One thousand origami cranes
Could never explore the
Skies,
Just another overdue dream,
Fined heavy reparations,
I have dreamed
With charred arms and chest,
Adorned with
Fresh blisters,
Anesthetic and sleeping pills are
Incapable to
Neutralize the acidic shame slowly,
But surely,
Corroding my
Being
Rancorous barbed wire
Etches
Intricate patterns resembling
A noose, around
This familiar neck
And that's where you'll find me,
Standing in the cemetery
Digging my own grave
To bury such dreams.
Author notes
Sohpomore English Inquiry 4
Anthology
Cute is What We Aim For
Written May 20th, 2006
A contest entry
- I Should Have Won PW Bests by InMyFlames.
430 points, ended January 23, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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very nice work, a great flow which i'm envious of this paragraph is great:
"Rancorous barbed wire
Etches
Intricate patterns resembling
A noose, around
This familiar neck"
such a beautiful description well done -
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Thank you so much for the gold :]
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this weel written thanks for sharing. i like the rhythm and the flow of this. good luck in the contest and keep up the good work.
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2-3
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interesting poem. Confused me a bit, if you would like to give me any further explanation that would be great. The imagery here though was really amazing! I especially liked the stanza,
"And that's where you'll find me,
Standing in the cemetery
Digging my own grave
To bury such dreams"
But if you are able to give me any type of explanation, I would really appreciate it and it would make this poem easier in judging. Thank you so much for entering my contest, and good luck!
Alex -
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Thanks Alex!
The first stanza represents the dream of a better life after a failed attempt that might come true if one thousand cranes are made (based on the Japanese story). However, it's merely just an illusion that is an "overdue dream," a dream left behind in the dust because it will never be fulfilled.
The second and third stanzas depict how life goes on, but the pain and the emotions are always there, etched into my skin, around my familiar neck. Everyday is a reminder of the failure, "acidic shame," but every day is also one step closer to maybe putting that story behind me, "neutralizing" it to contentment with life (the dream).
The fourth and final stanza illustrates me coming to terms with the fact that my dream is gone and all I have are scars and regrets. I can live today, but today is one day, and tomorrow is another. I may find a new dream, but the old one is done with. Reality hits.
I hope that explanation is helpful!
Jen >_<
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I really enjoy the imagery you present here. The morbid, almost masochistic, ideas you present caught my attention, and yet they can also be seen as beautiful in their purpose. My only suggestion is that for every stanza (save for the third, which is terrific), the last word throws me off a bit. In the first stanza, the repetition of "dream" sort of obfuscates the message. I get the sense you're trying to wrap it up with "I have dreamed," but the reiteration of the word is distracting. In the second stanza, I just feel that you could use a better word than "being." You have such vivid wording in the rest of the stanza, I think you could be more specific. Something like "morality" although I know you could come up with something more appropriate. Likewise, "happy" seems a little vague to end with, but I can understand if that's what you're going for... to tie it all up with a bow of simplicity. Nevertheless, good job.
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Very good piece..Emotional...And the way you started it was great...With Origami Cranes...I liked every bit of it...Great job!!!
~^*SARA*^~ -
very good!
Very good piece punksense! Really quite dark too. "Neutralize the acidic shame slowly, but surely, corroding my being". This bit struck me, probably because of the shame I, and most other people carry. We've all got a little bit of shame I reckon. I've probably got bucket loads! LoLs Very vivid in imagery. I love the opening two lines, quite unique. Good luck in the contest! -Emmjay -
Whoa!! I love unexpected twists in poetry, and here we are in this one. Excellent imagery in this, I can see myself in your shoes, for I'm sure many of us have been there. That is one thing that has always gotten me about poetry. There is so much that we can relate to in others, if we just open our eyes and look. Keep up the excellent work!
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stunning
dark and wild with imagery^^ i love it. you bring me from anger to the detph of dispair witha flick of your pen^^ -
great write
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fantastic
wow.. i love how it begins with a reference to the story of the Japanese girl with leukemia who created one thousand cranes to try and get her wish granted. beautifully written, great imagery, the barbed wire noose.. wow.. just great job here.. it seems i'll be giving out a lot of applauses today because i keep reading great works like yours.. such deep emotion! fantastic writing, keep up the great work!
best wishes
~love-music-darkness -
Thumbs Up
Many people hace a past that they would like to bury and you symbolism here brings that out very clearly. Continue on and perservere and life will come your way. -
Wow, this is good. Your a great poet. Emotion was flying everywhere. Visuals are always good but i love how you started the poem off, with a thousand oragmai cranes. I always have a hard time with the beggining.
Autumn
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