Misery
~~~~~~~~she had s e e p i n g
dying reflecting her onyx eyes once so b . e . a . u . t . i . f . u . l
~~~~~~~~~now stitched with the threads of a blood-tinted midnight
sewn with shards// of her crystal tears
she gasped grasped at light flickering to a last b r e a t h
her fingers grow cold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~lifeless pale
~~~~~and I was not there
her scarlet tears d i s t u r b the dust laying thick on this floor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~in her chosen death cell
her crypt her grave
~~~~~~~~~~~~can I cease her t.o.r.m.e.n.t ?
... too late. like the torn c ob w eb s I leave behind...
I try to mend them while I s u f f o c a t e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~and s l o w l y d i e within
I remember her warm embrace
~~~~~~~~~~~ f a d i n g with her b ro/ ke n ebony wings ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a wingless angel
~~~~[T R A P P E D] I endeavor to r e a c h her
still death. e n v e l o p e s her
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~stealing away this one last sweet embrace
I am deafened by the weight of her s i l e n c e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ deadened in the .chill. of her chamber...
I touch her cemented casket laid out before me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I hear bluing lips purpling veins pallid eyes her ebony hair once caressing c h e e k s now set in c o l d white ivory
all echoing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a silent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ s c r e a m ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dying words s t i l l e d, whispering in the dank air of her accusing crypt
on her limp hands in the darkness
~~~~~~~~~~~~'`tears'`glisten`' and frozen on a dead white lily
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ her soul
becomes sealed
in here with me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ f o r e v e r
in the dim dark a dead lily rises t w i r l i n g in stitched fingers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~then s e t t les upon her breast
I drink the elixir of my poisoned romance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ c e a s i n g ~~~ to exist
s l i d i n g down with the dead. lily I am engulfed in sh~atter~ed dreams
in the |closed doorway| of her t o m b
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~and there within the........slow..........passage..........of..........time
my heart ~~~~~~n u m b s
a companion piece to Elixer of my Poisoned Romance by Scarlet Whisper
Author notes
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To My Challenger:
(Ref.: “Only fresh language makes a poem, (later qualified to ‘good’ poem), implying that this poem does not have fresh language, and therefore this poem is not a good poem.”
The poem contains creative typography, yes, but it merely enhances the imagery, and supports the true primary elements of the poem- the story within, the story behind, and most of all, the feelings involved. My challenger is clearly stuck on one single tool among many, and an artificial, mechanical tool, at that, and is blind to the primary aspects- story and emotions.
First, let’s see other mechanical tools the challenger deems non-existent or unimportant in writing...
LIST I: Mechanical Tools the Challenger Ignores: (some employed in the above poem)
Rhythm
Meter
Rhyme
Refrain
Onomatopoeia (spell that twice...!)
Existing Language (yes, a tool that I used here, for reasons given below!)
Repetition
Alliteration
Assonance
Consonance
Simile
Metaphor
Symbolism
Personification
Concrete
Visuals (yes, color selection was critical here...)
Now, any combination of these could become the main features of a poem. To claim that ‘fresh language’ alone makes a good poem is absurd! (or is only true for Rap?)
Now let’s list some other tools, that sail completely over the head of the challenger, those that are above and beyond mere mechanics:
LIST II: Tools Above and Beyond Mechanics:
Subject Matter
Conflict and Other Story Elements
Imagery
Information
Emotion
Life Experiences
Intent of Poem
Story Behind the Poem (in this case, the companion poem and the two poet’s relationship)
Irony
Allegory
Tone of the Speaker
Denotation
Connotation
All Words Working Together to Form a Coordinated Whole
Audience Intended For
So where does “Fresh Language” fit in with the above very critical elements which are above and beyond mere mechanics? It does not fit in anywhere, except ‘audience intended for’, and the existing language which you deem overused and cliche is most effective there! Fresh Language will not help in forming a bond with such readership.
So ‘Fresh Language’ would be merely ‘fluff at best here, and a loud distraction at worst- like Rap music in a boom-car. It may apply in other endeavors. In Rap, for example, fresh language is at the forefront, where it serves the primary purpose of Rap- as a language trendsetter for social misfits and criminals, or those aspiring to be.
Review: The Key Elements in the Above Poem are:
story within the poem
story behind the poem
emotions
imagery
flow
all words working together as a whole
word selection and form integrated with the companion piece (of which the challenger completely missed...)
So the challenger suffers from a case of ‘tunnel vision’ as to the tools of poetry, fixating on only one, that of ‘fresh language’. Furthermore, readers like the challenger, I sense, lack romantic experience and related emotions, a critical element to bring to a reading listed in the category of ‘Love’. Such readers read poems like mechanics. They have not plunged into the perilous sea of romance and love. How such readers stray into the ‘love’ category and feel they are qualified to comment is beyond me. Nevertheless such honest, though errant, comments do challenge the poet into analysis, and therefore a thanks should be given if only for that (as I did)!
Reasoning Behind This Poem:
This poem was based on a poem prewritten by someone of the opposite gender, which is linked to at the end of this poem. The companion poem used certain words popular with said gender, and a certain form identified with that poet. Where is ‘fresh language here? It is irrelevant, and worse, detracting, shifting the reader’s focus from the romanticism, imagery, relationship, and love between the characters in the story to the pomposity and attention grabbing of the narrator. For the narrator to be an in-your-face rap artist would kill this piece.
Also, the challenger did not see the ‘whole’- two poems together and the story behind them, in a blind fixation on that one tool among many, that of artificially (and irrelevantly and harmfully in this case) inserting ‘fresh language’. He did not notice that this poem was merely a part of a greater whole, which consisted of two interacting poems.
So, in order to make the ‘whole’ (the two poems together) greater than the sum of its parts (each poem individually), I restricted myself to the words used in the preexisting companion poem, as well as the form, in order to unify the imagery and emotions, and make the whole greater than its parts.
As to ‘fresh language’, as I rarely used the words of my co-poet of the opposite gender, such as ‘onyx eyes’, so the words were fresh to me (and those who do not overdose on poetry). So, in a sense, fresh language was used!
As to the form, that is also rare for me, and note all ideas were either from the source poem or thought of by me, and not copied from any other source.
There was other challenge, that of the poem being ‘hard to read’. The cause for that I believe was that the reader did not capture the tone, and therefore was trying to read the poem too fast, faster than the speed the narrator was narrating in. For example, if the reader is not in a hurry for some reason, the reader will stop and dwell on images like ‘her soul’...
If you read all this, you are brilliant! (not that you have to agree with my analysis!)
and last, here is to all of you rising to challenges rather than simply dismissing them, or worse, getting angry!
Written May 22nd, 2006
In a list
- † Poems from my AP daddy • next in list
- * Scarlet Ambrosia • next in list
- Gothic Romance • next in list
- Vampires, Werewolves, Other Dark Beings • next in list
A contest entry
- To all the people who knows me by Scarlet Ambrosia.
300 points, ended June 7, 2006, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Wow, this is really quite the interesting read. I have not read the companion piece yet, but it was not necessary to get the gist of the poem. I sometimes have a hard time viewing pieces that are laid out so visually, but I think you did a great job balancing visuals and readability. I know that it will probably drive some eyes crazy, but mine seemed to function very well throughout the write.
It was quite the experience the first time through which prompted me to want to read it again, not thinking about the layout. That is always a good sign for me. If there is something about a piece that perks my interest enough to go back through and see what I missed, it is usually a nice experience the second time through as well
In my second read, I basically just read it. I found it vivid and keeping my attention. It reads well aloud too. Personally, I quite enjoy the language you use and the sounds the words make when strung together. The pictures are clear and movie like. In this type of a write, I like the fact that I really didn't have to figure anything out. It didn't tell me what to think, but I was guided through the images as if turning the pages of a book. If this was the page I turned to in a book I was checking out in a bookstore, I would certainly reach in my pocket and cough up the cash to take the book home and read the rest of the story
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Daddy,
I rearead this one i think among all the poems you have written for me this is my favorite!
One tinsy winsy problem .... the font color a a bit hard on the eyes
but other than that
its a GREAT poem
Di
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awe, thanks, Sara, you obviously brought your emotions with you! (the companion piece is by my AP daughter, by the way, who is in our group!)
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groovy
awww, that was so beautiful! I loved every bit of it, very well written and all that imagery, wow lol....great job! good luck in the contesst!
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Thanks for an interesting read, almost like and experience actually. Very creative mind you have there, and certainly a way with words, both writing them and presenting them. ART this is ART .
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thanks, Diablo... hard to read? I'm suspecting it's a speed conflict maybe- as I wrote it speaking veeeery slow...! and thanks for the feedback...
Edited on May 24 because ''. -
only fresh language makes a poem? Please explain... for there are many other elements... and thanks for the feedback, Lamont...
Edited on May 24 because ''. -
Dad!
wow!
this was amazing! Thank you for the wonderful poem! I sure will add this one to the archive of poems you have written for me!
much love !
Di
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a few spots of repetition, but overall the imagery was very good....the poem definitely created a mood, which is my test of the quality of a poem...it created atmosphere, and i felt touched and saddened when i came to the end.
the format of the poem is unique, and adds excitement and tension to the poem...but it is hard to read....so i am still undecided about that ...i'm obvioulsy in the minority.
well done....left me wanting more...
~tryst -
Not bad
Creative typography is nice, but it doesn't make the poem; only fresh language does, and this poem uses alot of cliched and unoriginal language. I enjoyed it to a degree, but it could be a lot better; it could be tightened which would add to the music and some of the overused figures of speech could be removed. But its an interesting effort. -LP -
wow, some extatically tasty imagery here, and I simply could not stop reading till the end. gorgiss!
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wayne each and every time I read your poems, it's like im lost within an egmatic maze though Ive not yet stepped foor inside. More to the point is how uniquely different you are on thinking outside of the norm while keeping that susupense like feeling dripping
{thats a compliment}
Rae -
I lov the way it is written, and the way I can read it and can feel almost everything. great JOb
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This is wonderful and quite sad. I like the way the poem is set up its catching to the eye making u want to read more and more faster and faster. I love the colors with it, it sets the mood. Good Luck in the contest!
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beautiful.. loved it..
quite unusual from you (?)
great form.. works well, and the content is good
best of luck in the contest
im sure you will do welll
jess -
Strong imagery, written with great imagination, punctuation used at the right place to strenthen the emotion. Liked the use of brackets most of all.
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wonderfully dark
beautifully written.. i love dark writes.. typically i'm not particularly fond of the use of special characters and the spacing in the middle of words but you put it to fairly good use here. it does make it a bit hard to read, but it also adds to the feel of the piece. everything flows very well in this write, i love the word choice.. the imagery.. it's all fantastic.. keep up the great work, i just might add you to my favorites after this one.. anyway, great write, best wishes!
~love-music-darkness -
wow, that was so amazing. the type just added a nice, even better effect. this was a beautiful, passionate, wonderful piece of writing. it showed mourning, love, regret, and guilt... yet it all flowed together nicely into one emotion it seemed - it was so real I could feel the pain and hurt.. I loved this so much - keep it up - you're going on my faves definitely!
Monica <3
p.s. this had got to be one of the best pieces of writing i've read all day btw. you're the only one i've applauded to. -
Wow.. that was so amazing. I love the way you typed it, it added more of a dramatic effect.
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And it's so funny that even the dead seem like they're sleeping after all that's happened.
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Wow.
This made me feel so sad. You made the piece so desperate and all the random play on forming the words added to that beautifully. I'm about to go read that other piece now, as well. This was very touching and creepy at the same time. Theend reminded of my nrecophilia? 
Yeah, way to kill the mood, I know, but I have a sick imagination. Anyway, this was lovely. 
-Cory
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sweet; beautiful
this is a really awesome poem it's so desciptive and i loved it so very much it really is a great poem one of my favorites awesome poem i loved it -
WOW this is really good and I totally enjoyed every word that you wrote. I love this poem. Great job.
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I loved the poem Its the sort of thing that not many people can do well. But I didnt like the lay out. But.... the poem made up for it
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Well now I am curious to go read Scarlet Whispers companion piece to this. The imagery and pain in this were stunning! Great write, and good luck.
~Carrie
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A very artistic write. I love how you have arranged it on the page and your use of various punctuation. The content is indeed dark and deeply poetical making good use of imagery. I enjoyed a lot.
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good
a very deep an ddark write my friend with an interesting layout that seems to work very well for this piece, thank you very mush for sharin gthis with us and keep up the good work
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thank you, Toots... your comment- 7 hours ago... and I have tinkered much with it since! Also I believe this piece is standing on the shoulders of my AP daughter's companion piece... and who says life does not play itself out on AP?
Edited on May 23, 6:56 because ''. -
I have to agree with vampira, wbiro - 'tis dark indeed. But it's so well done, that somehow dark is a compliment!
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Yes, this is in response to your AP daughter- (and mine!) Scarlet Whisper! (our Di!)
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Ohh another great write. You are just full of wonderful darkness tonight aren't?
Sound slike me, I have done dark lately as well. I also love the colors you used in this piece.
Hugs and bites, Your Partner in Death.
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