Bis interimitur qui suis armis perit
~He is doubly destroyed who perishes by his own arms~
White tiled bathroom
Sink with pink water
And writing on the walls
That was never really there.
They don't make them long enough these days.
A Clipboard - Notes.
Patient expressed a fear of heights -
A fear of walking back down.
Age 14, swallowed 100 paracetamol.
Acidic urine, vomiting,
Evaded death.
History of self harm.
Diagnosis? Socially unacceptable.
January - started on Cipralex, 10mg.
Doctor saw fit to ignore the age restrictions.
Overactive brain, paranoia.
Attempted suicide.
Hospitalisation - The Alpha curse.
March - approaching 17 - Mirtazepine. 15 mg. 6 pm, every night
Patient seems stable yet agitated.
Increased emotional trauma leads to risk of sectioning.
Patient is informed, but may not see the doctor.
March 11th. Patient has sat in same chair all day
Refused lunch.
11am, walked entire length of downstairs.
Complained that 'red lights' on the doors restricted her.
Attempts to read, is comforted by others.
Smell of the male patient who has not washed in 4 months puts her off dinner.
6pm - took medicine again. Still will not look at staff.
Received a phone call, reduced to sobbing on floor.
Went to bed quietly.
Patients are reminded to lock their doors -
newly admitted patient wishes to kill non-believers.
Died internally in sleep.
March 12th - seemed uplifted until dinner
Refusal to eat or participate.
Does not seem in touch with the real world.
Has seen the sense to avoid makeup.
Staff not overly concerned, are preoccupied with the man who thinks he is Jesus.
April - patient is home.
Expressed overwhelming signs of emotional distress
Claims the hospital was killing her.
Attempts to reconcile with the real world seem promising.
School unwilling to accept a patient in mental meltdown.
June - Patient removed herself from medication, due to
Weight gain, unexplainable seizures.
Patient admitted for further scans.
Diagnosis: Pseudoseizures.
unpreventable.
Another kick in the bollocks.
January - Sleeping pattern overly disturbed.
Admits to thinking death is sitting in the shadows.
Suffers from sexual neglect.
Specialist deems sleep problem uncontrollable.
March - self harm has resumed.
April - patient admitted to casualty several times on account
of serious self inflicted lacerations
Suicide attempts resume.
Patient threatens to end life if hospital is mentioned.
Attempts made to find a medication which does not cause
suicidal tendencies, to prevent suicidal tendencies.
Drugs offered to shut off brain function at night.
May - Patient refuses treatment on grounds that
medical staff see her as a statistic
Feels god has forsaken her.
Patient waits to be abandoned by the system given
She is 18. Further decline.
Patient admits to finding a sexual partner which has brought back some feeling.
Graphic struggle while attempting to remove blades.
Emotional state declined,
Patient becomes hardened and harassed.
July - Patient found empty of blood, and life.
Note left reads "i died in my sleep"
And who gives a shit?
Rest in peace sanity
Rest in peace depravity
Rest in peace a logical death
Author notes
a collection of various events, from someone i know intimately.
Written May 17th, 2006
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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that was really interesting. kept me reading from start to finish. very powerful. the tone..even scary at times. very original. nicely done. was well worth the read. enjoyed!
blu -
omg
*cries*
i agree with all that *dewdrop* says...and i wish i could do stuff 4u...(i am still so sorry about upsetting u yesterday....
sorry..)
critically:
this is UNBELIEAVBABLY effective -
Died internally in sleep
(i assume the style of this was inspired a lot by 4.48 Psychosis..u r a fantastic writer..actually..should publish ur works...altho maybe they r too personal?..but i think other people going through things like this would like to read things to know that they are not alone..to be honest it could b more effective than all the counselling and drugs in the world...)
when summarised like this, it all seems so awful..well, it did anyway, but i mean..its so much..i couldn't even begin to comprehend what it must be like..probably why i am not very good at understanding..tho i promise to try...
i know u hav many people who understand better than me, (there r soo soo many who care so much!) and have been there 4 the reeeally hard times, but im still here, if u need a reserve! u have enough i would say..but if u need yet another, lol, im here....
anyway, this poem is scary, and scarily good...
i love u so much - lori xxx
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So powerful, it actually made me cry...and that's a good thing. It's painful to read, so clinical and charged with emotion, but the emotion is strangely calm.
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thankyou so much for the wonderful comment.
glad that you took something away from this. that was the intent. -
Wow... strong... truthful... stunning in its own way... reminds me of my past... Keep up the wonderful writing
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At this point I dont know what to say other than everytime I read your work you take me higher and higher in a climax that I now know if sky's the Limit..keep up the great work love and take care
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Forgot to applaud after all that!
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First, heres some bits of the poem that I really liked: 'Diagnosis? Socially unacceptable'. Shows how they think of the patient as a problem, a blemish on their perfect little world, to be sorted out or hidden away. Also 'Still will not look at staff' I thought might be some hint at feelings of shame about the whole thing - you never need to feel like that. When you're the just another patient in the queue, remember that I will always put you first if you need anything, if there's anything I can do.
And I like these lines: 'Attempts to reconcile with the real world seem promising.
School unwilling to accept a patient in mental meltdown'. I know my problem isn't really even comparable to this, but there have been so many times when I've thought I was sorted - on the way to reconciliation and it's all gone wrong. Love the mention of the school as well. Shows how little they supported you - more concerned about themselves, ruled by a fear that they couldn't control you.
I've learnt some new things about you in this poem too. I like sense of openness (though I get the feeling there's plently more to write), the refusal to be shamed into keeping it quiet. I think you really got across the torment of being just a statistic, a body to be drugged up and analysed.
Don't really have anything more to say, other than don't be afraid to ask me for help - whatever, whenever. I will try to understand.
Love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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i'm glad you agree. putting us on drugs and sticking us in a hospital seems to be the only way of dealing with mentally troubled people.
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i totally agree with you. did you ever read my post 1-900-anxiety? the mental health system is a farce. they get kick backs from drug companies for putting ppl on anti-depressants. in my opinion, teens today are just being teens. by treating children like human guinea pigs just because parents arent accoutable is pathetic, and only furthers the angst to the degree of self destruction.
from my experience, and espcially from dealing with a lot of the kids here. a good old fashion hug goes a long ways.
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very effctive
kinda difficult to comment on as I guess you can appreciate.
It's the clinical detatchment thats so affecting.
i guess it is in part for tomorrow?
I give a shit (metaphorically)
Dan xxx -
Mental illness happens to people of all ages - I know people of all ages who suffer from it. And i know myself that sometimes illness prevents logic from winning.
teenagers are more likely to suffer because their hormones leave them open to such confusion and horrendous images. BUt i feel this poem is applicable to anyone, of any age. It is deliberatly "sanitised" not only to satire the terrible state of our mental health system, but also to prevent excessive personalisation.
I'm afraid that the issue of suicide is a tricky one, which no body could hope to understand if they had not been there at some point. SOmetimes u can't get through becoz the problem is with the way the person is thinknig - they are not capable of common sense.
That u have a happy life ahead of u, u should b greatful. it is achievable by all. this poem is a tribute to thsoe people who currently or in the past have not been so lucky.
I would defend this poem by stating is is as much about genuine mental health and the system, as it is about suicide and cutting - they are the biproducts, after all. -
this is really good. you touch on a lot of different things here and the inclusion of the "clipboard" says alot about kids, ppl and society today and how we diagnose, treat and even emphaize of lack of empathy these days.
the world has lost its accoutablity for its actions. it has transferred down to faimlys. its easier to put our children on dope than it is to love them.
how fucked up is that?
and its created a vicious circle, that teens today are afraid to trust. which in all honesty, i find totally understandable. i think we need to put more parents on dope and not their children. but then again, most of them already are.
suicide and cutting are hot topics on this site. alot of sites on the web will not allow it. a guy i work with, he is 32, he used to cut. now here is a grown man in my opinion. who used to cut. so i realize cutting is not just limited to teenagers.
i could tell you so many stories. about ppl i personally know who commited or tried suicide. and i know personally several kids on this site who have, my own ap daughters. one of which i learned recently attempted suicide again that she was institutionalized.
im not sure how i put it to her, but it was like, how would you feel that you hurt me by commiting suicide. that did it matter to you to think about that. that mayb she thought she was escaping or hurting the ppl who hurt her but in the long run, all she was doing was hurting the ppl who loved her.
when you get to be my age, trust me. you dont think about suicide. because you realize how precious life is. how short life is. you dont get second chances. suicide isnt a second chance. its a cop out.
i ko, cuz i tried it once when i was a teen.
im glad im still here. and for whatever crap ive had to go through to get here im a stronger person because of it. i do not know how to imply this on ppl to the degree it gets through.
and you cant save ppl who dont want to save themselves.
sometimes its harder to live than it is to die. but if it was easy they wouldnt call it life, they'd call it something like a cake walk i dont kno.
if im lucky, i prob got thirty good years left in me. im going to make the best of them. and for the teens, you have an entire lifetime ahead of you. i wish i had that. and i know plenty of ppl with less time than that.
very stirring emotional write. obviously.
but thats the point.
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thankyou so very much
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And who gives a shit?
Rest in peace sanity
Rest in peace depravity
Rest in peace a logical death
brilliantly origional and expertly handled piece of work
I absolutely adored this, wonderfully dark, especially the use of the colours and the imagery that both you used visually and in your writing. Expertly done
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