You look into my eyes this is what you see
i am in light surrounded by dark,
alone forgotten, me.
As day by day drifts by it's closing in on me
and don't why, i try and try to make things work
until the end when find darkness has consumed my soul,
and you find my soul laying stricken with death,
lost in the eternity of my judgment, forgotten.
my expression faded,
what now? i have nothing left, i lay down
and close my eyes, nothing else, but lies,
that is what you see in my eyes.
God take me just end my life,
i have seen to much, i have lost my soul ,
it has been taken, turned to dust,
and i deserved everything.
Author notes
ummm well i dont no how to explain this one it just came out of me, it not about me obvoisly, sum crtis would be kool
Written June 8th, 2006
A contest entry
- Deep, Thought-Provoking Inspiration by Chelsea Void.
300 points, ended September 2, 2006, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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thanks alot for your comment
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This is a pretty cool poem, very descriptive and I enjoyed reading it. Short and powerful-well done! Wish you luck in the contest, you deserve to do great.
-Absence -
cheers for the com. a person who actully gets it lol. i thought about it alot if i shud give a reason but i found out it makes it better if the reader doeant know why, this makes him or her think about what happend to the guy in da poem for him to feel this way. good luck judging.
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well i have to go put my dinner in the oven so i will simply wish you good luck cos i have no time to comment
but it is really good.. so i guess i did comment so shouldn't ahve wasted all this time babbling
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thanx alot
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wow definitley dark! really interesting and deep aswell. awesome write.
xxx -
thanks alot i changed it and it alo better cheers.
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OOOH DARK liking a lot actually. couple of nit picks- erm...you could probably do with a question mark after what now...and you've missed the H out of nothing... the only other thing i would say is it might be quite effective to start a new line on the last line so it becomes
'it has been taken, turned to dust
and i deserved everything.
cos it gives it more finality and allows the sort of shock-factor to really take effect- but thats just a matter of personal taste so feel free to ignore me!
I love the way the character is talking directly to the reader and compelling us to look, with a strong, vivid voice. very dark and dramatic piece.
E~ -
thanks for the comment
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awsome write! i really liked this bc i could feel the words and them meaning in it. I could also relate so much. Very heartfelt, the struggle... nicely done.
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