Walking in the rain
golf umbrella
four children`s legs beneath ~
one for my album
revising
four children`s legs
under the golf umbrella ~
rain on camera lens
Author notes
Rain or tears, I am not sure
Written May 20th, 2006
A contest entry
- Haiku Contest (Results being corrected-- This contest is closed. ) by Dreamy Green Eyes.
300 points, ended May 27, 2006, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I actually like both of these..but the revision I guess works better. You have a talent for pulling together nice haiku...keep up the good work.
LIZ -
Very interesting haiku. It is wonderful to read the form of haiku. Great job and keep up the Fabulous writing!!!!
~Horsecowgirl~
Edited on Jun 03, 8:52 because ''. -
Many thanks Dreamy green eyes.
-
Thank you Myron see you instructed me well, I remembered all
you told me. I read Debi`s comments and when I looked at
it again the mistakes shone out.
I think I may be one step off the bottom now
Thanks
Dixie -
four children`s legs
under golf umbrella ~
rain on camera lens
Hi Dixie - i read your original haiku but didn't leave a comment on it because i thought it was a little clumsy. so what a wonderful surprise to come back today & find this excellent revision.
- the images are now clear & vivid.
- you have a good clean break in the syntax at the end of the second line (which is an important rule in haiku writing).
- & you got rid of the title which is good, as haiku don't have titles.
PS i enjoyed reading the comments left by dennis & Barefoot.
all the very best in the contest,
myron. -
NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEHEHEHEHE
SOMEONE'S BEEN IN THE MOOOD FOR HAIKU
HEHEHEHE
ANYWAYS,THE REVISION IS SO MUCH BETTER...SIMPLER THAN THE FIRST ONE
I LUVED IT SOOOOOOO MUCH DIXIE
HOPE IT WINS DEAR
MAYOUSH
PS: THE TOPIC...THE RAIN...WELL U DID A GOOD CHOICE THERE ...LIKE ALWAYS...HEHEHE
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The revision is a step forward. well done on capturing an image being captured... I hope just for the family photo album... but this could be a magazine shoot. Its nice that the haiku creates enough to work with while alowing enough room for interpretation. well done.
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great haiku
Dixie, Good start, but I like the revision so much better. You have put the all the elements together to make it a great haiku. Well Done.
Dennis
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This is awsome! great write
~Candi -
I liked your poem before the revision but wasn't really sure on the meaning. After the revision the picture (hehe...excuse the pun!) became alot more clear! Nicely done and good luck!
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Thanks for your comments Debi.
revising ... -
Great effort!
Walking in the rain
golf umbrella
four children`s legs beneath ~
one for my album
I think you have a good starting point with this haiku... You have some great images portrayed here, but I think you could enhance it even further... Just an opinion though... Good haiku... Thanks for sharing your talent... Best of wishes in the contest!
Debi
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i'm not quite sure what this means but it sounds good
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ok... wired!
good though
-hannah
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