Noose still around his neck,
Gun still lying next to his head,
Her feet hovering, not touching the ground,
Him crumpled, crooked, lying next at the base of his bed.
Revive the bodies,
Hide the rope, the knives, the pills,
Brush away all of the pain,
Before the depression kills.
Leave the places in the grave yard,
For the murdered, the old, the ill,
Wake up all of those suicides,
The ones that society kill.
Move all of the bodies,
Before the families come home,
The people who had no idea what would happen,
When their loved ones were left on their own.
Turn back the clocks,
They only need an hour,
Revive the unnecessary dead,
If only someone had the power.
Author notes
Written May 6th, 2006
A contest entry
- Have you ever... by Age of Rain.
1300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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maybe, for the first paragraph, you should try:
"Noose still around his neck,
Gun still lying by his head,
Her feet hover above the ground,
He lies there crumpled on his bed"
(unless you still want to include crooked in that last line, then you could say something like: he's crumpled and crooked on his bed)
the second paragraph really just needs minor tweaking, like taking/adding one or two syllables, for example, something like:
"Revive the bodies
Hide the rope, knives, and pills
Brush away the pain
Before depression kills"
and lastly, for the third paragraph, just some tweaking again, my suggestion is:
"Leave the places in the grave yard,
For the murdered, old, and ill,
Wake up all those suicides,
The ones society will kill."
i changed the last sentence around just to see how you like it. i thought it was kind of awkward saying "the ones that society kill" since society is being used as a singular. i just thought it would make it easier. :]
but the poem is SO powerful! what a great, VERY RELEVANT message. great job!! (i couldn't believe i hadn't read this yet!)
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a bit unclear
murdered by society
great wording of great concept
but why change the clock?
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Yeah, I probably should have made that clearer. Well, (in my head) the people who died at the beginning of the poem are dead because they were abandoned my society and then left, at home, alone because nobody saw how depressed they were. If you turn back the clocks an hour, then they'll still be alive ad something can be done. Or something like that. I should redraft, but I've hit a wall this this one! Thanks for the comment!
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A very good write..thought provoking.
I really like your last verse..it's great.
Very well done.
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You had some big things happening in ths poem. For me, the strict rhyme scheme spoiled it a little. I most liked ' the unnecessary dead' and that message shone back up through the previous stanzas. Not enough to totally illuminate, though. This will work, this poem, but it needs more time spent on it. IMHO
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I have to agree with you there! Thanks for your critique, it's really helpful!
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ewwww on the background (just my opinion). Now, I like rhyme. Yours just seemed...meh to me. You repeated 'kill' as well. Those things aside, I enjoyed the message of your piece. You also played with the emo cliche a bit, and then reversed it. I'm rather fond of that. My favorite stanza is your final one 'turn back the clocks' sticks in my mind. Best of luck!
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This is my favorite line:
Turn back the clocks,
They only need an hour,
Revive the unnecessary dead,
If only someone had the power.
You're right, suicide is unnessesary. Thanks for sending out this message!!!
Peace out!
Cassie
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excellent poem
Deep ... very very deep ... Scary and extremely sad !!
You have taken a rather unique approach with this subject but it paid off with this fantastic write ...
Thought-provoking and powerful
Keep writing
Stay safe
~Amanda
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i love how you state that suicide is unnecessary. that line "revive the unnecessary dead" was definitely a great line to put into the poem. the poem in general was great. <3
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definately a great write, good luck in the contest. Yami
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this is a really good poem, great meaning
Kimberley
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Nice approach. You figured out an interesting way to talk about suicide. I like the imperative mode you used, as well.
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