When dawns awake from darken lands,
The golden ruler takes its crown,
And as on throne imposing stands
Beneath his clouds,all shadows frown.
He heard about the queen of night
But never really saw her face.
He used in vain his blinding light
In greedy searchings for her trace.
The human mortals loved her such
For in her arms they've tasted love,
And praised the sin with tender touch
While she was guarding from above.
But then,their dream was swept away
By mighty ruler of the sky
Who with a single,striking ray
He cursed the queen of night to die.
He waited her behind a cloud,
To kill the hopes inside her shape.
The wound was done and he looked proud
Of his impulsive,cruel rape.
A comet took her corpse away,
The stars were mourning for her soul,
A ghost performed a silent pray,
On sky remained a bleeding hole.
Author notes
This is the product of Sun's envy...Two elements that never meet(Moon and Sun)are gathered in a tragic embrace: death.One is the killer...the other is the prey...
Written June 7th, 2006
A contest entry
- Glowing Eyes or Bloody Fangs by Duobat.
300 points, ended August 5, 2006, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DARK SHTUFF by Cassie fai lume.
300 points, ended November 1, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme. Bring in your masterpieces! by Never Fall in Love.
1300 points, ended July 27, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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excetional
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wow....I thought this was beautifl,its well discriptive and flows well.
Good luck in my contest
O.X
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This is deep and mysterious and woven in a complicated pattern of dark and light. It has the intriguing allure of a personification that you can't quite fully grasp. In short, it is good, real poetry. Thanks for entering!
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like a ying yang
WOW, totally amazing! there are some mistake in one of your lines. now this happends to everyone, we type to fast and loss track of our thoughts but some how seem to get them all down. amazing is the work of a poets mind. but back to subject...
He waited her behind a cloud,
now is that suppost to be here?
but ether way this poem was one of the most beautiful dark writes that i have read in the longest time. your words all flow together in a type of ying yang dance of sun and moon verses. and if you fix that little mistake i told you about the ying yang shall never brake. wonderful job. ~pixie~
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Like a war between day and night! The second to last stanza didn't seem to quite flow as well as the rest, but the rest was perfect. Thanks for sharing!
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wow...this is truly one great piece...i enjoyed reading this one...lots of dark imagery...thank you for entering this contest..
...Good luck!
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Thank you! I'm glad I found someone who knows how to read/interpret/comment a poem! I hope my poems make the reader "feel" (anything)...A poem that finds no echoe is like a treasure never found!
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As always, your poetry is incredibly complex and polysemic. Your interpretation of universal symbols and themes gives a unique and interesting way of looking at things. You border on the metaphysical, here. Your poem forces the reader to assume some pretty big concepts: 1. personification of sun and moon 2. gender of sun and moon 3. emotions of each.
At first, I didn't link this to the sun and moon, but the symbolism is definitely evident. This is excellent, as it allows for multiple readings. You expand on the envy of each of these people through images and descriptions which are precise:
He used in vain his blinding light
In greedy searchings for her trace.
The rhyme and rhythm of your poetry (iambic quadrometer ??) Is very well crafted. I can tell a lot of effort went in to making it perfect, and it flows very smoothly. The loss at the end of the poem is very clear. Excellent job. I can't write anything else (esp any critical comments) so I will just applaud.
Thundercat -
The Sun was envious on the Moon because all the humans loved her very much and his authority was in danger.In her embrace they were feeling safe and more important,her darkness was givind them those special moments when they could be "strangers"...
I don't like to explain my poems because I want to let the reader to imagine whatever he wants...
But I have few recomandations for you:when you want to comment a poem,first you must read it carefully and think what it means.Don't post a comment if you didn't bother first to twist your brain and chalange your imagination!
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Now, I could be very well wrong, but did you mean "corpse" instead of "corp"? Just want to be clear with your choice of words. Why did the Sun want to kill the Moon anyway? I'm afraid I just don't understand that. It could have something to do with the fact that I just woke up, so you can completely ignore me and my silly questions, should you choose to do so. (In case you couldn't tell, I don't believe in short, nonsense comments that don't really say anything at all.)
I did like the topic you chose and the story was interesting. Personally not one of my favorites, but that's my opinion.
Sweetest of dreams! ~D~ -
A greta poem; the images work well and it draws the reader into the darkness of his act. Well done!
Chris. -
Frikin amazing once again.
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Holy **** that was amazing. i love how you changed the solar attern and made it into a story. wow. that was amazing. like really really amazing. holy crap.
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This is amazing! Great writing. Great use of words. The descriptions were wonderful. Very impressive. Thank you for sharing. Thanks for reading and commenting on my poem. I am going to read more of yours. Jeannie D Hunter
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pretty good
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excellent
Very deep and emotional poem I could feel the pain. excellent job -
Weird...dark...Original! And quite entertaining to be honest!- MKN
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