She went down a dusty road
refusing every helping hand.
"I want him back, I want him back"
words echoing in her mind.
"I cannot live without him"
She didn't want to quit
She didn't want to quit.
He kills my fun
He kills my fun
senseless thoughts rushing through her mind
revenge
revenge
revenge
make him suffer
make him feel guilt
make him suffer for the rest of his life
I'll be the suicide girl!
Author notes
Written May 27th, 2006
What did you think
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1 - 5 of 5
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this is a really awesome piece, very very strong words that really helped to bring out the feelings and emotions of the piece. great write, i loved it
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Interesting
I thought that the repetition was very wise since it reflected the insane preoccupation of the spurned lover who swings to suicidal thoughts as a means of satisfying her desire to hurt her lover. The repetition also conveys the way in which certain illogical thoughts recur in a disturbed mind that cannot escape morbidity and self-defacement. Chaos, not order, is what dominates in the minds of lovers so distressed.
You could add, as a last thought in the poem -
" An indelible blood-stain
On his conscience." camus -
Dark piece which I liked a lot. Keep writing, I liked the repetition here.
All the best
Pozo
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I loved this piece. I liked the repetition in there. I made the poem really stand out.
I would suggest a slight change in wording for line 15 I think the word 'feel' throws the flow slightly. If you could find aother way of wording this it may help. -
Dark and suicidal like a tidal wave crashing heavily clumsily on the mounds of rock and punctuated by the lines that reverberate amidst chaotic words of misfortune and then the title so apt and the muse so rapt...perfect poem for a pessimistic creature like me Shubs
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