Medic one sixty eight please don't be late
I need you more than you will ever know
At bridgetown and four thirteen a broken teen
Lying in the ditch where flowers grow
A truck's overturned and the driver's burned
And the boiling hot fluids still flow
Small and frail, sweaty and pale.
Slipping into shock
The piercing screams haunt my dreams
Everytime I pass this block
When the sirens wail and men of clay fail
whether it's medics the cops or the doc
I did all I could but some go bad and some go good
This one just wouldn't go my way
That nasty scene at bridgetown and four thirteen
On a hot July day
When I cut your clothes from head to toes
And a life was stolen away
I saw the vultures fight over cans of coke and sprite
That laid all around
As you were dying they never stopped trying
To pick up soda from the ground
Even while you screamed and bled they never fled
They just continued to surround
When the surgeons cut you open I stopped hoping
For I saw the damage done
In trauma bay two they called code blue
It had all just begun
Drugs and shocks, sweaty medics and hopless docs
Called it at fourteen twenty one
I wore your life home and watched the peroxide foam
I rinsed my shirt in tears
I bathed in bleach to exceed the reach
Of the smells the sights and fears
Oh the nights I've wept instead of slept
Over the last two years
Tears running down my nose I laid a single rose
On the ground where I picked up Christine
Where a tiny girl laid in an oak trees' shade
When she was all of nineteen
I made my amends where it begins and ends
At bridgetown and four thirteen
Author notes
Written June 10th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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sad
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directed this way by a friend who said... read it, you’ll be sorry for the read, you’ll be impressed for the read, you’ll be distressed for the read, you’ll remember this read. well, my friend, I read it and it was all she said – sorry, and impressed, and distressed. the memories are all yours and I do not envy you, I remember some sights I wish to forget, you are a hero for carrying this load with you and remembering and doing it again. your tale is sharp, your wording talented, the unmetered rhyme just perfect, it lasts with the reader, with me.
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Laying aside the personal emotion that has gone into this, there was something primitive about the rhythm and rhyme which gave it a modern feel like rap music. Not one of my favourite poems today, perhaps, but one with a good feel to it.
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oooh...chills down the spine. This was really really good. you told the story very, very well...I don't know how too explain what it was that I saw...but you did fantastic. the rhymes scheme, and the flow were interesting and good. you did a really good job. Great job. ~Kiwi
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I have never been so moved - this is truly something to be proud of - you write fantastically. the emotion in this is so strong and well portrayed - it reminds me of a christmas i spent when my dad came off the night shift, he was a phyciatric nurse at the time, they had been transporting a patient that night who took his own life in the bus, my dad came home covered in blood that morning - thankfull I was too young to realise the extent of it - but i will never forget it. anyway you have done an incredible write with this.
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EXCELLENT
Please consider a new color for your page stridor. It makes reading very unsettling.
RE: poem
I love this style. It lends itself to an easy flow and gentle rhyme, enhancing the story telling.
You have written IMHO a very good poem here.
If I was to be picky, or if you are considering tightening... then IMHO...
either repeat the stanza style (not necessarily the same words) "You bled" again somewhere to epmphasize its place as a refrain or eliminate it altogether. Alone, it reads as a lapse in the structured form around it, (but that may be your intent.)
also... consider tightening the flow by eliminating most of these...and the us she it they, he,we etc Some are crucial, most distract.
just an opinion..
df
Edited on Jun 11, 6:50 because 'wording'. -
This was difficult to read so I suggest a different colour scheme might be of some benefit to you. I couldn't finish it because of the reading problem.
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wow! i wasnt expectin that when i clicked. thats gotta be the best poem ive read in a long time! the flow and rhyme was great and the imagery. the poem is deep and meaningful and sad and conveys a lot of emotion. just incredible all round. good luck in the contest
keep it up that poem rocks like socks dude
emogirl -
This poem was a fantastic read, actually. I really liked it. I wasn't a big fan of some of the rhymes, but it was all good in the end. Nice conveyance and word choice. Good luck in the contest and keep penning..
--Chance-- -
stunned silence truely, words fail to express the impact and artistry of this piece. the heart wrenching piture it paints comes through with a clarity that makes you almost wish it was not so clear because of the emotions it forces up int he reader. If a person suffered from a total lack of empathy i would prescribe this poem as the cure. So much feeling tied to that one critical event that happened to someone else, and was felt for so long by another. It is moving in a way i simply can not adequately describe. The technical skill that you show in the flow and execution is no less impressive, adding to the poems ability to draw the reader in by making the words melt together into a seamless steady stream of imagery that hits home like an emotional mack truck.
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very touching!
A touching masterpiece that express heartbreak , saddness and a tragedy. A wonderful well penned piece of poetry!
What was the driving inspiration behind your little masterpiece?
-Keep the ink flowing!
-Dave -
Wow. It's long. And very interesting. Very good wordflow. My favorite part: I wore your life home and watched the peroxide foam
And rinsed my shirt in tears
I bathed in bleach to exceed the reach
Of the smells the sights and fears
Oh the nights I've wept instead of slept
Over the last two years
Keep writing! -
Truly Talented
This just took my breath away, they wordflow and rhyme are all very good. It's the imagery that makes my mind reel. I've seen sudded death, up close and personal, when everyone is trying so hard and there is nothing that can be done to make it right. I wouldn't call it a failure, at least there are people far braver and tougher than I, who have the knowledge and skill to try. It sounds like you are one of those. Love, light and hugs...Deb
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THIS is what I'm talking about. I FELT this. This poem was nothing short of magnificent. I was covered in chills. The flow, they words, the messages, the feelings...you are very very talented. I loved it. Good luck.
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Wow, when I clicked on this poem certainly did not expect all of that. It was really moving. I've been hard pressed to find a poem that really made me feel like this one did. Almost like butterflies in my stomach. It was very intense, i'm only 20 and it made me think about how i'd feel if I lost someone young, close to me.
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Wow. That is quite a spectacular poem in my opinion and really touched me. I have hopes of becoming a doctor so part of elt as if it could identify with this. The imagery is so vivid yet something I would never wish upon anyone.
Good luck with the contest. -
heartbreak on screen
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Oh wow, this is so good and so very very tragic and sad. Good luck in the contest.
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