Its been only a short time and my mind is still fluttered
These feelings seem strong but my head feels less cluttered
I'm both captured by your beauty and subdued by your gentle touch
I know this might seem short noticed, but I want you very much
I want you to call my own, and be there on cold cloudy days
I want you when I'm a lone, and to share popcorn with at the movies
I want you when I feel confused, and to cry with when I've lost everything
I want you to heal the bruise, when I've endured a long tiring day
I feel that you've touched my spirit in a way that I've yet to see
The warmth when I hold you in my arms I wish would never end
I like you as a friend and more but want to hold you as a crutch
Underneath one arm forever as a partner in my life
I want you to see the world in my eyes, and take you to see new faces
I want you to hear the joys of my life, and let you feel a full life
I want to laugh with you when we go to see an amusing movie
I want to feel pain when I let you go and have to tell you good night
Author notes
awww love gooey goooey awww shuttup haha! yea so i like this girl and we're taking time and whatnot, i just like her blah blah u know how it goes
Written May 2nd, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Great
Trevor, I know this was written a while ago, but for some strange reason, I never had a chance to read it, or something like that. You did a very nice job, and I knew you had a soft side, but I hardly ever see it, so it's nice to have it come out every once in a while. What better way than to express it in poetry?!?
Fantastic, Trev, and deserving of my applause.
I sort of like how it's mixed between free verse and rhyme. It makes you really look into the poem.
Nice job Trev, and take care.
*Debbie* -
Its funny that you say that now, b/c my general intention when i wrote it was to eventually turn it into a 2nd poem. IT was really late and sometimes as an easy way to express my emotions i begin rhyming, but i do agree, it distracts from the piece, and overall just doesnt look very nice. So i thank you for your kind words, the new poem with the last 4 stanzas is now called "Your Left Crutch" .... thanks a lot! God bless
trev aka TROT -
Very Good
Hey Trot. I like this poem very much because it contains so much that is good. I am going to be honest with you because It would not honor your talent or you as a poet to do anything less.
This poem enchanted me, because of the imagery, the clever use of metaphor, and the genuine emotion that it evokes. I also like the fact that it does not read like a Hallmark Card or sound syrupy and sugary as love poems often do.
It does however have faults, or at least they seem to be faults. The first three stanzas do not rhyme. Thats OK! I love freee verse and frequently use it myself, it is an exeptionally descriptive evocative and powerful poetic form, just read Walt Whitman, the Master of Free Verse. However, from Stanza 4 onwards you rhyme. They are good rhymes, clear consistent and unstrained, but, except in exceptional circumstances, where a particular effect is being striven for, it is a bad idea to mix rhymed and unrhymed stanzas. It makes thpoem seem fractured amd distracts the reader from the message.
Secondly. I really think that you have not one poem here, but two seperate and distinct poems, each a work that stands alone in its own right. I believe that stanzas 5, 6, and 7 are a seperate piece of work and should be removed and published on their own, with no alteration, perhaps with a title like for instance, 'My Promise' or something of your choice. On its own it is very beautiful and has the quality or reaching out and grabbing the reader attention and touching something within them. You could then look at what remains, tidy up the first three stanzas, making them either rhyme, or perhaps changing the rhyming part to Free unrhymed verse, thus restoring consistency, rhythm and flow.
I hope you accept this, as it is intended, as constructive advice and suggestion. If you want to slam me please feel free to do so. However when i see work of this quality that could be so much better, I have to be honest. I applaud it anyway, because of its innate quality.
I would love to know what you think and what you decide to do, if anything.
With Respect.
George -
This is such a beautiful and romantic write. From "A Deep State Of Mind", what a perfect title for it. A love like this I think is what all of us, if not most of us search for every day. You did a great job with this. Thank you for sharing it with me!
Allen0826 -
Aww this is sweet, being romantic is not gooey if you ask me chicks dig the romance better
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1 - 5 of 5
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