Oh requiem for nature's death
In these, the cold and lonely days
When beating halts in Mother's breast
Her life we cannot hope to save
Our past is long, our future swift
We shan't escape our sinking ship.
Fault lies with us and noone else
Our selfishness, our foolish youth
Has brought about this sorrowed Hell
No more shall we glimpse Eden's truth
Our ego lies in what we take
We can't abstain for beauty's sake.
Oh dirge we sing at lifeless end
For loss of beauty then we weep
Our tears to heaven upward send
As Gaea looks upon our sleep
Our lonely hearts her songs sore lack
We would but die to have them back.
Author notes
Option 1: Mother Nature and society's treatment of her.
Written May 4th, 2006
A contest entry
- New members contest - May 2006 by AP Greeters.
300 points, ended June 5, 2006, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I totally agree with the suggested changes, and believe it would be a truly great piece if you utilize the information you've been given. Wonderful write. Patricia
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I very much enjoyed reading this. You did a splendid job with the rhyme scheme that you chose and told a strong message within the lines. Nicely done all around.
~ John
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Yeah true.. the fault is no one else'
Well written. Your words flow was gorgeous, far too high to expect from a new writer. Keep it going.. and Good luck in the contest
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This piece is simply breath-taking. It flows so smoothly and just carries the reader along. Your imagery is so gorgeous - this is a piece one can read over again and again.
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Beautiful.
As everyone said before, this piece is archaic, it's classic, it's iambic - but more importantly it's flawless and beautifully constructed, and I feel as though you slowly pieced it together with love and creativity and skill. The use of every word was painstakingly chosen, the form and flow of the poem was meticulously designed. I am a complete amateur myself and my opinion does not carry much weight, but I don't think I can't fault you for anything. I really think you should win this contest. You are clearly the most skilled of the writers of May. -
This was a very good write, from the content to the format and expression of the theme. I like the archaic feel from the use of certain words, as this is quite appropriate to your rhyming and meter.
In terms of line 1 in that second stanza - I know rewording it as no one else's throws off the meter, but I'm sure you can find another way to rephrase while maintaining the metric count because noone's else is just improper grammar.
Other than that, thanks for entering and welcome to the site.
Best wishes in the contest,
Stacy
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A perfect masterpiece! If you make those few suggested changes-this will be absolutely flawless. Well done!! Welcome to teh site!~vj
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There something that really attracts the reader inside this poem and that is the flawless rhythm and vast flow you've created along the lines A beautiful piece this is with a strong message!
thank you for sharing this with us and welcome to the site! -
This has a wonderful rhythm and flow to it.. great wording as well. You got your message and thoughts across quite well. Thank you for sharing. Good luck to you in the contest. welcome to AP
~Kristy -
A suPERB write all around. Your iambs and rhymes are flawless and tight. You brought the classic feel to the page.
Suggestion
However poetic, the 'shan't' is not as practical these days. Trust me...I've also been critiqued for its use. This has a special sound of captioning lyric. ...would make a great anthem ...in ANY language. Hope you're linguistically knowledgeable.
Wonderful entry. Thank you and welcome to the site!:
i -
I really love when a poem has such perfect rythym that it even strikes the sound of a word I have never seen in print before with its pronunciation. The word Gaea is one that I have never actually seen, but have often heard. The rhythm and flow of the piece led me right through the pronunciation so that I knew it was a familiar term.
Very well done and great imagery. Good luck in the contest and welcome to AllPoetry
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Very nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree with Dawn totally on this poem. I just have one suggestion and it is up to you. In line 5, perhaps changing it a little. You have; "The fault is ours and noone's else".
I thought it might look a little better as "The fault is ours and no one elses". Just a thought. Best wishes in the contest and Welcome to All Poetry.
Joyce
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This seems to me like you have written right from the heart and told all that is on your mind on the matter. Nicely done. Emotions run with your true words and sadness seems to be the emotion that stands out more then others, You have kept this too under 20 lines. Well done on this write and good luck in the contest.
welcome to the AP site.
Dawn -
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