Psyche watched from behind blue eyes
as Flesh stared at the mirror,
the look upon the face was grim,
the heart was filled with fear.
(Psyche)
Please tell me what is wrong my friend
and why that bitter smile,
let's see if we can cheer you up,
converse with me awhile.
(Flesh)
Oh Psyche dear, what can I say,
I'm not the man I was.
My life is catching up with me,
you know the way it does.
My hair is gray as you can see,
my teeth are falling out,
it's getting harder every day
for me to move about.
My eyes are growing dimmer,
I fear I have no hope.
The earth is calling me to rest,
I'm not sure if I can cope.
(Psyche)
I know your woes are many
from the cradle to the grave,
you've put your faith in science
your body for to save.
(Flesh)
Psyche dear, my sophic friend,
on you I can rely,
please impart to me some speech
to save me lest I die.
(Psyche)
What can I say, companion dear,
that will stem the rising tide,
I've always thought of you a friend
and to you I've never lied.
You're at the point where life's downhill,
the ride will be quite fast,
but I'll be with you till the end
when they come for you at last.
On that day I'll mourn for you
and I will feel much sorrow.
You'll return to mother earth
but I will live to see tomorrow.
'Tis for me that you were born
to carry me on my way,
you are for me a vehicle,
one moulded from the clay.
I will not say that life is fair
though it is ordained of God.
Yes, I shall see the glory,
but you shall press the sod.
Let's end this talk my fretful friend
and chase away these blues.
Look, the sun is shining bright,
the day breaks fresh and new.
We both know that the day will come
and I'll hold your hand till then,
so do not fear, but persevere,
my very special friend.
Grizzled
Author notes
Transatlanticism
A contest entry
- Quality Tour 2006 by AbortMe.
375 points, ended June 24, 2006, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Something Different! by Trent plus pen.
800 points, ended August 19, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Thank you Trent, I appreciate your words. Thanks for a quality contest.
Grizzled -
Friggen brilliant!
The conversational tone is pulled off to perfection, and the story behind the poem is as different as it is entertaining.
It is very rare a 78 line poem will hold my attention as this has!
Tremendous write!
Goodluck in my contest!
Trent
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Thanks for reading and for the comments, it is appreciated.
Grizzled -
What a fabulous piece! Just love this!
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wanted-charity,
Thank you very much for reading the poem and for taking the time to comment. It is appreciated. You're certainly not stupid for not understanding some of the words. I deliberately wanted to give this poem and old time feel to it so I used some obscure medical terms. Saprodontia, abasia and athetosis refer back to the ailments in verse 4. I am also a fan of rhymes although I write in free verse too. Thank you again for reading.
Grizzled
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Sorry, I'm a fourteen year old and I didn't understand a lot of the really big words (maybe i'm just stupid?). But I was really shocked coz that didn't make the poem sound any worse. I really like how smoothly the whole thing was tied together. The rhymes were great! (rhyme addict here)
. And I LUVD the whole concept behind it. Mind and body conversing...wow.
~Thnk u.
-
pyropoetic,
Yes, it seemed a tad on the long side to me as well...I had thought about deleting this verse of old maladies:
"Saprodontia can be bad
and abasia is much worse,
athetosis in your hands
may well bring on the hearse."
But I was going for an older feel to this poem and left them in, who knows. Thank you for reading and for your thoughts.
Grizzled
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TestedMettle,
Thank you for your thorough critique of my poem. I appreciate the time and effort you spent in both reading and replying. You don't often see that on most of these poetry sites. Psyche refers to the mind in this instance, although in reality one might argue that psyche is very closely related to the soul. Again, my thanks for your time and for your suggestions.
Grizzled
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This poem read like many I have come across in quality anthologies, so I say that as a compliment. It was enjoyable to read and reread. I wish it could have been a bit shorter, but then again, I wouldn't know what to cut, if anything. This may be because it's late, I'm tired, and I have to be up early. But I didn't want to go to bed without saying, Great job!
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Thanks for sharing. This is a nice piece. I love the concept of a conversation between mind and body.
I think you have a strongly defined character for the Flesh, but I feel like the character of Psyche could be defined further.
As a reader I was confused, is the Psyche the mind or the soul?
If it is the mind, you may wish to consider the likelyhood of a decaying memory and inevitable senile dimensia. My Grandmother suffered from Alzheimer's Disease, and for her, the mind or psyche gave out far before her body.
If it is the soul, you might want to consider making the exchange between the two parties less direct. (i.e. - Dear Psyche..., ...companion dear...) After all, if we could contact our immortal souls and be assured of their existance we would have no fear of death. Perhaps this conversation between psyche and flesh allows for an acceptance of an inevitable death.
Overall this is a nice piece, with a great flow and a solid structure. I think with a bit more definition to your individual characters and the world in which they seek to converse you will have some really great work.
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