Sweep, sweep, the broom across the floor
Stirs up the dust to linger in the air
Stirs memories from the night before
To haunt the school with what happened there
Petals scattered like morning dew
Like raindrops, fallen from each girl’s corsage
Velvety soft, in every hue
Leave in their wake a fading mirage
Dancers whirling around the room
The thrumming rhythm of the drummer’s beat
Sweep, sweep, echoes the broom
Mirrors the rhythm of the dancers’ feet
Sweep, sweep, the broom whispers on
Air that carried kisses and words intense
Murmurs still, though the dancers are gone
The bristles sigh, and the mutters commence
Sweep, sweep, the broom across the floor
Recalls the swaying images of yore
Stirs the whispers that softly implore
Sweeps secrets it holds forevermore
Author notes
I wrote this a while back, and held off on adding it on here in hopes that I'd be able to improve it. But now you all get to help me with that! Don't you feel lucky all serious critiques welcome, I need help with this one!
I'm trying to conjure up the image of the morning after a dance with all the glittering litter of a prom left scattered about and a tired janitor sweeping up the mess. The glamor of a sophisticated dance, used and weary after its few hours in the sun, seems terribly romantic to me for some unknown reason.
Written February 14th, 2006
A contest entry
- All Time Favorite! by Mezclita.
600 points, ended October 13, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Awkward parts? Poor rhymes? Things you'd change?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I really like the beginning... the story, imagery, rhyming is just perfect (for it doesn't jump out at you rather does what rhyme's supposed to do emphasize and enhance flow... like makeup applied well? hmmm)...
But then later you loose momentum... i think it might be because your inspiration is just that feeling of the morning after and nothing more when in the poem the colors are so vivid and strong as if something very out of the norm and potentially shocking had happened... but you build us up real well for us to discover it was "just" about a prom night? it's like... urrr I don't know...
Maybe inspiration is supposed to do just that (like a certain spark only to ignite creativity and take you somewhere beyond the literal)... so don't stop at the concrete matter that made you write this to begin with... try going away where it takes you... make up a situation for that matter...
Or maybe if you can't (as I probably wouldn't either)then, the other way 'round it might be to somehow cut if off short and leave the reader pondering on their own, for by the last time you mention sweep sweep sweep... it's been overdone!
But hey, despite all I've said I do still like it quite a lot! It's just that you asked for critique... either way, thank you for entering ^^
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The images I get after reading this ....make me slip between reality (the janitor cleaning up) and the fantasy of attending the dance. AND that's a good place to be right now or a good place for a poem to take you.
Sometimes when I write something that I am not quite satisfied with, I set it aside. I look at it every now and then, read it aloud and listen if it needs something added or changed. Then I make the change and set it aside again. Go back and reread it and if it works I share it.
we are all here to encourage and help each other...right? -
Great rhyming write.
Wow, glad to see a new poem (or old poem, newly posted, as it were) by you! Great poem, I could definately deciper the image you were trying to impose, so I suppose objective numero uno completed! I'm a fan of repitition and choruses and the such in poetry, and your poem certainly didn't suffer from it
. I might have used it all the way through the poem, in every stanza that is, but your way works just as well, if differently.
There is a lot to commended in this poem, that is to be sure, especially concerning the images played out and some of the language used. Many phrases were well-thought out or simply original. Wow, I didn't even notice every other line rhymed until a more meticulous looking over. That could be one of the first times that's happened. Hats off! The one that gave it away, though, was at the beginning... air/there? C'mon, you can think of something else. In fact, the entire last line of the first stanza is off for the poem. And just keep an eye on some of your metaphors, that you don't accidentally procure a stale one... like referring to lights as jewels. It's saddly getting old. There must be something else to compare lights too? How bout reflections in water, in vases, in sparkled ribbons or the glass etchings in the empty punch bowl? I mean, there are other comparisons to be made, if you think.
Overall, a great and enjoyable read, and I hope you post some more writing for me to dissect sometime soon. -
Sweep, sweep, the dusty broom across the floor
Stir up the dust to linger in the air
Sweet memories of what has gone before
May haunt the corridors with curious stare
Frail petals, scattered here like morning dew
Spent raindrops, once sparkling on each corsage
Velvety soft, in every silent hue
Leave in their wake a fading, fond mirage
Dancers, whirling, free around the room
The thrumming rhythm of the drummer’s beat
Sweep, sweep, those echoes of the broom
Mirroring the rhythm of the dancers’ feet
Darkness now drips from off the lofty walls
Where myriads of lights once flashed, jewel-bright
Colouring the dullness of sepulchral halls
Where shadows stultify the lure of light.
Sweep, sweep, the broom will whisper on
Through airs that carried kiss, and words intense
These murmur still, though dancers now are gone
The bristles sigh, and mutterings commence
Sweep, sweep, the dusty broom across the floor
Recalling shadows from a world of yore
Stirring the whispers that were heard before
Sweet secrets that are lost for evermore
It's still your work. Best wishes. -
Very Good
Very nice! You could write music to it! It is a very melodic piece! -
great
This is a wonderful poem,It has a great flow and rhyme to it.Wonderful choice of words and the ending is very smooth.I love the description of memory and the detail in the whispers of before.lovely.you are a great poet.write on.
StrvnArtst
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