it's nighttime in century streets
it's nighttime and there are lights and
i'm driving because i have to get out of here
so let me pretend i can't hear
[ANYthing] you're
[saying]
i can't think (out) you know
[you know i can't think]
you never do know(hite lily fraction)
//you never and never and
NEV-ER are you and you
are never (ARE you)
and without and to be
with [out
some thing
one
other
no lilies for us
lilies for no one
always without white lilies out
out with]
never YOU
the sky was so dark blue it hurt--i couldn't think
the only things up there were thousands of aliens
(i'm trying to hate you but
there's nothing people love more
than a sad little girl in love)
Author notes
I was flattered to have been offered the option of entry.
I'm not sure how much I like this poem
but I did write it for someone
so
it does mean something to me.
Written April 23rd, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- dear we must eat the liver. ( continuation pt. 3 ) / invite only by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended August 29, 2006, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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i love it. this is something new and kind of refreshing. love your style.
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I love the way you set this up, and the repitition of the same words, over and over again just in different places. It's so unique and yet once you realize what it's about, you immediately think back to how you felt and this poem goes along so well with that memory.
"the sky was so dark blue it hurt--i couldn't think
the only things up there were thousands of aliens
(i'm trying to hate you but
there's nothing people love more
than a sad little girl in love)" <-love that. Amazing way to end this poem. -
you have a talent for making the poem sound. behind eyes. it feels inexticably linked to shifting modalities of consciousness - like camera panning with the mind's eye. like feeling out loud. "know(hite lily fraction)" is such a powerful collision, especially foreshadowing the later return to the lilies... hmm. yes.
x -
Bree - I thin i liked this almost as much as the 'What people leave behind at mass' poem. When you get published with the club I want this one in. I read 'Jaunty Pills' critique and was blown away. Someone on allpoetry who isn't an angsty little *$#@! ? Shock.
I love you -
Gasped breaths.
Yes.
Thanks for reading. -
Thank you very much.
-
I like the spacing, the gasped breaths, the way the typography chopped it up into little bruised moments. Really good...I'm not quite the critic as James, but mm.. reminds me of the madness of Ophelia, and.. it's like.. I read it again, I see the phrases hop out like little personal mantras, no? that repetition is almost to ones' self.
it's so distracted and.. focused all at the same saddening time..
really nice.. ^^ greatest of goodly luck. -
houston we have a problem"...this phrase came to my mind after reading this unique write, because that was the phrase I thought of when there was a day of 95 in which when I realized I was falling in love with someone, there is that awkward sensation that you just want to push hard on the brake pedal, on do not lose yourself, to not fall, but sometimes "kaching!"...the right coin falls through the slot, and you cannot help but become more and more in love the more and more you try to put away those thoughts, those emotions...so delightful but restless at the same time...which definitely seems to be the double-edge feeling cpatured with this poem . Best wishes for the contest
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I think it has a lot to do with that I have been reading your work for so long...You kind of become familiar with a poets various nuances. In general you have always been one to stand out on an overpopulated site. Reading your poetry has been a great relief for me around here and , Though I never stopped long enough to drop a message , Has kept me riveted.
Thanks so much for the kind words. I am glad that my comment could effect you in such a way. Indeed more people around here need to take more time commenting on the poems they read. If everyone took a few seconds to reflect on what they just read , They might amaze themselves.
- James
-
Never has anyone comprehended my writing so well. And I do strive to "leave plenty of room for interpretation without obscuring
The reader in a muddled up mess of images that have no
Bearing on one another."
You hit that one hundred percent. I want to get my message across, get the important things down, while leaving the reader invovled. I admire that you picked up on that. Wow.
That was probably the best and favorite critique I've ever gotten. Thank you, thank you so much. -
- I have never seen repetition and word play so effective
Or better used except for your second stanza above. The
Way in which you pieced the words , Kept the reader
Interested…It’s a delicate process and one that you have
Now raised the bar for. And then you draw attention
Towards the end to “ white lilies “ and the imagery
Changes , Becomes more somber. I also would like to
Mention how agile the images you create feel and
Pronounce themselves.
I wouldn’t consider this experimental though , As
There is a depth to your words , A fondness that
Should not be looked away from no matter what. By the
End of this short write , You seem to fathom the aliens
As a sort of tension from the writer. It feels like
Unnatural imagery , But then you realize , No , It is
So much more than that. It is like breathing. You take one
Step from the page and the emotion changes. I also think
You leave plenty of room for interpretation without obscuring
The reader in a muddled up mess of images that have no
Bearing on one another.
There are times in my own life that I can
relate with almost specifically here and for
you to be able to tap into my soul is a gift
in and of itself , Especially not knowing a
damn thing about me.
I think reading you is like an exhale…A long out of
proportioned exhale that was long overdo. I can almost
Guarantee while reading you that I will see something.
A sign. A place. A room…From the life I live in. So startling
Sometimes are your poems that they are like deadly blows
To ones heart , While at the same time , Massaging the hell
Out of it. What also strikes me as somewhat brilliant is
The use of scattered capitalization and punctuation that I
Would , At most other times , Utterly dislike. Not once did
I feel that here. I think it is almost a work of art in and of
Itself and sometimes when reading a poem of this nature
One must reflect and come back to the beginning.
Never stop writing as I will never stop reading.
This is a great entry.
All the best and good luck in my contest ,
James
Edited on Apr 25, 10:22 p.m. because ''. -
i like this. it is so brain-spinning. and i like the way you break words off, like know(hite) and the "some" bit because it makes obvious the layers of words. i think i could read this one hundred times.
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