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Painting brush


Brush in my fingers
moves down the paper swiftly
blooming red rose

Author notes


Written May 20th, 2006

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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  • myron silver member
    May 20, 2006
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    Stuck in my fingers
    moves down the paper swiftly
    a red rose is born


    i think the thing abaout haiku is that we shsow the reader what is hapopeneing in crisp, clear and vivid images. haiku don't have titles, so perhaps you need to move 'painting brush' into your first line. perhaps just the word 'brush' would be enough.

    also you have to be very careful about what your words mean. i'm not sure that 'born' is the best word to use here, as babies are born and art is made.

    the last thing is that adverbs aren't usually used in haiku - as we tend to want to IMPLY things, rather than over-state them. sosmetimes we use an adverb because it means we chose the wrong verb - in this case 'moves'.

    in giving you all this advice, it is important to note that it is very difficult to write good haiku by using the old-fashioned 17 syllable structure. most of the haiku written these days is between around 8-12 syllables.

    for those who want to stick to a strict form - the modern way is to write them in the 3-5-3 syllabic format.

    the reason why 17 syllables is shunned by most good haiku poets is because a poem in 17 syllables written in the english language contains about 30% more information than a haiku written in the japanese language.

    most 17 syllable haiku contain too much padding in order to fit into the structure. poets stick in modifiers like adjectives & adverbs to pad the poem out, & bthis weakens the impact of haiku.

    i hope this is helpful to you,
    myron.


    PS no disrespect is meant to the contest host, who stipulates a preference for the 5.7.5 form.




  • Rikki tickki
    May 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    i like haikus. i like this one. Great job on it! God bless!


  • Dreamy Green Eyes
    May 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Nice job!

    Stuck in my fingers
    moves down the paper swiftly
    a red rose is born

    Very creative piece! I like the imagery used in this haiku... Thanks for sharing your wonderful talent! Best wishes in the contest! Debi