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Transparent or True?

 

 

 


she whispers...

Tis I,
who
at your side
would lay  
to gently
caress away
all of that
which ails
your troubled mind,

My love,
do not dismiss
the taste

of my kiss
that upon you
I bestow
as the setting sun
is low

and the moon
creeps silently


across the skies.

Look now
in to,
my eyes
of blue.

Transparent or true?

As you see
only

the reflections
of
You...


Author notes

trying to show compassion and love

A contest entry

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 32 of 32

  • Amazon Huntress
    May 11, 2008

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    Very sweet message, and the idea of feeling invisible echoes the well-known concept of falling for someone and not knowing how to tell them. Delicately evocative poem.
    Thanks for entering!
    *~Huntress~*

  • Merciful-Manner
    April 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    good

    i like it good luck


  • ForeverLastingComa
    April 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very sweet..my favorite lines were,

    "do not dismiss
    the taste

    of my kiss
    that upon you
    I bestow
    as the setting sun
    is low

    and the moon
    creeps silently"

    Nice write, thanks for entering and good luck

    ~*ForeverLastingComa aka Leesha*~


  • aligurl
    January 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow I loved this poem. A very well written poem. It's like it's being whispered. That's how I read it. And it just rolls off the tongue. Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.


  • Entwining Beauty
    October 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    oh my this is very beautiful good luck

  • Virgoan
    September 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is my first time to read this poem. I will be re-reading all the entries like I usually do.

    Initial score = 9.3

    Thanks for sharing and keep on writing my friend.

    VIRGOAN


  • Sanity-Day10
    September 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is good, what I was looking for in this option, just an original take on it =]
    Best of luck in the contest


  • tawk gold member
    February 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful and so full of emotion. Good luck in my contest


  • Never Fall in Love
    February 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    According to me, this poem seems rather more of the love-type than a dark poem
    I'll still let it in the contest .. But it's not really what I'm looking for
    Option 5 is about unrequited love ... and somehow .. it just doesn't fit
    sorry

    thanks for entering

    NeveR ♥


  • Manic Panic
    February 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great poem. I really liked the form that you used, in this, it helped the piece flow nicely. You've captured a lot of emotions, and feeling in this.
    I'm not sure under which option this was written for, but I still very much enjoyed reading it.
    Thank you for entering, good luck in the contest.
    ~Manic

  • disparate
    February 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well done.. the rhyming was impressive, it fit really well and didn't seem forced at all. Definately made this poem just that much more.

    This made me think of someone telling someone they'd love them true, unlike love offered by someone else. It's so hard to tell sometimes, what love is false and what isn't.

    Best of luck in the contest and thanks for taking the time to enter. I'm terribly sorry about the delay in commenting.


  • HerbalGoat
    February 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I adore your subject matter, and the fact that you presented it beautifully, though at times is a sad subject to deal with. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • kkfox4
    February 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    great poem. this is a very nice form or writing, so great job,

    Kankainiku


  • tawk gold member
    February 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Sucha sad love poem filled with emotion. Great flow and content. Good luck in my contest


  • Quixotically Yours
    February 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This was a nice poem; definitely not like all the other love poems I tend to read. Your use of punctuation, especially with the commas at the end of almost every line, was a bit overwhelming.

    Thanks for entering!


    • Blankscreen2222
      February 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the helpful critique. I think it might benefit well from a quick edit. :-)


  • lucy sky-diamond
    January 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    a sad but thought provoking poem, very well written. thank you for your entry, and good luck in my contest and the others it is entered into


  • forget my memories
    January 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow this is sad. i loved it. nice job. thanks for entering my contest.


  • x Gemini x
    January 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    First, let me thank you for entering my contest.

    Second:

    This poem was very touching. The flow and imagery was very well done. I suggest the use of inserting spaces (maybe making stanzas), so as not to OVERHELM the reader.

    Otherwise, this was good.


    • Blankscreen2222
      January 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for the critique.
      I've had another read through and can see what you mean.
      I have amended as necessary.
      Blank.

  • Rootless
    December 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Very good poem and good luck in the competition

  • Virgoan
    December 13, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    I can sense the sadness in this piece. The longing is well versed. The words fit the thought in free verse.

    Lines worth remembering:

    Do not dismiss
    The taste of my kiss,
    That upon you i bestow,
    As the setting sun is low,
    And the moon creeps silently across the skies,
    Look now,
    In to, my eyes of blue,
    Transparent or true,
    As you see only,
    The
    Reflections ,
    Of,
    You.

    In line with the contest, you were able to significantly state your thoughts. Well written piece.

    Thanks for sharing and I wish you goodluck in the contest.

    ---"I don't know what to say. Do read my mind."---VIRGOAN


  • Dlvvanzor
    November 25, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    Very passionate and loving. Great job! Poetic and artful.

    Good poem and the best of luck,
    -Dlvvanzor


  • PrettyRagDoll
    November 19, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Oh this has a pleasant flow. The ending was perfect; it wrapped the whole write together. Thank you for sharing and thank you for entering my contest.
    -d0l


  • JeannieD Hunter gold member
    November 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Yes this has an old world feel to it, which makes it even more striking. Very well written. Very beautiful. Thanks for the entry. Good luck. Jeannie and James


  • Blankscreen2222
    October 6, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Mr F. Yes you got it in one!

    The other person could not see me for being me, and instead could only see himself. I might just as well have been invisible.

    I wrote it in a (quaint?) old fashioned way because i was trying to be a bit dramatic and romantic as well.

    Its a sad poem, not any angry confrontational one.

    Glad you liked it. :-)

    Thanks for reading.

    Blank.


  • Mr Fluent 4 Fun
    October 6, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Eyes reflect only the truth.

    Hey, this is fab, It's so quaint, rhymes great. The title "Transparent or True", askes a question. Does this poem give an answer? In my opinion the eyes of who whisperer are true (The other would not see the reflection of themself otherwise). The eyes of the other are transparent. This really is my verdict of the poem wrong or right, I thought I would let you know. Great poem very good indeed.


  • Blankscreen2222
    September 28, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    LOL... the bit about the snowball effect made me laugh. I think if I had had a snowball when I wrote this, I know whose face I would have splattered it into.
    Maybe he would have noticed me then!!! (haha)

    Thanks.
    Blank.


  • Congruence
    September 28, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Very Good

    I always like endings in poems! I liked the begining but the ending, it was special, loved the way it flowed, the use of punctuation (sadly a rarity) was good and really added to the poem.

    an excellent piece, bit of a snowball gathering pace.

    James
    Edited on Sep 28, 7:06 because ''.

  • Forgotten Lyrics
    April 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. You can write. I was listening to Rod Stewart when I was reading this. Maybe you should make it into a song or something. Went really well. I absolutely loved it!

  • Blankscreen2222
    April 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    ..

  • Rhin
    April 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I get an odd sense of Renaissance love poetry going on here... Rather nice. I like the atmosphere, and though the rhyme scheme may make it a bit predictable and choppy-sounding, it has a nice ring overall.

1 - 32 of 32