I light the white candle, and pour the red wine,
she's gazing at me, I know that she's mine.
I draw the silk curtains, between nervous sips,
I feel her warm breath, then taste her soft lips.
She's pulling me closer, by my brown kipper tie,
and stroking my toodle, she's certainly not shy.
I undo her bra clip, and cup her big breasts,
they're so huge and wobbly, i'm in a state of distress.
So I pull down her panties, and bend her right over,
her albino bum-cheeks, the white cliffs of dover.
I'm sweating and banging, like a madman on heat,
my legs are all shaky, i'm in need of a seat.
I make my excuses, and collapse on the chair,
i'm now all a quiver, her bum's in the air.
She's screaming for seconds, and begging for more,
but my toodle's now crying, he's getting too sore.
So I go to the toilet, and sit on the bath,
and think of a way, to avoid this girls wrath.
If I tell her i'm sorry, I can't take any more,
she'll think i'm a wimp, and then show me the door.
So I pretend i'm still horny, pull her bum-cheeks apart,
blow a huge great big raspberry,
EXCUSE ME; DID YOU JUST FART?!!!
Author notes
Written June 4th, 2006
A contest entry
- Adult Humor by MotherMachineGunn.
335 points, ended December 11, 2006, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Something To Laugh About! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended April 10, 2007, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Laugh - 30 minutes Left HURRY!!! by FountainPen.
300 points, ended May 11, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Laughed so hard I nearly cried by Sam-I-Am.
360 points, ended June 10, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FUNNY! Make me pee my pants! by love tank x.
1750 points, ended August 21, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark, Delicious and Too Darn Funny (A Hara/Raven Collaboration) by harajukuprincess.
475 points, ended November 28, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PMS. Fix it. by Dlvvanzor.
375 points, ended November 30, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Pee by Cherokee.
300 points, ended December 2, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit My Funny Bone by SmokinHotWhiteTiger.
525 points, ended December 28, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just got out of a relationship. Make Something Funny stupid or heartfelt to make me feel better:) by Alphamale85.
355 points, ended January 21, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me Laugh! by Blue Spirit.
550 points, ended February 13, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me laugh by Stormy Days.
770 points, ended February 5, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me laugh by NeuroticMIKE.
309 points, ended February 25, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 68 of 68
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hahahah bravo!! very well written and made me laugh out loud! congrats on all the trpohies well deserved x
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FUNNY!!!!!
This is hilarious and well written Very Funny
Congratulations on the gold!!
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its been the funniest so far.
=] -
oddly funny
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hehehe. funny. thanks for joining the contest.
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Thank You For Entering
OMFG! =-O is me! I am in the state of panic and shock and laughter because roflmao @ this poem. I am just dieing from laughter at this crude adult humor of a poem and I find it extremely hilarious and well I donno if imam ever stop because I got my eyes tearing up like crazy and my throat is raw from this laughtyer thats splittin my sides. Oh man you are the poet and I am very impressed. excellent work but rofl. keep up the good work n good luck -
You better not be who I think you are! That's terrible. Thanks for ummmm... entering?
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ROFL! Ah, yes. ^^ That was funny.
Thanks for entering,
-Dlvvanzor -
Yuck!! To funny though. Great Write And congrats on all the trophies
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YAY!!!! Thanks!
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Oh dang
that's so mean. lol. scare her. make her feel al nasty and stuff.. dude. meanie.
lol -
PLEASE!!
I loved this I thought it was so funny, but I have to DQ you because of your grammar... I hate to do it, I do, I do, I do. There were too many uncapitalized I's, but if you fix them in the next 24hrs I'll keep you in. Your DQ is pending, please fix it so I can put you as a finalist.... -
LOL!! there's a new excuse LOL!
Cool, good luck in the contest
Midnight -
LOL that's one way to get rid of her!! Thanks for entering and good luck. James.
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LOL! Thanks for entering and good luck!
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option 9
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wow just wow! that was sooooooooooooooooooooo F***ing funny!!!! I Loved it! excellent work! the background goes really well with the piece as well lol!
anyway excellent job and good luck in my contest!!!!!
-Steve- -
Oh yes I would not like to be where that girl is standing right now (no pun intended). Nice turn on the horny girl instead of guy as well and love the way he is desparate to get out and is like thinking of a way... quite a creative way, actually... I reckon it would be used if it hasn't already! If this is a true story I'll eat my... I don't wear hats as I have said, but you get what I'm saying right? Funny as hell (not that hell is all that funny! Wonder why they use that phrase then).
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this was funny alright. I need my coffee...with a little something in it. LOL thank you for the entry. good luck.
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Funny
This poem just seemed to make me smile!.. I love it!.. It's great.. You keep it funny the whole way through!.. I like it alot.. good job! -
Okay.
Okay this is funny, you poor guy. What with a sore toodle and all. But it got me laughing. That is good. -
read well and was funny... thank you for entering my contest.... Good luck!
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Funny
Thanks for your entry,and good luck. -
thank you for entering and good luck in the contest with this very crazy write that made me laugh until my jaws ached
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imao... I'd be so embarassed myself. Mind you, when I've been drinking I can tire a bloke out for all it's worth... So yeah... I aint had sex, but when I dance I can do it for hours and such so yeah... I'd have like so much spare energy the guy would be aching... lol. I hope they don't try that one of me though, little shits. .
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congrats on your trophy honey. very well deserved! hope you are doing ok. Jan
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cheers jan, much appreciated,
alex snoggggs.
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I hate it when that happens!
I hate it when that happens! This was very funny and something many can relate to. I have been there before, but your solution was much funnier! Good luck in the contest, The Shaker
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Side-Splitting!
Welcome to the Finalist List... I was completely entertained with this little prose. Exactly what I am looking for.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck!
~MotherMachineGunn~ -
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thank you very much for your comment,
floorboards.
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Wow!!
OH MY GOSH!!
Now that is one way to get out of a bum situation
Congratulations on Your trophy win~~
My face initially went...
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
Then the ending just blew me away
Thanks for sharing Your rasberry talent
Many blessings to You
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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Extremely funny piece an enjoyable read Congratulations on your bronze award
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ROFLOL the ending is adorable
I suppose that is the best way to solve this 'problem' very good one - good luck to you 
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thank you very much grannyeri!
very much appreciated,
floorboards. -
This is really priceless - certainly a surprise ending - you have used the senses and taken us into this scene - minus the smell of course! Congratulations on winning silver with this write.
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aw thanks sarajane!,
alex
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Congrats on the trophy. Well deserved for this fab and funny piece.
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heehee,thank you very much my friend,
alex
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OMG! This is too funny!! I thought that I was going to have to read through an erotica poem, but this was just plain naughty! Quite humorous and entertaining. Well done my friend. You have made me laugh out loud! I was totally caught by surprise.
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heeheehee,cheers granny!
alex
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thanks a lot,
floorboards. -
thank you very much,
floorboards. -
I have to say the first lines made me think it was sweet, and then I read on. It was hysterical, and I daresay I hope your toodle is alright *chuckles and shakes her head* well done.
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funnnnnnnnnnnny
lol. really i can't stop laughing. i love how you called it your toodle makes it very funny. wow you really made me laugh cause i can't stop and now it's all your fault my stomach is starting to hurt. you did a GREAT job with this poem. thank you so much for entering.
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heehee,cheers my friend!
floorboards. -
lol... you know the way to a ladies....? Very funny x
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thanks a lot pollycheck,much appreciated,
floorboards. -
hahaha,cheers honey bear,very much appreciated,
floorboards. -
Thumbs Up
This is a very funny poem. I really liked your ending. It was not what I was expecting. I really like when a poem has a twist at the end. -
heehee,thank you so much for your kind words,
floorboards. -
thank you very much for your kind words,they are very much appreciated,
floorboards. -
cheers sarajane
floorboards. -
hahaha!thankyou very much my friend!
glad you enjoyed it,
floorboards. -
Oooops, forgot the applause
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applaud this
All I can do is laugh, I am sorry but it was just too funny for words. I am noit used to reading such poetry as this but hey I have a funny streak too sometimes,just not like these words used ,but hey I have to admit you did good and it did make me laugh. And my brothers always called it a taddywhacker, Funky words guys use. oh well it was good anyway and gets my vote. Just have to be open minded but not but so much
Cherokeesquaw
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very funny
a toodle
never heard it called that before 
very funny write though my freind and thank you for sharing it,keep up the good work toodle-oo for now
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Interesting screen Name floorboards symbolically
I can go many places with text concerning this.
However
I am here to tell you how much
I truly enjoyed your writing,
I was held captive and found the experience here good and positive
The reading was flowing with no out of place breaks
One line blended
Easily into the next
I found the rhythm of this work to be even and often times musical
And good fortune with the contest
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fab n funny
rofl, this is just soooo funny! lmao ?? hehehehhe. Great job! -
NEVER SELL YOUR TOODLE SHORT!
PARDON ME, DID YOU FART?
I would eliminate and change just a few words for a smoother flow, Bro!
For instance you dont need the word 'still' in the line that begins I'M ALL A QUIVER - etc!
Regardless of those very few word changes - AS all of the people have stated above this is HILARIOUS & SAUCY PIECE, indeed - ands my kind of humorous poetry to BOOT! It was also educational for an old fellow like me who has never heard the word TOODLE used to describe a fellows PRIDE AND JOY before! IF you don't mind - I just may use it on one of me SEXY & SAUCY PIECES! He! He! It's always worth a fellows time to find a new name for his OLD TALLYWHACKER!
THANKS for featuring and GOOD LUCK in the contest! You should win a SHINY, GOLD TROPHY for the use of the wonderful word TOODLE alone - not to mention the howls of laughter I could hear coming from all the people above while readin this one!
JOLLY GOOD SHOW, BRO!
And never sell your TOODLE short!
TOODLE LU!
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heehee,cheers val,you learn a new thing everyday,
thanks for commenting,
floorboards
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heehee,cheers tink,
floorboards. -
Lol, Lol.the only toodle I have ever heard before is TOODLE HOO or tara or simply goodbye, now that I have read this poem it won't have the same meaning any more. WEll done floorboards. Lol. Val.
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What the heck! So damn funny.. LOL.. I really got a good giggle out of this one. Well done. Tink
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heehee,cheers janet!glad you liked it,i can't stop ceckling meself!
thank you very much,
alex
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FABULOUS
HA HA HA HA ...... albino bum cheeks. this is my last poem of the day and oh Alex you have done me the world of good. This was just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. THANK YOU XX -
FABULOUS
HA HA HA HA ...... albino bum cheeks. this is my last poem of the day and oh Alex you have done me the world of good. This was just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. THANK YOU XX -
hahaha!!!cheers pal,i sniggered all the way through this,toodle is what my mam made me call the old chap,if i run into trouble like this again i'll give you a shout,cheers kenny,you're a good pal,
alex
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fantastic
Lol,lol,i loved this my man.Toodle mmm never heard that one before,there's only one thing that i'm not too happy with here and that is of course that you couldn't give this lovely woman seconds.Perhaps if you need any help in that department,i may be able to advise you on this problem.lol. Best read i've read all day Alex.Fantastic.Kenny
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