*Death Of Millions*
Full of sorrow
Full of hurt
Many suffered
Many are dead
Mourning for deaths
Searching who’s dead
Many felt Sympathy
Many felt lost
But some still survived
In a city full of life
Now a city full of mourning
Praying for the lost
Praying for blood that was spilled
Praying was all that was done
Bodies under body
Blood on the floor
Hearts full of sorrow
And over flowing grief
People praying
People mourning
Innocent people
Innocent blood
All shattered by two blows
Sorrow, grief, and lost
Are emotions at show?
This event is now sacred
Deep in the those hearts
Of those who are lost
And never will be forgotten
Author notes
Written May 8th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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Nicely done
This is really good, nothing more then a beginners flow. The easyest way to fix that in any poem is to limit as many useless words as you can. One of my fav qoutes is by Samuel Taylor Coleridge,
"Prose equal words in there best order;
Poetry equal the best words in there best order."
Just to give you an idea of what I mean here is what I would do
4th line instead of 'are dead' put 'died'
6th line instead of 'who's' put 'for' for simularity with the line before
13th line "Praying for blood that was spilled" to "Praying for spilled blood."
15th "Blood was on" to "Blood upon" you lose so a word there
Then 3rd form bottom, 'Deep in the hearts'
and last line, 'and never forgotten.
Keep in mind, it's your poem. I think this will help. But it's 100% you poem. I really like it, I think with work, maybe more then what I have to offer this could be a great peice. But it's really good work don't under estamate your self. Well done.
Edited on Jul 14, 5:56 p.m. because ''. -
It's actually pretty good; my advice is to not repeat the same words in a few lines in a row. Use a thesaures(sp?) if you can't think up of a word to replace it.! Overall, it's good!
<33Serbianbeauty
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