A solemn scene in the distant hills
Where all is quiet and all is still,
With scents from raspberry, crisp air fills
The cold November's night in tranquil.
He goes in search of the long lost maid
Over the hills, beyond the glade
Where careless cattle, with ease they strayed
Along the path when the mist would fade.
Beside clear pools with the half moon's glow
He strides alone with just his shadow
And the seducing tune to follow
Those haunting dreams seen ago.
Of her long lapis skirt, swaying by
As she sings her song, her tear stained eye,
Wayward thoughts flying high
In solitude beneath the azure sky.
Author notes
Written May 24th, 2006
A contest entry
- Enter Your Best Poem Here, ONE WINNER TAKES ALL by echo-ink.
725 points, ended August 8, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
-
WOW! a classic olden days tune to this, loved it, [I love rhyme]
Glad you entered, good luck.
PL
-
VERY LOVELY TRULY A BEAUTIFUL POEM
GREAT JOB MY FRIEND,
AN EXCELLENT JOB.
THANKS FOR SHARING THIS WITH ME.
I LOVE YOUR WRITE.
BEST WISHES TO YOU ALWAYS -
Very beautiful and the images you created are awesome. Great writing. Good luck! Thank you for sharing. Very well done.
Jeannie D Hunter
-
impressive write... good flow of words ... vivid imagery
-
Excellent
So lovely, reminds me of the movie, "Brigadoon", Gene Kelly and Cid Charisse. Ever see it, two lovers meet in the Highlands of Scotland, the village only materializes once every Century for a day. Gene, a hunter, lost and hungry, with a friend, Van Johnson, stumble upon the village as the fog clears acrost the Scottish moors. And the rest is history. Funny how all things seem to link up in this parallel universe we call home, isn't it? Fine write on your part. Loved it. Great. Walt. -
Lovely poem raspberry. Soft and vivid. I can almost smell the fragrant air, hear the soft crys and see that half moon glow on the water. Very well done and best of luck in the competition. Emmjay
-
This certainly does look like an award winner to me - it has a classic old poetry read to it! Perfectly penned to these eyes and very much enjoyed
Congrats again! Bravo!
gal
-
wow...very nicely done...you took me past the counting of syllables and into another realm......appreciate someone who can play with words like music!!
-
congrats raspberry. Yours was my winning vote.
-
wow. im speechless.
-
He goes in search of the long lost maid
Over the hills, beyond the glade
Where careless cattle, with ease they strayed
Along the path when the mist would fade.
well, tell him i am right here. lol. this is fantastic. thank you for sharing this with me and i wish you the best of luck in this contest that we both have entered. hope2makeit -
As always your poem is perfection. I wouldnt change a thing...You are an amazing poet and your rhyme, flow and word usage is ALWAYS fantastic!
Lynda
-
Excellence as always Flowing, entrancing rhythem and smooth, flawless rhymes adorn this piece of poetry. Superb write in all ways, images, feel and sound. Well done on all levels. s and best wishes always... ~genielassie~
-
eloquent
A little bit different, but very nice. I have encountered few poets here that write like this. You put enough detail to make the picture clear, but leave enough out to allow me to fill in the holes with my own imagination. A very nice poem.
Good luck!
KP -
This is totally charming. I am especially fond of work that rhymes and has a nice meter. The word choice was wonderful and it certainly had the feel of something from the not so distant past. Great job and best of luck in the contest.
-
This is so funny, the rasberry blower, yes I am laughing ( not because of todays flatulance but...
-
I like the mystical feeling you have created here along with the captivating images you have painted with your words..I enjoyed the read and to me it doesn't matter what form used as long as I liked and understood the poem..You have done both well. Good luck in the contest..take care.
-
Being one who just reads and enjoys poetry I never find myself counting syllables or such things I just look for feeling included in the piece.I may be wrong in doing so,there are many who will point out what they see as errors in writing styles.Not me if I like a piece I know without looking to deep This one i Like as has been said by another This has the feeling of a time long ago.A fine poem and as ever a pleasure to read Good luck in the contest
-
Oh my.. I took care for the meter. Trust me, it is 9 syllabel throughout. And u say the meter crashed..
-
personally I wouldn't be changing anything. This is your poem. You wrote it the way you did because that is how YOU feel it best.
Sure there are always other ways, styles and structures that could be applied. But they are not yours. This is not an education lesson or a poetry perfect lesson. Its an expression of your talent as you choose to show it. I like it and enjoyed the read.
Jan
-
First couple of stanzas are okay when suddenly the meter crashes and burns because of word choice. It is more important to rhyme through your line than simply plonking what you think rhymes at the end. It is dangerous ground trying to write AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, DDDD verse without it sounding forced. For the most part, although a little clichéd, it is pretty good. Not great, but good. It could be really good with word choices that don’t crash into each other and trip each other up. There are some lines in this I read thinking, wow, very cool indeed whilst others were lame to say the least. This poem must tick along and the reader must be moved along by the lilt of the piece. That is why the inherent melody of the words are so very important.
David
-
I liked the feel of the poem, the picture it creates (even though I had to re-read it again to actually get that picture.... rhyme schemes often have the weakness of distracting from content). I like how you snuck "raspberry" into it. The fantasy elements are quite vintage and I enjoy that. Occasionally the flow seemed a little difficult, sometimes seeming like there's too many syllables (this becomes mostly easily forgiven with additional reads), and rhyming words where proximal stressed syllables distract from the rhyming and make the rhythm fall to pieces (this applies to both "glow/shadow" and "follow/ago"). I've given thought to the idea that this could have been deliberate.
Overall a good one. I think there's some room for improvement, but the style is one that suggests the poet is pretty conscious of each aspect of the work, so I'm pretty sure that improvement will come and the writing will continue to evolve (I'm using such grandiose words!). The author has a long way to go before peaking, and I think along the way a lot of impressive work is going to be written. I'm not trying to blow the author up egowise (consider it popped now if I unintentionally have) because the the poem itself is just "good", as in a 6 or 7 out of 10. I'm just saying that I think there's a lot of potential. Good luck, raspberry. -
excellent
that's absolutely wonderful! loved the words and de phrases
sherry
-
Beautiful! You are the female version of wordsworth, aren't you?
Carry on writing like this. It would be amazing if you could produce something like this for the finals.
-
Beautiful vibrant piece filled with wonderful imagry. The feel and flow are awesome, as is the rhythm and rhyme. Keep your pen forever flowing! Bunny
Adding your comment:
1 - 25 of 25
