I watch translucent beams from the lighthouse
outshine the moon.
While blowing smoke rings...
I wish for a keyhole to peek
into the jewel box of your imagination.
With magnifying glass,
I want to examine your brain coral.
Would I find a full spectrum of oceanic life inside?
Seahorses, and jellyfish
floating by as I peer in?
Narwhales hunting with harpoon like snouts,
looking for a morsel through swiss cheese matter?
Reaching me on vibrations of cool sea air,
the foghorn blats in a doleful tone.
It brings me back from my musing
and I giggle at the thought
of a sea life microcosm in your head.
I listen to the waves ripple ashore,
glimpsing the inky ocean
as the searchlight makes a sweep.
I watch the skies looking in vain
for the distant milky way
then silently head home to you.
Author notes
Written May 15th, 2006 by hoodoolover
A contest entry
- Pre-Writes from my Faves!!!! by PerfectImperfection.
675 points, ended August 19, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Great use of imagery here, a beautifully described depth of imagination to thought. I am indeed suprised that this is one I never had the pleasure to read. Well penned. Thank you for entering!
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Thank you very much Danna, I have taken your very good advice and applied it to this piece, thanks so much
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I like this. You have nice imagery. The only thing I can really criticize is your use of present participles (words that end with ING). They are passive. The action verb is almost always better. For example:
outshine the moon
Seahorses, and jellyfish
float as I peer in?
It is especially obvious when you use two in a row as in the lines below:
I sit blowing smoke rings....
wishing I had a keyhole,
It would be stronger if you reworded it to avoid one of the present participles:
I sit and blow smoke rings,
wishing I had a keyhole
or
I sit blowing smoke rings
and wish I had a keyhole
The below stanza does not flow as well as the rest of the poem.
With magnifying glass,
I would examine your gray matter,
knowing it would be eerily reminiscent
of brain coral.
Why not make it a metaphor instead of a simile?
I would examine your brain coral. -
Thanks so much Tia, you are much too kind , make my head swell if you don't stop, LOL!
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Thank you pixxie
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Thanks very much Playful Catgirl, I am pleased you were able to visualize this scene here. Thanks for hosting the contest and have a great time with your judging
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Outstanding
This was a breath of fresh air to read and a nice vision of sitting on the beach at night in reflection feeling that salty air hitting my face and running through my hair. I was there!! I have sat on many a beach so you made it sooooo easy to picture the essence of this fabulous write! This has such an eloquent touch in the write. It carries you through on a breeze and lets you inhale the beautiful vivid words to complete your picture! Thanks for a beautiful read tonight, just love reading your talented work! This was my pleasure to read!
~Tia
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WOnderful!
This is amazing! You always seem to capture the very essence of a scene, a place, a face, a moment, a time! I love how this poem envelopes you, and pulls you into a world your very own! Love your work! All smiles, and *hugs*!
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Superb/Fun/Intriguing/Unique
A very good write indeed, with excellant imagery. -
Your poem is so descriptive. "I listen to the waves ripple ashore,
only able to see the ink black ocean
as the searchlight sweeps past." Simply incredible. It's amazing to know that you were inspired to write this by the lighthouse option. Good luck in the contest! --->pixxie<---
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Wow I love it. I sit blowing smoke rings....wishing I had a keyhole, into the jewel box of your imagination I love that line I could just see a person sitting idly lost in thought as the watch the waters form a lone lighthouse. Very well done this is very much what I wanted with the lighthouse option. Really well done. Best of luck in the contest. And thanks for entering.
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ok it looks like i will have enough points for a peoples choice award so please choose one of your competitors and send me an im to cast your vote
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Actually, I am torn between the two as well, eeeek, this one does have some great images, good thing I am not judging this, lol. And if you do feel like reading some more stuff of mine, let me know and I shall make some suggestions, some of the stuff is just stuff, others are rather inspired,
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I am sorry I put you "off" with the swiss cheese line, lol. I appreciate your comment, and I am trying to answer your question, I like the feel of this one, for sure, the other one was extremely difficult, but with the help of your suggestions, I quite like it now too. If forced to pick one, I would say the Lento, because it is a new form I was struggling with and it finally got to the point where I like it. This one I feel could use a little more revision, perhaps the swiss cheese line was too much, so I say the Lento. This has been a really good contest, you have placed quite a challenge I believe, I am sure you are having a loads of fun reading the entries this inspired, thanks again for holding this.
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wishing I had a keyhole,
into the jewel box of your imagination.wow this line is so wonderful. i think its deep and very romantic. i think any one who wants to look at the pearls of my imagination in this way would win my heart. i think this is like the way you should feel about your muse, love of your life, or some one who just inspires you to think on something deeper. if my works have this effect on you than thank you very much as this is a sweet complement. ok ok i know this isnt necicarrily about me but i felt i could just plug myself into the musings you led me on. imagined sitting on the beach listening to your musings and thinking this an interesting tale and how whimisacal it is. this appeals very much to my child like nature of loving a good tale to be told to me. but its a profound statement even outside of all the things it makes me feel. i think its a good idea.
this Swiss cheese like substance. this line made me think ick... and churned my stomach a little nice visual. that is not how i was pituring it until you droped it on me like a suprise. i was actually seeing the ocean with its coral reef not the fish swimming around my brain but this is very clever and amusing.
comes the
fog horn, a melancholy droning. this is so the way i feel about fog horns, but dont you just love to hear them? to me there is something otherworldly and interesting about that low drowning sound. i love it! this fit perfectly into your musings in this poem, and adds a depths of texture and vibration since they are felt as much as heard. i like this part very much.
I giggle at the thought
of a sea life microcosm in your head. this made me smile too so i guess that your not the only one giggling. as i can see how silly this musing of fish in my head is. and yet sometimes its so the way it is... you know ideas being fish all swimming around my gray matter as you put it. this gave this poem a child like whimsy that suits me prfectly.
i am cerious which of the poems you entered do you like better? i am haveing a hard time picking a favorite between the two. judging them solely against each other. as when i enter two poems into a contest i think of them as competeing against only each other. i think both of the poems you wrote here are very good and i like them both equally. you are a poet i would love to read more of. i am very glad to know that my compitition impressed you enough to kick your muse more than once. this must mean i have done a good contest. lol. any way please let me know which poem you favor and why, as i would like to see what you think of your two competeing poems. good luck in the contest again and again thank you for entering.
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