Heart-Strings

Love is not so frail
that it fails when we are sad.
God is not so small.

Rain.
It’s the gray sky—not the raindrops—
that gets us down.
The sun does wonders to our moods.
But the thing about a gray sky
is that it’s deceptive.
A lying gray sky.
The clouds claim that the sun is dead,
but they lie.
The gray sky screams that there is no light,
but—look!—how light seeps through!
Even the vastest expanse of clouds
cannot contain the mighty sun!
See, then, how permanent is the victory Light has won!

And even in the night,
when dark prevails,
even then, we have the moon—light never fails!
For what is the moon but a reflection of the sun?
See how permanent is the victory Light has won!

I hope for the sun,
and all the while I have the Light!
Oh, these tears—they are of joy!—that fill my sight.
They do not drown nor wash away
the sun’s enliv’ning might!
Inevitable, Immeasurable, Immovable.

And yet…

the true dark times
are when I close my eyes.
For I deny,
in doing so,
the light.
I ransack hope,
rape faith,
worship fright…
Oh, wretched little boy—I’m not a man!
For men do not cower like I am!
I could wallow here forever.
Self-pity. Self-hatred. Self-doubt.
Selfish.
It hurts so much to swallow.
“Whoever comes after me…”
I must swallow my pain…
“Let him deny himself…”
But I can’t…
I must swallow my sin…
“Take up his cross…”
But I can’t!
I must swallow death!
“And follow me.”
But I can’t.
I can’t follow you!
No matter how much I want to…
So…so…
Has the light left? But it never leaves!
At least…
I believe…
“Why so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?”
If I cannot follow, who can?
“…with groans that words cannot express…”
The Light intercedes,
and scolds the dark,
‘till it recedes.
And I am left, bare, before You,
My Light.

In darkest times—
through thickest clouds,
past grayest skies,
in deepest nights,
You are the Light!

And, though I close my eyes,
You tug, unending,
at my heart.

I cannot deny
that, where I am not,
Thou Art!