Ur a liar,
a user,
a down right abuser,
a faker,
a taker,
a big make mis-taker,
a talker,
a walker,
a 'round my clock stalker.
Ur the dust in my hair,
and the clip to my wings,
flaunting around all the troubles it brings.
Ur the pain in my side,
in my head,
in my heart,
using our friendship to tear me apart.
Ur a singer,
a song er,
a must do right wronger,
Ur haunting,
Ur helping,
Ur taunting,
Ur yelping,
come on, just make up Ur mind.
Ur a fraud,
Ur a fake,
u just make a mistake,
put it in another ones face,
and just walk away,
like it's all of their doing,
while Ur just off screwing
around with another ones heart.
and it tears me in two,
to just think about u,
all alone in the dark,
i guess i should bark,
because that's all that I'm ever to u.
Ur a user,
abuser,
a down right mis-chooser,
let's just bring all the lies to an end.
once again.
Author notes
Alright well, I probably should ahve put this in sooner, but I figure I might want to explain this a little better, and the way that I wrote it. The 'bark' word thrown in there was because with this particular friend we had an inside joke about me being a dog. It's old, from like seventh grade and is a really weird story but it's just a really personal stupid nick name that sometimes got to me. It's written like a text message because that's how I wanted it to come off, like it's something that I didn't want to take the time writing correctly because she's just not worth the trouble. the songer bit, is also an inside thing, my friend loves music and would constantly call herself the songer, because she could pretty much name anything that came onto the radio, stupid i know, but I really did send this to her and everything so that's mainly why it's written like that, not that I don't apprishiate the friendly criticism, i just figured i might as well clear that up. Any other mistakes i made though, really were well, mistakes. Lol.
A contest entry
- Away from the Cliché by Someone.
350 points, ended May 26, 2006, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
While I do applaud you for submitting a love poem in a contest trying to get rid of overused lines and comparisions, for love poems are hard to write without using clichés, I would suggest that you look over your work before you submit it.
The weak points: the use of both "ur" and "u" read like a text message instead of a poem (though I don't have the right to make assumptions about anyone's work and you have poetic licence anyway). You have made up the word "song er" (again, poetic licence) which seems to make the reader think that you are just trying to find things that rhyme. "i guess i should bark" honestly make me think that you are trying to rhyme again. Finally, there is one cliché that I found in your poem: "all alone in the dark", which can also be used as "all alone in the shadows." Many rock songs tend to use this cliché, so make sure that next time you write a poem you watch out for this.
The strong points: this free-verse poems uses a lot of rhyme aside from the words that you have made up. It reads like a rap that I would hear in a poetry slam, which is some of the best poetry that you can ever hear. I like the line "a must do right wronger", because the paradox that it is empowers the entire work.
While I may be awarding points in a contest, you must realize that this is only my opinion. Be prepared to accept both postive and negative comments on your work. Most of all, keep writing because you can only get better with time and practice.
~David "Someone"
5/14/06
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