We use to just playing in the streets.
Welcome to the fun times of the summer's heats.
Now eighteen years have come to end.
You leave me as a friend.
This is the time you had always wanted.
The time that mom always had been haunted.
You walk in your cap and gown.
Like a king wearing his crown.
The have called you name.
I cheer you on like at a ballgame.
Don't forget you me.
Even when you are out and free.
I still will need you to my days end.
My big brother, your are also a great friend.
Author notes
This is for my brother, Max. You graduted High School.
Written May 21st, 2006
A contest entry
- Graduation Time by tenshihijimushi.
300 points, ended May 26, 2006, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This is a lovely write about your brother.you can feel the closeness.i liked this piece.well done
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firstly ..best of luck in this contest! For todays purposes, as i prefer to respond to all who have had the kindness to take time and read my work and either comm or applaud, today...as i am SO PRESSED FOR TIME!!!!...i will only be leaving this short note and not a formal review/critique/breakdown. Know that if you have received this, you have achieved the purposes of either, impact, flow, consistency, theme intent, rhyme or free-form structure that was worthy of applause.
Thanks for your understanding ....and for a great read.
All the best............................Lionslove
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This is a wonderful poem!!!! I think this is one of your best poems yet! I see you used the ryhmer! It does help! I just see one tiny little mistake, "Don't forget you me." That is your only mistake and it is very fixable. Good luck in the contest!!
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It's different to see a poem not written about yourself, but about another person who is graduating. Some lines confuse me, such as:
Don't forget you me.
Does that mean "Don't forget me", or "Don't forget you and me"? I like how you put so much emotion into such few lines. Great work and good luck in the contest! -
wow, it is amazing to think that Max is graduating already. Man, it's insane to think I will be in less than two years. Anyways, some suggestions;
"The time mom always had been haunted.
You walk in your cap and gown.
Like your a king wearing his crown.
The have called you name.
I cheer you on like at a ballgame.
Don't forget you me"
The first line doesn't really make sense. It should me more like:
"Here comes the time, which mom has always been haunted."
Always in the line:
Like your a king wearing his crown.
The have called you name.
It should be 'you're'. And You should be 'your'. A very sad and exciting poem at the same time. Wow, time goes by so fast!
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