(I thoroughly apologize to all the highly
visual people, in advance)
A Woman’s Guide (Or Man Aide -Not
to be confused with a band-aid)
I.
It really is,
That we have all been going about this the
wrong way ladies
First things first, you need a
hungry one
A lean male is much like a spare rib
There just isn’t much to enjoy, before it’s
all bone
And while it sounds good
in the initial…
Frankly,
It’s about the same as a ridged bed post, and
a bed post will continue to support
its share, after it’s over
So you need one that eats with
both hands
The kind-
that picks up an immense hamburger and buries his face in,
while the sauce drips and drools off his fingers,
down between the hair on his arms
Where you can hear his nose pushing breath
Like a whale surfacing finally at
ocean top
Because a male that eats
like that…
Will pick you up by the legs, whether you squirm or not
Spread you like peanut butter, and settle in
for a good meal.
II.
A wise,
(or more likely, experimental male)
Will figure out that the reverse
is true as well
A woman that loves to eat, has a huge
oral fixation
An enlightened male will realize that he
needs only to figure out how to
put himself on the menu
Which explains the phenomenon of-
Males that make walking sticks jealous, holding
the hand of a powerful woman of the curve,
with a lush roly poly smile
If he figures out how to convince her that
he’s the German chocolate cake she
gave up at dinner…
he marries her.
III.
A more subtle and genteel approach to
proper assessments of
his assets,
Give him a baby to rock in
a rocking chair
If he’s incapable of rocking an infant
to sleep, if he can’t do that
Then he can’t do you
A baby enjoys the same back and
forth body rock that properly
created it.
Too many men grunt from the
force of air, both his and
yours
Crashing against you as waves against
cliff rocks, that soon smooth
and lose all feel
A man of the swaddle,
however,
Will have learned to hold your waist bone as
a lifesaver, and buoy your O floater
with a strong undercurrent
Spray is minimal,
It’s all about impact pressure.
IV.
How do you know it’s been done right?
(for all you first timers
out there)
We all know that while men
die off like May flies,
We energize
You should have just enough nuclear
power after that
To clean out that closet, with the vinyl
records you know he’s been
trying to hide on you
Paint the walls in shades
of mood
…and a few loads of laundry
Possibly even clean his squeechie stain out of
your underwear,
The one he swore,
he wasn’t man handling in the bathroom…
Author notes
...
Payback's a bitch, ain't it Nam? 
Oh~ And in case, anyone wishes to have these instructions read to them...
media.putfile.com/A-Womens-Guide-or-Man-Aid-
Written May 26th, 2006
A contest entry
- Anything by Nam.
900 points, ended August 25, 2007, 97 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 78 of 78
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Payback? I don't get it.
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Actually, that comment had something to do with something that was going on at the time I initially posted it.
Which, if you look, was about a year and a half ago. I had forgotten it was there, to be honest.
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very funny
sure is different way of looking at sex lol keep up the good work -
Holy Shit Woman!!
You had my full attention with just the title alone but when I got into the lines, oh dear lady... you had me sitting upright in my chair. It was difficult to laugh in between holding my mouth wide open in sheer shock, as well as awe of course, at the great lines you have penned here. You got MY vote!!
♥ Touchof1der
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ABSOLUTELY GREAT! Amazing! You are great with words. I love it, love it, love it. I did however see a few spelling mistakes that you might want to look for. I was so involved I forgot to type down a note about them.
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LOL!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!! This is hilarious!!!! But, as funny as it is, let me tell all you ladies out there that it is so true!!!! Those that don't believe it, we don't blame you, we blame your men. You we feel sorry for!!!! One last thing to say 'Thank God for my man that knows how to rock a baby and loves to take his time eating as much as he can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~DAWN~
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Funny....when I started reading I thought "ewwww..." but all in all it was creative. Thanks for the smile.
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Ha!
This is great - the first one is my favorite. a hamburger...love pickles.
It made me smile a mile that's for sure and a roly poly smile at that.
I think I'd like to be a fly speck on your brain matter just for a while.
Have a great night!
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Ah, I see. Well, that makes sense of a few things. That's the benefits of free form. It's versatile. And all poetry and prose are stories. That's the nature of the beast.
The only real job of poetry, is leave impressions of images and feelings. What ever way that is done is fine, so long as it is done. In free form, the power of suggestion is god. And other things like alliteration and assonsance are useful too. But it's all about the power of suggestion.
I didn't want this particular piece bogged down with adjectives. This one was designed to be nearly plain speak, with the capacity to leave a mark on people's minds. It's a style I'm still developing, actually.
But, of course, you may think what you like of it... -
You see Old Lass, I don't view this as poetry.
It's a story - and one that's not to my taste too!
Miseryguts! -
This poem/guide is great...its very inciteful and probably quite true...this is hilarious i like it alot
Excellent write
J.P. -
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
WOW. I've read this before but I didn't have time comment. And now I do. I love this. I think it's hilarious. And the rocking chair with the baby and then to rocking the body DAMN. And the eating the hamburger with 2 hands 'getting his face in it' that's hot
. And yes, us women to energize . Another good thing about being a women. We always bounce back, unlike men who seemed to have passed out. Anywho, I Love it. If I could applaud it 6458431 times I would.
Great Write
Missy
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Be sure to tell me what you think!!
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OK, I am going to right now...lol!!
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Oh you crack me up! You naughty thing!
I was just waiting for you to run across this one! You should listen to the audio, it's freaking hilarious! I made it sound like an old 70's cassete instruction tape! 
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my dear...now I need help coming up for air!! This is over the top...mine and his...now I know why I have so much energy tonight though! LOL!!
Girl, this was so, so funny, and just what I needed to hear tonight, as I left him snoring in the bedroom to sit up for some me time.
Brilliant. Now, what can I clean...
Love, Kelly -
The rocking chair and being able to put a baby asleep in it, had to do with a male's capacity to move his body in a pleasing consistent flow. I think I must have not worded that well enough, as so many seem to miss that point. It's not about his capacity for concern, as it's not the mentality that I was going for here, but rhythm and body contol. That kind of thing.
But yeah, the trust thing gets in the way too. -
Provokative tease
This incites fantasies and comparisons, my rules for selection have more points of comparison and rocking chairs are for porches but it is the touch and sensitivity to get the baby to burp and being able to handle the urp with aplomb that counts.
Of course everybody elses shit is obvious. Our own is sublime.
I like this not because it is erotic, it is more of a tease and that is only a promise unkept, not delivery. I like it because it made me laugh and think about how often I have chosen based upon a whim of delight in some silly behavior or the sound of a laugh. so much of good sex is how feelings are shared in touch and how much we listen. I discovered a long time ago that women talk touchy feely with out knowing how to be intimate - trust - when it really counts.
Thanks for the chuckles and the inside jokes. Love Tom B. -
I totally loved this! Hahahahaha I am still laughing at the hamburger with both hands kinda man. Hahahahaha My man is slim and trim and a health-golf fanatic, but he's got the kind of staying power that leave me...well maybe that's a little too much info.
As far as rocking the baby, does changing "shitty diapers, feeding, and burping count? Hell I can do the rocking in wither case. Hahahaha
This is my last read for the night. I will retire with hubby and see if I fantasize that he likes to eat like a pig, he... well there I go again with the info, too much!
He is quite two fisted though.
Wonderful stuff here lady. I hope Nam got the full touche! LOL
The best to you in the challenge!
Much Love,
Renee
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Hey now... Where did you get that piece from? You trying to start something?
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Should I have commented on "Rubber Octopus"?
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Figures... You would say "Figures..." at a Male's comment.
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Figures... You'd comment on this one... Males... -
This is exceptional in every respect. Insights from the female perspective! With humor and vivid instructions. Paint me a picture! Without being too over the top. Love the last stanza of the second half. I agree with those who have said it should be required reading for all.
Your insight in this subject is fascinating... it would make a great contest to see how others would write thier approach to this same subject.
Comment tally - take it up a notch! 8! -
The God of mischief...
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who is Loki? LoL [dare I ask?]
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Yeah! I really am too! I'd torment the hell out of you! I'm the reincarnation of Loki!
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haha you big MEANIE Lol
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What are you talking about? I would have cupped my hands around my mouth and made sure everyone heard...
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LoL ha ha... ~rolls eyes~ you're suppose to sympathize with me! and say 'that asshole' Lol.... haha. well i guess i am a dork. Ha Ha
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~falls out chair, gasping for breath~
You're such a freaking dork!
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hehe.... it wasn't my idea... it was his. funny... the first time i ever went to a porn store was with him. it was my cowboy we went out last night and I was telling him how much fun it was the night he took me to the 'pleasure emporium' on the beach... cuz i had never been to one and i had been hinting that i wanted to go [this was back in october or november] so we laughed about it, and he asked if i wanted to go again... and i said not really. so we're driving and he points out a place that used to be a 7-eleven that he used to go to... but was now an adult store. i asked him if he'd seen how they remodeled the place. LoL. so then he asked me if I wanted to go... and i said 'sure, why not?' so we went. it was fun[ny]. LoL. i'm such a little kid... i was walking down this aisle and i almost bumped into this random guy so i turned around and went running back to him and hid... and he was like 'what's the matter?' and i told him 'i don't know. there was a guy there' and he asks 'well, did he try to do something to you? why are you running? are you okay?' and i started laughing and said 'i dont know why i'm running... i just didnt want to be seen' and he starts laughing at me and pointing saying 'look everybody, Rebecca is here' lol. the jerk
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And yes... you're a little pervert!
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You should listen to the audio... I made is sound like an 80's instruction tape... it's freaking hilarious!
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hahahahahahaha lolololololol this was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know what else to say, other than it was absolutely hilarious. kinda disgusting, but hey... that's what made it funny. especially.. haha. last night i went to pornographic store with my friend and so the image is unfortunately too fresh to forget. LoL... they were playing tranvestites fucking. ha. that was disgusting... but hey... if it floats their boat. It was more of a toy store though [thank god! i've heard the real porno places are packed with sickos!]
soooo yeah, i probably shared entirely too much info, but this was hysterical.
I love you for making me laugh. -
LMAO I told you it was funny! And guess what? You're my 69th view!
Maybe that's good luck for you?
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Oh my gosh! I have to clap!
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Excellent
This was great. Can't read it without laughing. -
Well done!! This is great!
Just hiliarious.
Great job.
Thank you so much
for sharing. I needed
a good laugh.
Good luck in the contest.
Jeannie D
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he he.. i lke this a lot.. very inventive.
though i have to say, the immense hamburger image was nto nice
love and husg
jess -
LMAO You cracked me up...
But you aren't supposed to 'find a girl that likes peanut butter'... You're supposed to make her peanut butter...
You men are hopeless!
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This is absolutely hilarious. Funny, after reading it I seem starving. While it provided ample nourishment for my mind and soul, a man does not live by knowledge alone, HE NEEDS PROTIEN! I believe this one of the most insightful pieces on the mystery of female motivations I ever read. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and am bookmarking it future reference. So if I every run across a gal who likes peanut butter I'll know what to do. Ironic it is that you should say something about ribs as I had a plate of them last night. While I love the tasty morsels you can strip from the bone I always wind up getting more on me than in me. This deserves more than the one applause I am allowed to give it Bravo... Viva la feme.
Frightendove
ps. I don't know if you know me but your screen name sure looks familiar. Maybe I read some of yours or vise versa. Doesn't matter now. All that does matter is that I know you now. I'll add you to my favorite's list if you don't mind. -
OMG this is great and funny and so very true. the truth is often funny. wow this should be in all the men's bathroom stalls- for those long haul reads ^_^
excellent and best o luck keepin a float in the contest -
LOL This made me really chuckle for many reasons which I shall not disclose !!!
Brillant hun, very well written and indeed a pleasure to read xxx -
Hah, that piece was awesome. I loved how you wrote it and you definetly kept my attention. Excellent job with this one!
♥Nicole
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Ha!! I love this. Fun and honest, naughty and nice. A unique piece. I could only speculate on the cause of inspiration for this piece. Simply brilliant.
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This piece is just too friggin' cute! I very much enjoyed reading all your analogies and thoughts! Heck, I may have even learned something!
Thank you for the smiles and the images that came to mind!
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i'd leave a real comment but i'm still snickering too hard.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it! ^^-^^ Please pass it along. I don't write humor that often, so I promote the hell out of it when I do.
Anyone who needs a little twisted cheering up... smack them with this!
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LOL!!!! I love this!!!! I'll have to show this to a few people. They'll love it!!!! Thanks for sharing, I needed a good laugh!!!!
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Yes, but you have to admit... it would have been terribly funny if I had used 'cottage cheese' instead... I was so tempted to make everyone sick!
It was a revenge on Nam, after all...
Edited on May 27, 3:02 p.m. because ''. -
And now.. I'm caught up. Ha! See, I never let myself get too far behind.
And now I can comment. Right? Right? Well, I am anyways... and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Oh. I guess there is. But if you delete me, I'm coming after you with a fluffy pink stick! Careful... it's sitting right beside me. It's my fairy princess wand... and I'll turn you into a pink wearing fluffy bunny... I will.
(Hey, I'm just excited to of caught up on my reviews. Now, if only I could get to the rest of the ones I owe reviews to. Poor Onyxsoul... I've been promising for a while now. Ok. Beat me with my fluffy pink stick.)
You know, already... that I got a kick out of this.
Besides the peanut butter (thank gods it was peanut butter. Whew.) line, I would have to say this one gave me a chuckle...
"Males that make walking sticks jealous, holding
the hand of a powerful woman of the curve,
with a lush roly poly smile"
And that ending... damn good!
And yes, you kept the payback true to you. There isn't any rhyming! (wipes forehead) Thank the good lord!)
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Glad you liked it doll! ^^-^^ Thanx for listening!
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LOL, I like this one alot. When I clicked onto the audio clip it only added to how good this really is. Good work putting this all together...
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wow kinda erotic to me, very juicy, very true, i could comply to demands like this
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Exactly. I like compliance, and there is always a good reward.
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I thought you'd have fun with it! ^^-^^ Thanx for stopping by to enjoy my mischief with me...
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Compliance to thier wishes is the reward. The 'reward' isn't the same for everyone. And so there is the point.
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Wow, what a write! Love the bluntness of it!
I see you altered the background a little. Very cool.
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How about for reward?
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Why else would they be kind, if not for compliance?
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Ever encounter the type that is very kind to you, yet always finds a reason for a binding session?
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I bet you'd be more then happy to be one of my case studies... -
I'll pretend to know. I can help you by the way.
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Yes, you're right.
It took years of hands on research. I have been very serious and deligent in my efforts, taking a very personal approach. As I felt that just the right touch, is what was needed to bring to life, really burst forth, the truth, you know?
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This took years of research Pollycheck. She knows what she's talking about and knows what she wants. And that's why I like older women.
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This poem was a wonderful read! It is so very true in all of it's glorious bluntness (is that even a word? lol)! Great job!
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OUTRAGEOUS! LOL
Outrageous! Funny read and educational too. You have a great title for this selection as well. All men should be forced to read, comprehend and agree to your instructions. The world would have more peace, don't you agree?
You have an amazing ability with words, keep writing. Good luck in the contest. Blessings. -
Standing ovation; encore; 2 thumbs way up!!
POWER TO THE WOMAN!!!!
omgs I nearly tripped out while reading this lol my brain as seized the moment to simply yell, "I dont know who you are but there should be a sequel to this. In other words, A Man Guide for A Woman" What you have written is not only supass the words of blunt truth and honesty but I guarantee that every woman here on AP will shout for another encore of this write
Rae
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silly girl me
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Which one do you mean?
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whose that drunk fuck ^
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hahahaaa
skinny guys make good noodles though, right
just put them in a hot bathtup and booiiilllll
until soft
then add sauce -
Hehehe totally true. You're so right, he's gotta love to eat. *shrugs* If not, he's not a man, he could be a panda or something, but he's not a man. I think all guys ever should read this. It's so blunt yet to the point. Awesome.
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Ahaha. Nice. Just...nice (with emphasis, aiight? haha).
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Great!
LOL...very interesting...I'm taking notes over here. I enjoy reading material like this - it's a very insightful piece for single men (like myself ). A very enjoyable read ~ James
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Thumbs Up
This is a very good poem. and so true too. I would like to know how long you did research on this, because it sure sounds like you know what you are talking about
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