It's disgusting, conversing.
This shabby shadow doesn't listen
(shouting shaking shoutingshakingshouting
sssshhhhhhameless impression
aimless depression
nameless expressionnnnnn)STOP
Conversing with 10 feet of cement. It's no good.
It's no easy feat to call the lament, to
determine the cause and
describe the intent.
(It's all over. She's all over allover alloveralover a lover a… )
And it's not easily beat, this need to repent.
(feeble attempt, she'll never never never never…)
It's (dis)gusting, (con)versing with the rusty reflection
and the faeces
and the faces, dusty and dej(ected)
(she must muster lust,
she's lost the lustre, lost the painter lover hater)
I've lost my health.
I once played piano, (she-)
I mean… well, it's nauseating, is what it is.
It's disgusting.
(who she is.)
Author notes
de(tached)
Written May 19th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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pee. ess.
could i please place this in my collection of poems here on allpoetry?
Edited on May 24, 6:30 p.m. because ''. -
ah, jeez. this is beautiful. this really put me in a trance. the rhythm is intense. seriously. it may sound like i'm exaggerating, but i'm honestly not. it made my heart speed up and it gave this rush of energy.
let's marry
Edited on May 24, 6:32 p.m. because ''. -
fun piece, one thing i'd reccomend, STOP
use this. it was cool (especially if you read this as performance)
after the parenthetical rants "over&over&over, all over all over a lover" et.al, continuse this satori of whats going on that you step outside of the words outside of the situation and just yell STOP
thats powerful
like watching a schizo in an IHOP.
don't over use the STOP, but definately use it more than once.
i suggest where your first one is, the second would work nicely after
"(It's all over. She's all over allover alloveralover a lover and…and...)
And it's not easily beat, this need to repent.
(feeble attempt, she'll never never never never never never never…)STOP"
adding the extra "ands" keep the rythm (ps, i loved the need to repent, feeble attempt...perfectly rythmically speaking, do you read out? if not, you needs to find some poetry readings, nice internal rhymes fitting with the rythm, i'm sure you do.) same with the extra never, it may at first seem a bit repititious, but in retrospect it is the rant of someone pushed over the edge, on the verge of insanity at the whole of it all!
a third place would be after "(she-) STOP
i mean..."
the "must muter lost the lustre" part i don't think needs to be paranthetical...its a much more cogent rant, works with the common speech parts of the poem.
wonderful write, sucked mein actually...i just kind of threw in the STOPS when i read it, cause thats what i heard.
keep up the good work.
let me know if you agree with the STOP suggestion, just curious as to where this poem will go.
Edited on May 22, 7:00 because 'forgot to add something'. -
Thank you very much, dear
Mellor x -
thanks for the suggestion, I appreciate your honesty (just can't stand comments that suck up, dishonestly
)
But I think I will leave it as it is, because that line,
"And it's not easily beat, this need to repent."
follows the same rhyme as
"It's no easy feat to call the lament,"
and I feel it suits a matching to that rhythm scheme better, myself.
Also, the change in meaning would end up irritating me.
but I do, honestly, appreciate your suggestion.
thank you
Mellor x -
The only part I have suggestion for is this:
And it's not easily beat, this need to repent.
(feeble attempt, she'll never never never never…)
What about, "And it's not easily beat, this need to repeat".
It changes the meaning of that section, though. The reason I suggest this is because of the rhythm that's been set up from line one. I am expecting a word-play and a certain inner-rhyme. Changing that rhythm right here doesn't work. It does in the next lines and that's fine.
I like this. It's not something I'd normally read- but it's got a great tone and an even better rhythm and it is FUN to read out loud.
Hope that helped. -
wonderful
I was going to applaude and just slink away, but I reckon this poem deserves so much more than that. I don't really want fragment this and applaude each element individually, because its the full piece that makes this.
Hmm, I don't have much criticism, only praise - which never leaves a long comment. I really really loved this piece, I hope you can see that, I guess thats all I wanted to say, oh and keep writing, always.
This is such a beautiful rugged piece.
--steph -
ok im going to be all diplamatic here...this is um..different..from she and you or me..confusing but a beautiful kind of confusing..i liked the st out and i would like to be posh and describe each line but i cant except from the piano bit and you still play piano dont you..this poem is about you yeah..this sounds more like me hah...xxx
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Wow, a bit confusing, but i liked it great write
Edited on May 19, 10:23 because 'spelling'.
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