She sang to the ships from the golden, esoteric rocks
Moon shimmering and pearling from her perceived, silver locks
A song that had an unholy, harmony backing and practically no beat
Neptune's daughter was going to give the sailors, a nasty little treat
Ship,smashed to plywood, crushed on the hidden rocks, invisible and unseen
The drowning sailors bodies, reflected white in the mysterious, moonlight sheen
The top of the sailing mast was separated and was swinging and did sway
The last of the seamen, gasped his last water and did not have time to pray
Transported to a fantasy land of liquid, none of them thought did exist
They trampled over stepping stones in the cloudy veils, of the morning mist
Lured by a pure,alabaster cream Godiva woman that floated in the air
None of them could look into her eyes of the infinity type, stare
Trapped by high rocks around them and very high, to the edge in the skies
Came, from the water, some more fair maidens, dressed in beauty's disguise
They made you virile, blood pumping and then you were turned to motionless stone
They bit your necks like pigs with slitted throats, bled to death all alone
Tied like a witch to a stake, you foamed and gurgled at the throat
Just for happening to be, some Innocent passer by in a sailing boat
Your blood is freely flowing death now, you have no saviour or no hope
You wonder how it will be in the afterlife, will you be atoned or able to cope?
Now you find yourself singing, beside a beautiful girl, on an invisible rock
Her beauty was astounding it did not need the adornment of a pretty frock
Looking for any sailing, victims to lure and confuse in the darkened night
Hypnotise and trap and feed on them, well away from the power of the Divine Light
Author notes
Written June 8th, 2006. Option 2.
A contest entry
- Sad Dark Depressing...... by Ntagatf.
400 points, ended February 23, 2007, 103 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - show me the pain,ill give you the money by On Frail Wings..
550 points, ended June 18, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Vampyric Pleasures~ by XxMysticalFantasyxX.
1200 points, ended August 15, 2007, 58 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire Poems! by hazeleyedfreak.
600 points, ended August 30, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bring Me Your Wicked by XpushXmeXagainX.
875 points, ended October 6, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Vampires!!! Write Something on vampires PW by ShiningNShadows.
600 points, ended December 19, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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This is a very awesome twist on mermaids. I really liked it. Good word choice and detail. However, there were oddly placed commas and some lines that didn't fit in with the rythem. Perhaps shorter lines would make it flow better, but that is up to you! Good luck and thanks for entering!
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This was written amazingly.
And the concept was brilliant.
Mermaids are always thought to be good.
I like this twist.
Thank you. -
I'm speachless.
I really can't think of anything to say. It's simply amazing. I'm sorry I can't offer more feed back. This was an awesome write and I am very glad to have gotten to read it!! Thank you for entering and Good Luck!! -
amazing
oh what a nice little dark poem! vampire mermaids... a unique vampire story, good twist on the oh so average dark vampire poem. was wonderfully captivating, flowed off the toungue like sweet wine. keep up the dark beauty! ~pixie~
I have writen a vampire poem recently, if you would like to read it...
allpoetry.com/Poem/2121543 -
This is simply an amazing write. What a concept indeed. My mother always wanted to be a mermaid when she was a girl so I am very intrigued with this twist of mermaids indeed! I feel very fortunate and lucky that you chose to read one of my writes. I will bookmark this one and continue to read and indulge in your talent. Thank you for sharing! And BTW I would love a signed copy of your book
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awesome
very creative and very awesome
I like the idea of the poem, "VAMPIRES"...probably because i am deeply into vampires so much that some say that im obsessed but i wouldnt go that far although their is a strong possibility but i still dont think i am
i like the wording that you used and the way you rhymed...very, very, very awesome -
You've created some very vivid images here...some, quite disturbing...but vivid nonetheless. The only critique I have for you is that your lines are a bit long. Too many syllables in each line kind of makes the reader stumble over your words.
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It's very good! I like the images it conjures up, very creative and interesting way of adapting the typical mermaid legend. I quite like your word choice and the way you describe the events, particularly in the lines
"Lured by a pure,alabaster cream, Godiva, woman that floated in the air
None of them could look into her eyes of the infinity, type, stare"
One thing I might do would be a simple proofread. In particular, I noticed that you put commas in inapropriate places. For example, "golden, esoteric, rocks" should be "golden, esoteric rocks" and "percieved, silver, locks" should be "percieved, silver locks." Another thing I noticed was that the long length of the lines made the rhyming somewhat difficult to notice or get the feel of, so if you took just a few syllables out of each one it would give it a better flow.
But really, other than those two things, a very nice piece
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I really like it. It speaks to a world all its own.
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Awesome!
Wow, I really enjoyed this piece. Very deep, captivating. The title drew me in, and I was curious, This time curiosity killed the sailors..lol, Great write my friend! Awesome! -
This piece was so dark, yet beautiful! There were some spelling errors, if I am unmistaken, but I am not sure. I would have to check them myself first. After all, they could be how the words are spelled in England's dialect of English...after all, Americans have a different dialect and way of spelling certain words. This piece was quite interesting though. The imagery is strong and the plot was interesting. It is too bad that the sailors had to fall to a "bloody" death. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing!
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mermaids are cool
vampires are cool
oh my god
what if
there were mermaids
who drank blood like vampires?
oh my god
cool -
i loved it ,it was deep but very graphic i like poems like that i hope you write more soon
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never in my wildest dreams would I have thought of to take such two diffrent worlds and combinding them into one. this was done with such elegance and love..you amaze me grand pa pa.
i
you
ANgel
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I might have thought that were written by Bram Stoker himself! quite dark but dark can be good
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just get lost in it
ah for a Georges write From the start to the finish your words captivate the reader. Those beautiful singing voices lurkes in the depth. Imagery with your touch makes one damn enjoyable read. Just what i need. Thank you for giving us this one Georges different as you do.
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I love the fantasy in this poem. I love the poem as a whole really. I love the way you set it out and the imagery is amazing. I like how you changed something that can be so beautiful to something so evil.
Well done
xXx -
Vampiric mermaids? That is defferent. They sounds like sirens. This is a great fantasy piece. I love the descrptions like Neptune's daughter nad their beautiful voices luring the sailors to their death. Taking them far away from Divine's Light. Beautiful poem.
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Very good fantasy poem. Great idea vampire mermaids. Very cool. Great use of very descriptive words. Well done. Thank you for sharing.
Jeannie D Hunter
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Fantasy, Nightmarish
Wonderful! Walla! Fantasy-filled dream job! Oh my! Surprise, Surprise! Well done!!! I must say, bravo bravo! Harrowing nightmares of terrific mermaids. I could dream this poem, I swear it! I love it to death. Keep writing about mermaids and fairies, if you write about fairies that is. I love all fairy-tale like things!
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