Prophecies, mother is wailing, time stands still
Babes kept close to breast, soil blackened by dirty hearts
Thankless creatures inhabiting vast borders
Infecting, detestable and vile
Provided us with a shelter
A vast canvas of deep blues and scenic greens
We show our gratitude with a putrid array of sickly filth
Two arms cradled vulnerable mortals and breathed into helpless lungs
A delicate life force: (78 percent nitrogen)(21 percent oxygen)
Thank you mother... We return with steel pipes like burnt out corpses
Pumping a suffocating thick haze, seeping into every being
Choking the life force out along with our pride
Trading paper dollars for the perverted use of our animal ancestors’
For Lavish coats, waste and smutty desires
Mythical personification of nature
Or inner seeds lying in every you and every me
She will grow in each one of us one day, push our egos to the brim
(the realisation sets in)
That we are all obliged to care for this expanse,
This world is all we have
Author notes
Based off emotions felt from the second picture in 'May's New Member contest' about nature. I hope it makes you feel something or think a little different about the state this earth is in.
(image from google images)
Written May 2nd, 2006
A contest entry
- New members contest - May 2006 by AP Greeters.
300 points, ended June 5, 2006, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Dear Patricia, Firstly thank you for your comment, it was very encouraging.I do enjoy free style and find it hard to settle into certain styles. thank you again,
honeyandtar -
Thank you John, I enjoyed writing off a theme I have always been so passionate about.
Hope to hear from you another time,
Honeyandtar -
I really like this! Not everyone can pull off such an excellent freestyle on this subject, but you have done very well. You should be pleased with your work in this; I certainly am. Hugs, Patricia
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I knew the images in this contest would be prove to be great inspiration for thought provoking writes, and so far, I have not been disappointed. This was nicely done.
~ John
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thank you so much rasberry! I'm glad you took the time to read it (:
Love honeyandtar -
I liked the usage of time stands still phrase. You have done a marvellous job here, so glad u took the time to write this. Thankyou. Good luck in the contest.
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This poem is very vivid - you use wonderful imagery here. The poem was very interesting to read and I can tell that you spent some time considering what the image portrays.
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thank you for your support!
Im glad you enjoyed the poem
honeyandtar<3 -
Well, this poem definately shows that you've been digging very deep into the picture and I really do like that to be honest there are some refreshing and very interesting words here that really pulled my attention
a very nice translation from feelings and visions this is! thank you for embedding this strong message within the lines and for entering the contest! I wish you the very best of luck
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thank you for your comment Vickie!
<3 -
I appreciate your comments and critique! I tend to get a bit carried away with my imagery when im passionate about an issue. Ill work on backing up those emotions with 'showing words' next time.
Thanks again love
Xo
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This piece is very thought provoking, mostly due to its bluntness. I like that - sometimes sugarcoating just worsens the situation, because then there is no real perception of truth and/or consequence.
My only critique about this piece is that it is a bit too wordy - there is very good imagery throughout, but much of it is through your "telling" with too many adjectives and such, rather than "showing".
Thanks for entering, and welcome to the site.
Best wishes in the contest,
Stacy
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What an impact this makes on the reader. You brought forth some things to consider, no doubt. Best wishes in the contest!~vj
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thank you darling
<3 -
I really like your first two stanzas.. you got your message across wonderfully here. Great images and descriptions throughout. Well expressed thoughts, I enjoyed reading. Thank you for entering the contest. Best of luck to you and welcome to AP
~Kristy
Edited on May 08, 10:12 p.m. because ''. -
thanks again hun!
<3 -
Thankyou so very much for your comment and thoughts Sunny day.
Also thanks so much for the correction with 'descent'!
<3 honeyandtar -
One thing I forgot to mention, in the title. You might want to correct the word "decent", I believe you meant "descent".
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Excellent work!!!!!
This was really intense, an effective write on the fact that we
are responsible for making sure our earth lasts. I am very impressed by this. Great take on the picture you have here.
Best wishes in the contest and welcome to All Poetry. Enjoy your time spent on this great site.
Joyce
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thankyou so much for your comment and warm welcome
(:
xo Honeyandtar -
WOW! IMPRESSIVE!!!! Your meaning with your words was expressed really well and that makes this a really good read. I see that you made it 20 lines. Good luck in the contest!
WELCOME To the AP site
Dawn -
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thankyou for your comment RainMist
<3 honeyandtar -
Thank you so much Thistle for bringing the 20 line limitation to my attention. I must have overlooked that and got carried away!
I have made some slight changes to compress the poem plus removed a stanza that was not needed to portray the idea.
Thank you so much again
honeyandtar<3
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This was an absolutely wonderful read for me. The only thing is that there is a 20 line limit to be in compliance with the contest rules. I would hate for a write this strong to be overlooked over such a little thing, so I suggest that you simply go through and redo some of your line breaks. Combine some of the shorter lines. Don't make them so long that they spread entirely across the page and try to keep them shorter than the longest line you have now.
I realize that you did this poem with line breaks rather that lots of punctuation and reads wonderfully to me. You may have to add a bit of punctuation here and there to get the right number of lines in it. Of course, sometimes that can be as minimal as a hyphen on a coma.
I really like this poem. It is clear cut and straight forward and has a loud and clear message.
Best of luck in the contest and welcome to AllPoetry
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For Lavish coats, waste and smutty desires this phrase sums it all up and we call it progress & technology. Hope a lot of people wake up to smell the roses, in this case? Burning rubber at the rate we're on. Rain Mist here.
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Thankyou for bringing that typo to my attention
'The form is balanced overall, with exception to the longest lines in some of the stanzas.' with regards to this statement, I did try to trim the longer lines but I didn’t want them to loose there meaning. Thank you for bringing this to my attention and I look forward to more critique from you soon.
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Very good!
This is so very impressive. I mean it. The content and the different descriptives takes this poem to a level above.
The meaning was expressed without bitterness giving the notion to hope or strive.
I'm coming back to read more as it unveils in layers.
A critical review is invited
~Or inner seeds lying in ever you and every me <-- I think you meant every you.
~I'm not sure the math in parentheses is effective with
all the artsy wording you have. Maybe you could weave it
in there a different way. Just my thoughts on it.
~ The form is balanced overall, with exception to the longest lines in some of the stanzas. Condensing might do best if it
doesn't exceed the required amount of lines. Another one of
my ideas..lol.
Thank you so much for entering. Welcome to the site!
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