I always felt so dirty afterwards.
[is that repentance?]
Took a cold bath today.
At least, it felt cold.
Wanted to bathe my skin .
Something to stop the awful itching.
The redness hasn't disappeared.
Itching getting worse every day.
Lying in a bath,
Water full of my own filth.
Sink to the bottom,
Look at the world through tinted water.
Womb-like sounds,
And drown away.
What's wrong with your own skin?
It holds everything else in.
And keeps nothing out.
The bleakness and malevolence of the outside
World pours in, settling in grease spots
Around my veins.
Don't you see why we want to cut it off?
Start afresh.
Air out the inside, clean it, bathe it -
love it?
What's left to love?
The cat came in this morning, looking for love.
The neighbours are away.
I found I couldn't stroke him, so he fell
Asleep against my back.
Rhythmical breathing, thumping heart,
Reminders of Life.
Black cat, not capable of emotion,
More alive than any of us.
Everyone says "pray to God" - for what?
What am I praying for?
To live?
To die?
Or for him to accept my sin.
What is even the fucking sin here.
God wants my spirit not my body.
Is it that I choose to?
That I tried - and failed.
What If I succeed?
God, please tell me that you know,
I repent before I do it.
On your way out, there is no time to repent.
Do you recognised a diseased mind?
Is there no credit for the months of trying?
Months of dying and not being
Allowed to Die?
Don't take me from the world yet.
The knives at my back are waiting to do it.
Yes I can see you.
I can hear you.
I'll take you down with me.
I totally gave in,
In the shower.
Laying, naked, against the wall,
Letting the hot water trickle over me,
Bathing me, water collecting
On my skin.
Drumming into my head.
Drowning out the demons.
Washing off the marks of incest
And betrayal.
[everything I did, and I get this]
Fully clothed, and dripping,
Pulling me out.
Standing me up.
That touch felt so repulsive at the time.
Why? You're covered in her.
Just something people live with.
What if you're not living to begin with?
Just choking on that ever present thought.
The smell of you drowning her out.
Male smells, musky under bedlinen,
Choking my sense.
Sweet inability.
Nothing, is infinitely better
Than this.
As for her - relationship over.
Thrown out the letters
And removed the reminders.
Deleted the pictures.
Can't delete the memories-
So taking the trigger instead.
This is not about not wanting to live.
This is about wanting to live so badly,
That the pursuit of it kills you.
It's about striving for the neglected instinct.
Its about a total loss of feeling.
Not screaming and crying.
Not showing everyone just how "bad" you are.
Not posting vicious words.
You can't even tell me
A beautiful lie,
That this is going to get better.
Don't fucking shout at me.
I'm appalled by your behaviour.
Go for the one who's brain doesn't work.
Easy fight?
You're fighting yourself now too
Why do YOU fight yourself?
Have no choice.
Need the remedy.
God gave salvation.
Answered Prayers.
[unspoiled monsters]
Words can't erase, my minds creation.
Bear it in mind, next
Time you think you are "low".
And snap out of self induced pity.
Is nothing going to save me?
You are so beautiful.
You know that?
The most beautiful man in the whole world.
It makes me ache to look at you,
To smell you.
Linger on me, please
The best thing about me is you.
I can't become you.
No "we became like one person".
We are only one person.
Don't let me drink you dry.
What's wrong with your own skin?
It's mine.
It's beautiful.
It's killable.
Kill my skin, not myself.
Besides, scars make us beautiful
[even the ones that you caused]
End of.
Author notes
Written June 7th, 2006
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1 - 22 of 22
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Very powerful images
I can't begin to tell you where this leaves me.You have brought out so many emotions from deep withinn me. The feeling of self hate I think is a major pain. And no one knows unless they have been there. Heartache is all around this write. This is truely an amazing write.. great job.thanks for sharing it with me and allowing me to cooment on your work. also I appreciate the honesty in your comment to me.. thanks -
Beautiful Pink,
Once again you have managed to create a piece that is wrought with pain and agony yet there is a beauty to this. I'm in awe of the way you lay out your soul for the world to see. The words just flow from beginning to end and never once stutter. Excellent job yet again. Brava!!
Much Love, Lily
♥
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Lovely
Hey girly, Once again, you are fantastic! This is the poem i would like to publish, can i have your name so I can give you credit for your fantasticness?
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the first line grabbed my attention immiedately.
and its so deep...
i simply love it. i could write pages and pages, but theres no use for that. i just love this. -
I agree with the other poets. This was very good, yet dark but it did keep reading all of it..I really enjoyed this.
Soulful Woman -
This is THE best poem i have seen on here....ever...i cannot even believe the beauty and insanity in this poem...it is marvelous and I really want to read more of your poems because I am so...just wowed by this one. ~rain
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god another piece that is leaving me speechless...this reminds me of my own style of writing...different phrases and such, not always fitting together but always making sense, at least making sense to you. haha. umm yeah i dont even know what to say, your writing is practically perfect in my eyes.
xx.
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It's funny how we are so trapped by something as mortal and pitiful as our own skin...
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I like this poem, it's sick. It's long but it sucks you in...awesome lol.
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thankyou so much for the comment - it really means a lot to me, that you liked it, that you rate it, and that you were able to take something away from it.
perhaps we can talk about this some time. i would like that. you've helped me so much already
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incredible
this is so powerful, it almost knocked me to my knees. it has so much pain... -
whoa... this one was strange... weird... but i like the darkness and pain put into it... but it all seemed strange... twisted almost... but it deffinately had an impact... very good... and i like your style...
Jacob -
Hauntingly beautiful
i was reaiding this... and like i had to go... so re-read it... and there's so muc hhere... scars make us beautiful caught my eye... i do think yo uare right they do.... they add colour to ourselves... and yet its all some poepople see... somethign else i liked about this was:
'Bear it in mind, next
Time you think you are "low".
And snap out of self induced pity.'
most peoples (I include msyelf because I've done it at leats once) like ot do that.... be all "Look at me ptiy me, No one loves me" but there's so much mroe than that...theres real pain that comes fomr heart-break(not the lovey dovey kind) and painful exsistance... and those who like to make a home in a little pitty party that they throw for themselves are doing nothing but making lies.
I like you're work... Morbid. I like morbid
-Pinky
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you are an angel
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i like this. its quite long and it took me awhile to read it but you always format your pages so i can read and i appreciate that.
the beginning of the poem. i can relate to that. i dont know what it is but i can relate to it. the part about sinking beneeath the water and the womb. perfect. that was striking.
you touch upon a lot of things here as you always do. its more than a "poem" its a venture.
the part about the cat. nice. the imagery and irony and observation was perfect.
godm faith, religion. all touchy subjects. we all have our own belefs id ont even consider myself agnostitc and certainly not athetist. although i belive in faith. faith in ones self.
sometimes its harder to live than to die, ive said that before. we spend our lives looking for a reason. to live. to die. to love. reasons to be comfortable in our own skins and yh its hard to do sometimes.
ive known you for a long time now. admittly there are parts in your poems that make me want to wrap you up and keep you warm and safe from all your.... nightmares.
if it was oly enough to say i love you, would the world be a happier place. but you cant have love wihtout the pain but sometimes theres too much.... pain.
and we catch ourselves wanting.
everyday. i look back on my life. and its hard not to have regrets. and even tho i would not b the person i am today would i want to change the worst parts of my life i dont know.... but i cant live for the past. someitmes i have to let things go i spose. dont know if it helps, or ever helps or is ever forgotten. denial isnt an answer but an accident waiting to happen.
what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. so they say. i have to belive its true. im still here.
i still wake up in the morning and go through the paces no matter how redundant they are.
what am i looking for?
hope. happiness. a state of mind and not a state of being.
but if i live my life honestly. the best i can. do the best i can do. no matter what failures or shortcomings i cannot say that i havent succeded somewhere. somehow. in something.
and i may just grow old and just die alone. seems i have to make my way through so much alone. and its that whole thing, walk a mile in my shoes thing. and ppl say o this and o that o get over it. get over this. m
perhaps we should all have that silver spoon in our asses and go through life ignorant and naive.
but then how boring would that be.
still. forgiveness. pennace. still is to love you. for a persons faults as well as their defaults.
such is life. and love.
as it should be.
unconditional.
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Possibly the best I've read on AP
It's times like these that I wish I was allowed to give multiple applause! Absolutely fucking wonderful. Everything: the narrative, the phrasing, the ecomony of words... flawless. x -
would I mind?? of course not!! thankyou somuch, that means the world to me
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I'm afraid I cant find the words to describe my opinion on this poem, No words are worthy enough to be said.
Absolutely amazing poem, beautifully written.
It screams so much emotion and brought tears to my eyes.
Would you mind if I linked to it as my favourite poem on my profile?
Hope you're ok, take care and be safe.
Lauz. xXx. -
UNBELIEVABLY POWERFUL!
*drops jaw* wow.....im still trying to gather myself after this one... i haven't read anything with that much power in a great while -
I don`t know if it is possable to make enough words to confert you. I do know, VERY FEW people are truly dispicable, and they are usally in prison for there sins. Most are Victoms of anothers selfishness. You are so bright, I believe you are being overly introspective in your words. The poem matters not, except as an expression of your trama, which must end, with a change in behavor and preception therein. Whatever it is, it is. Now go and sin no more.
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wonderful poem
First of all i'd like to thank ya for sharing such a wonderful poem with us.I just loved the poem.I especially love the flow which attracts the reader toa very gr8 extent.This is an awesome write.Moreover,words are powerful which makes the poem damn effective.I just love these lines;
"What's wrong with your own skin?
It holds everything else in.
And keeps nothing out.
The bleakness and malevolence of the outside
World pours in, settling in grease spots
Around my veins."
"Black cat, not capable of emotion,
More alive than any of us."
"Can't delete the memories-
So taking the trigger instead"
"Words can't erase, my minds creation."
"Besides, scars make us beautiful
[even the ones that you caused]
End of."
I don't have an applause to give ya but i'm bookmark this page.Keep up thje great work.Looking forward 2 reading all ur works.
ranjani
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This was so amazing; it made me cry because these are how some of my days are now. Every word was amazin and emotional and I love the ending to it; a beautiful way to end everything. I love you're writing its beautiful keep it up
~Lonely~
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