It’s raining, mud puddles are digging deep,
stretching their lips to sip from a barren earth.
I’m waiting in a pigeon coop for the sun to peep.
A brittle wind shapes a vase and then a hearth
in the sky. A lonely lady steals a moment to weep
behind dark windshields driving up north.
Her son, alongside crushes a candycane, sleeps
every night hearing stories of a man, whose absence
rules his small world, a world his friends can’t peep.
She can’t help but sacrifice, as this distance
has never been smaller over last two and half years.
He lives ten thousand miles away; his presence
is more a play of shades mixed in her tears.
She wears dark glasses to hide her fears.
A contest entry
- Prewrites But NO "fresh" writes by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended June 6, 2008, 77 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Not bad ...
not bad at all. I would certainly have never thought of using "peep" in that way. You need a comma after "deep" in line one. Otherwise, I see nothing you need to change.
Sadly, life is difficult for many, and what you've pointed up here is a major problem with men in general. An enormous number of them are prone to "leave" after engendering children, which means that we have vast numbers of children being raised with no fathers around. That impacts the future of all in the final analysis.
All in all, good job.
Thanks for entering. -
Sorry if this is a random question, but since I can't see author's names as the contest's editor, it's a needed question as well. Did you enter another piece, Under the Lamplight? Thought I recognized your picture below by your reply to a comment. Please let me know.
As for this poem, I thought it was very well written. Here the ideas flow together, and while the sentences are split, the imagery remains smooth and connected. I also enjoyed the rhyme scheme and the concluding couplet. Did you mean to use the word 'peep' twice as a rhyme? I liked the way you phrased this story, switching gently from the mother's point of view to the boy's and back again without unnecessary words or elaboration. You stated the images, described them just enough to give the reader a taste, and then withdrew, moving on to the next. Very nice. -
Now that is one of the best comments I have ever received. I am totally flattered my friend.
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you tell these little stories with your writings. they are the perfect length. not long and drwn out and wordy, that you have a balance between your brevity and your imagery. again the "dis-jointed" imagery that holds a person intrigued. that the "story" itself keeps a person intrigued. the brevity is subtle throughout the length of the poem that it is almost like a caress, and when you get to the end of the poem it all falls into place like a perfect puzzle, and one has to stop and think "yes" they are like poetcally prose ephianies. they read like whispers. very beautiful things you write.
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Really great effort, loved the originality in your lines, especially:
"It’s raining, mud puddles are digging deep
stretching their lips to sip from a barren earth.
I’m waiting in a pigeon coop for the sun to peep.
A brittle wind shapes a vase and then a hearth
in the sky. A lonely lady steals a moment to weep
behind dark windshields driving up north."
Such vivid imagery! Good luck in the contest.
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A poem with great depth. It shows the reader very interesting images. A rather sad Mother's Day poem but brilliant. Warm Regards...vivela
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This is gorgeous D. I will come back to applaud it tonight when I get some more.
I went clap happy this morning and I am out of clappity claps. But I will come back. I love the sonnet....it works for you. 
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good one
Lovely poem; worthwhile read; all the best -
I have probably written five sonnets in my life LOL. This was one of them.
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Very good. I'm impressed. You've done a terza rima sonnet here, and those are no picnic. I would suggest a slight change here:
Her son, alongside crushing a candy, sleeps (crushes a candycane, sleeps)
Otherwise, I think you've done quite well, particularly since this is a terza rima, and, as I mentioned, those are more difficult to write as a rule. -
"A brittle wind shapes a vase and then a hearth
in the sky. A lonely lady steals a moment to weep
behind dark windshields driving up north."
Incredibly vivid imagery, D. ~ a hauntingly pensive & beautiful piece, my Friend...Good luck in the contest, Scribe...This one's a winner, in my book...
Wanda
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this is a nice write with solid rhyme that isnt forced and a good flow well done on this
love and light
blaze -
Very well written and expressed. Loved the feel and flow of this one and the emotion. great write. Keep your pen forever flowing! Bunny
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Very nice mothers' day poem. I get the sense that they are going somewhere. I wonder where?
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