Waiting in this waiting room for patients with no patience.
Sitting in this wheelchair, nodding into hallucinations.
Practically dreaming, yet practically awake...
And always jolted by a twitch of the nervous shake.
Stunning and disturbing just like a violin.
I see a skeleton boy, and boy did he look thin.
Something striking and unnerving about his shook expression.
Like an endless fall of silence to the note of his depression.
Waiting while he's passing, so carefully he walks.
And to conceal the squeaking floors, cautiously he talks.
About an empty paper, he was sick of writing lines.
So he began to cut them, wrists with red designs.
I watched him walk away, Down the hollow hall.
While he gripped onto his mom, fearing he would fall.
Bandages for bracelets, and a paper bag.
Corporate happiness, labeled with a tag.
Desperate for desire for death to deepen out.
Into canyons made of flesh where terror loves to shout.
And crazy visions plague the brain just like a hit and run.
Watch him turn the corner, realised yet still undone...
Snapping back and shaking, underneath a sheet.
Question if what I saw was just the minds deceit.
To see a kid so stricken with thoughts of, "self-destroy".
While I continue to wait, like the hospital boy...
Author notes
Hospital Waiting............
All Comments Will Be Applauded...
Written May 17th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
-
Gosh!
The profound depth in this has me maraveling at the page as my mind boggles from the raw imagery you penned and created in this.
An amazing piece of poetry!
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
-
EXCELLENT -- Brilliiant
What a treat, such a Great Poem. It grabs me, especially this verse:
"Waiting while he's passing, so carefully he walks.
And to conceal the squeaking floors, cautiously he talks...
About an empty paper... He was sick of writing lines...
So he began to cut them... Wrists with red designs."
I love this poem, one of your best. (They all are good.)
-----------
-
rhynoc, I really picked this piece because of the title and I do infact like the the feel of hleter skelter, pall mall feeling of everything being jumbled and mixed up. not that it was hard to follow but I think you intended this to how someone on the inside of insane (trapped in a hospitl) feels? Image and Visions
-
wow. it's really, sensetive in a way. hard to explain how it made me feel - and that's generally a good sign <3
-
Brilliant
I just think this is fantastic. Great use of imagery and I loved the flow and rhyme. I think you have a great talent. Well done and keep up the good work. -
hmm...very interesting concept there...love the rhyming...dont see the style very often..some of the lines and stanzas were long but overall good job...good flow...keep going
-
I feel at times you struggle to get comfortable with the aabb rhyme scheme you've chosen. Two examples are,
"Stunning and disturbing just like a violin...
I see a skeleton boy, and boy did he look thin."
The 'skeleton' in the first half of the second line already tells us about the boys weight. Making the subsequent 'thin' redundant. It seems odd to take the extreme of the skeleton and then reflect he was thin. You can't get much thinner than a skeleton, so this line strukc me as weak.
"To see a kid so stricken with thoughts of self destroy.
While I continue to wait, like the hospital boy..."
The first line I've extracted here seems grammatically wrong. The boy is struck with thoughts of 'self destruction, not 'self destroy'. As in the previous lines I've extracted I think this an example of places you've forced your language into unnatural positions to stick to the rhyming scheme you've chosen.
I'd also query your use of elipses, they are too many and don't really do what elipses are meant to do. Personally I would avoid using any elipses, but I'm quite pedantic like that, I don't like using questions in poetry either. I want to challenge my readers with the words I use, not by dropping in puncuation that asks rhetorical questions of leaves them to figure out the alternatives. Still if you want to use elipses then fine, but have a look at what they're meant to do as some of your usage of them seems very confused.
-
awesome write
A powerful write
Deep, emotions in the right place
Honesty in it's fullest
Excellent work
It flows great and I like your use of words
Keep it up always
Stay safe -
Wow, clever idea for a poem. I really like this piece, my brother can relate to this so well. I remember what it was like waiting for my brother in the hospital. Keep up the great work and keep on writing!
-
That was awesome! It definatly WASN'T what I was expecting to read. When I first started reading this, I didn't like it. But as I kept reading, I just got more and more into it, so I think you did an excellent job with that. But the line "Sitting in this waiting room for patients with no patience.." (first line) didn't make sense to me, it made it seem as if we were from the perspective of a doctor ('waiting for patients'), then later on it just seems as if it's another patient watching the boy. But other than that, I really liked it.
-
Gah, I'm afraid I must applaud this.
Don't get used to it, this was just really good.
Great flow, theme, rhyme, etc. I could go on forever (or, at least, longer than I care to take time on).
Great write. -
Awesome!!!!!!!!!
HOLY COW can you paint an image whoooo I love this and it deserves applause itself this was magnificiant it sent chills down my spill as I saw it come to life...I could see the boy walking down the hollow halls and the bandages for his slit wrists...just everything...I also loved the flow perfect rhyme and metaphors what an excellent poem to choose to feature
-
amazing. the poem was deep and meaningful and written so beautifully with emotion oozing from it. id like to pick a favourite line but its all so gorgeous! keep writing!
wow -
Incredible
Incredible poem you have here. The vivid imagry mixed with the emotion of the boy. You can almost see his depression, thats how vivid it is. I love this kind of poem, keep writing so I can keep reading. -
Amazing! This was very sad and dark. Your imagery was incredible. As I could picture this poor boy waiting in the stark white halls of the hospital. Your flow was excellent as you didn't miss a beat. Well done on this.
-
wow what a tail of woe, to often these things are true and its very sad , you have written this very well great imagery and keep up the good work
-
good job
This was a good read. My only problem is that the line "Like a endless fall" should be "Like an endless fall." But that's just me. Other than that, the rhyme scheme is wonderful, as is the imagery. The entire idea of this poem is great. Observations are one of my favorite things to write about, no matter if they existed or were just a thought in my head. Eh, now I'm just rambling, so good work, I'll probably read more of your pieces.
-
Marvelous!
This was an amazing poem! It flowed so smoothly and I really enjoyed reading it. You have a talent with words my friend and you should never let go of that. Keep up the amazing work and I hope to read more from you soon. <3 -
I am so glad I clicked on this piece. It is a great poem. It is something that we all see every day, whethere it is at a hospital, down the streeet, we see it. Sometimes, it is not a boy at all that is sick, it is the boy in us. I see grown men and women that stumble and them fall like rain drops. It has become a normal thing or a common thing. I like the picture you paint there. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing it as well. You have a faboulous day and may God continue to give you great vision to write more and more. Take care and God bless...
-
very good
aan exelent piece of work my friend and i thank you for sharing this with us, keep up the good work and good luck in the contest
-
Thanks for the entry. i will keep an eye on it. i liked the poem keep up the good work
-
No need to applaud my comment. I just wanted to say that I think it is very interesting to write your observations. People watching can be amazing, can't it?
-
very nicely written. Original and it had a very good flow of the words. Some big words, which fit the idea and other words perfectly. Good job on this poem.
-
Thumbs Up
You have succeeded in painting a very vivid picture with your use of words. That is what every poet hopes to be able to do and you have done it well in the piece. -
This is a quite chilling piece. It's nice to get these in once in awhile!
The detail you put in made this all so real and therefore very easy to enjoyl. Great job.
amanda -
good rhyme to this
the hospital boy and the author seem to be one and the same to me. you've touched on a few ways people can slowly kill themselves. very down to earth write
-
wow well your talented. that doesnt happen to many people, you express your feelings so clearly and you understand everything completely like you are there watching him. great job keep up the good work i cant wait to see more work from you!
-
You have a gift for rhyme!
I loved the tone of this poem, dark,very raw, but with form. -
I'm usually not one for blatantly spelled out depressive poetry, but I think you did it with eloquence that I don't often see. Good write indeed.
-
Very nicely done! This poem portrays the gloomy feeling of the hospitals. Good flow...I really enjoyed this piece
-
You have done it well. It flows, the rhymes sound perfect, you have an ear for them and could have made them more eccentric. The last but one stanza has very powerful images, esp. the "canyons of flesh"!
-
Your gifted...
Thanks for stimulating our minds with this very well done write. Kirk -
this is very sad and heart wrenching. this was a wonderful write. i only caught a few mistakes:
Sitting in this waiting room for patients with no patients.
maybe you meant:
Patients with no patience.
and this one i wasn't to sure about:
...Something striking and unnerving about his shook expression.
maybe it was supposed to be:
about his shocked expression??
Those are just my thoughts. leave them though if they are supposed to be like tht...minor details really. awesome write though! i really enjoyed it your emotion and imagery was brought forth perfectly!
~Sorrow~ -
I watched him walk away... Down the hollow hall.
While he gripped onto his mom, fearing he would fall...
Bandages for bracelets... And a paper bag.
Corporate happiness... Labeled with a tag.
Wow. Happiness being labled. That is how it is in a hosptal no matter what side you are on, doctors/nurses or patients/family.
Katie
-
this was stunning. aside from a few typos this was perfect. ur ideas in this r so original, i .. wow. this really was breath taking.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
-
This is so gripping and chilling. ANd so very, very sad.
the emotion is expressed expertly.
Pinkx -
this is very sad, is the poem about you, i can see myself in this poem about 5 years ago, my life has gotten better, due to turning my life over to god, so if it got better for me, it will get bettwer for you, if it's about you. thanks for sharing this, it's a reminder of how far i've come!!
-
very interesting write. Your imagery was so vivid. Fabulously written, I must say. great job indeed.
~*~Austyn~*~ -
I have suffered with depression for 11 years and the feelings and images you have written about I can relate to ...the only one I can't is actually being in hospital...but if I need to go there some day I will and I will never feel ashamed of doing so.
This is well written and indeed a pleasure to read..well done xx -
This is such a sad poem about such a terrible situation to be in and i think the poem really gets this across. What drew me in was the lovely pun in the first line,
"for patients with no patients."
And then again the one on boy. A nice touch of humour to such a gloomy topic, almost makes it more poignant.
And some of the description created wonderful images that made me feel like i was seeing what this boy can see. I think it is an intelligent, important piece of writing so well done,
Mim x -
wow thats really good in a depressed kind of way but its really good i like it
Adding your comment:
1 - 41 of 41
