try and be gentle...
There is emotion in this but it could be more powerful
where to start;
You sing to me, softly
as you rock me in your arms like a child
This makes me feel inadequate
because I can never give you what you want
Ok, that's a start, it just flows a little better taking out redundant or filler words and changing phrases around
I would like to thank you for taking the time post this and thank you for sharing..........
Hugs Linda -
This is so beautiful, but so sad hunni!
So eloquently penned though, i really liked it. I feel like i can relate to it in some ways, but not in others, just certain stanzas. I hope you are ok though. Keep writing and good luck in the contest 
x
faeriedust-
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