four forty-four
and we are so very far away.
three centimeters of dust
rusty air and tousled hair(just touching)
separates.
our two pairs of eyeballs
wrapped in bondage
roll nerveless through juice
collide with all the chaos of a spider's sigh.
the room is thick with the smell of dreams.
stars fall over folds as the blanket breaths
splutters, coughs and
two tiny earthquakes shake,
little squiggles of movement we must have swallowed in our sleep
crawl up our passages and disturb, and wake.
the stars run from freed vision
stumbling over each tightly woven thread.
a spider scuttles underneath the bed
( smile )
and we are so very, very close.
Author notes
first in a long time.
Written April 27th, 2006
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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wow. i havent read anything in a long time, but this was amazing. I kind of felt a hidden erotic theme going on, and i loved it! Though i am still not one hundrend percent clear on what exactly is going on, the phrases and words you use are beautiful! I will be back to read this a second time!
Loved it! -
i'm sensing something dirty!
the lst part was my favorite! congrats on an excellent poem!
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Glad to be of some help. On another note , I would love to feel a tab bit of egoism after a poet like you has said such a thing...But alas , I find that I am only doing my best. Sometimes a poem just calls for accolades and there is little to take notice of. Other times I find important things to make notice on and my opinion is completely chucked out the window...It all depends on the work itself the person has put forward. I think it is only fair that I wish contestants good luck as I appreciate all of the people invited to such a great extent. Too many times you see contest holders say nothing to the entries...I try my best to respond to everyone with the same outlook I hope others do for me. But yes , You know you are good and certainly by now , Expect nothing less. As do I.
Edited on May 11, 10:04 because ''. -
And that is one of the best compliments I have recieved on this site, thank you.
Yes, I agree with you on the seperation of "splutters, coughs and" so have attached it to the previous stanza for now, just so that it looks a little less distanced, at least, if it does not sound less. I'll come back to it.
hmm.. you must get told this everyday by someone but I love your comments. such ego boosters, especially since they come from such a well respected poet, yet always with a helpful criticism. (I'm not sucking up to win the contest, honest
haha)
Always found the most... ironic(?) thing to be when a poet wishes someone luck in their own contest, but thanks anyway.
Mellor x -
- The second stanza took my breath away. I often
Wonder how images that seem so unrelated can fall
So beautifully into perspective when looked upon
From an outside angle such as mine. If you read the
words out loud , There is so much power in the verse.
The eyeball imagery and the spider sigh creates an
Atmosphere that is not soft. I don’t know why but
I think the stanza could have an offspring poem on
Its own. Images like that show how good metaphors
Can be when used in such a manner.
The second stanza’s last two lines reminded me of
My mothers old quilt. Doesn’t mater how , It just
Does. Something about the thread and the stars…
Her quilt was covered with different colored stars
And almost every pattern on the quilt was soft like
A rabbits ears.
Nice ending as well…Love how the spider imagery
Becomes important all over again. Makes the poem
Almost stillborn. It reminds me of a photograph ,
Taken right before someone looks away for
A few seconds. Quite lovely.
I guess my only critical observation is if
The line “ splutters , coughs and “ needs to
Be separated from the before and after
Stanza’s….Sometimes it can cause too
Much distance between the reader. It
Might be just because the rest of the poem
Falls so well into place…I think it
Could easily be connected somehow.
This is superb poetry and I am glad
You chose to enter this into my contest.
Never lets me down when I read your
Work. You are one of the strongest
Metaphoric/abstract artists on this site.
And I think that is one of the best
Compliments I’ve ever given someone.
There are parts of this that reminded
me of my own writing.
Fantastic.
All the best and good luck in my
Contest ,
James
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intriguing abstractness, hard to tell if it referes to actual lovers or the spiders themselves having a feast during nightime and playing in their webs... ...or maybe to that late hour of the night when two lovers lie semi-awake, somewhere in between their conciousness and of course, their sleep, they fall back into themselves...okay, I think now i've reflected on it, I've seen the imagery intended!...great job! and best of wishes for the contest
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Its wonderful to see you back on AP again. Congrats on penning such a beautiful piece - beautiful.
--steph -
why look i trakced you down and came across this brilliant piece of work, its confusing for my small brain but it does sound alot like sex which you aimed to be, but its very word choiced well because i read them and dont understand a single word x....
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Delicious!
Althoug it is abstract and pointeldy aimed at such a destination, I don't think it is too far from reality to make it a jumble of words. As with all great poetry, it twists your tongue and mind alike; wrapping us in and out of the web you've spun. It's meaning is not altogether clear to me yet,but if it were, well, that would just take all the fun out of it!
Delicious! -
Hi Mellor,well youare back in full fettle, super write, loved it,all the best in the comp, this should do very well, a pleasure to read, Di
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I think I remember your name from reading Strawberrynadir? Is that possible?
Tightly woven (seems like you might find a newer way to say the smell of sex and dreams line).
Good luck in the contest. I think this is the type of poetry Mr. Pill enjoys.
Great first piece after a long while ..
Lisa
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Great if this is the first in a long long time - your muse is back and working overtime on this one. Deep and filled with vivid visuals.
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thimply thuperb
oh wow! brilliant! such powerful atmosphere and vivid descriptions. this is very much you. simply superb. i really did enjoy reading this, much more than the ones ive read in the last few months. well done, really made me imagine.
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