I pull into the parking lot
And look up at the towering water slides
They lay dormant now
But within a few weeks
They will be full of screaming kids
And parents wondering where their money went.
Yes indeed, no more working at McDonald's
I'm going for that deluxe apartment in the sky now.
I step in through the door of the tiny office building
And give the secretary my name.
Five minutes later a man appears in the doorway.
He can't be more than twenty five.
His hair is bleached and spiked
His shirt is sleeveless, though it's not warm out yet
He wears cargo shorts and flip flops.
All in all he gives off that kind of
"I'm a hippie douche bag
With an inferiority complex
That makes me feel that I need
To show off my muscles to be cool" vibe.
I already don't like him
But I give him the fake smile
And follow him through a few hallways
We pass the room where they store the mats for the slides
And I smell the distinct aroma of chlorine
"Yup this is one classy place"
We come to another room
Furnished only with a couple of picnic tables
I sit down across from him
And the questioning begins.
He brings out a clipboard
I can see the list of questions on it.
"Why did you apply for this job?" he asks.
I stare at him and hold back the smartass comments.
'Why did I apply for the job?
Because I want to serve the community's children!
I want to make a difference by sitting at the top of a slide
And telling people when it's safe to go.
I need money, you friggin retard!'
Of course I only think that
"Well I thought this would be a fun place to work
A place where I would be happy
to get up and go to work in the morning"
He scribbles on his little clip board.
This idiot doesn't know what he's doing
Who's he to judge me?
Some stupid high school drop out
Now the assistant manager of a water park?
Wow, so he can ask questions off a list.
"What skills do you have that would be useful in the workplace?"
'What skills?' I think, 'what skills?'
'Well I have the skill to wave an Okay sign
At people and tell them to go now.
I have the skill to yell out No Running
I have the skill to work a cash register.
I have the skill to wrap a wristband around people's wrists.'
Oh and did I mention I can even swim?'
"Well," I say, "I'm CPR certified
And I can speak some Spanish"
More scribbling on his part.
That jackass
I've decided that I hate him now
His stupid fake smile
His condescending tone
That righteous 'protect the earth
By smoking weed!' attitude.
"What makes you more qualified that other applicants?"
Well if that isn't the dumbest question ever, I think
Isn't that what you're supposed to figure out?
Isn't that your job?
I look good without a shirt, how about that!
"Well," I say, "I have had first aid training,
I'm sure that counts for something"
Stupid! I yell at myself internally
Don't make yourself look bad.
"Why are you a good choice for this job?"
Could you be anymore vague?
Well of course you could
You're a hippie douche bag
Take this job and shove it
You mother f-
"Well, I'm a reliable person
You can ask any of my previous employers
I always show up on time
I hardly ask for time off
I do what's asked of me to the best of my ability"
More scribbling on his part.
I want to scream but suppress it.
He looks to me and gives me the fake smile
Hands me his hand for a fake hand shake
I take it and listen to the fake bullcrap
"We'll call you within the next week and let you know
Thank you for coming, etc."
I walk back out of the building
I know they're not going to call
But the jokes on them
Because I stole his pen!
Author notes
Yeah, I applied for a job at a local water park over the summer. I wasn't even expecting an interview actually.
Written April 22nd, 2006
A contest entry
- The dreaded Interview by verse-atility-jac.
300 points, ended May 27, 2006, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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LOVEE, it. Hilarious.
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This is BRILLIANT!!!
A really, totally well deserved Gold!
this is exactly the type of stuff you think about when doing an interview, or sometimes just seeing people out on the street!
I know the "hippy" type you are on about, they think they are the "shizz" that they are retro and cool..
They make me laugh.
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lol what the fuck, man that was the funniest shit i've heard all day, i have been sitting here depressed because i'm embarking on a major adventure and scared shitless, but that almost made me laugh, i feel the same waqy most of the time
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very funny
this was a very funny and very true to life write and i love the way you tell of the things you think in your mind and then the things that you actualy say out loud, very funny, good luck in the contest and keep up the good work. -
Yes I like it better this way
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Well, this wasn't really like a verse poem, so the "verses" were organized more into a type of paragraph form, but I tried to change it a bit.
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I would like the verses seperated a little more though, seems to be short then long then short then longer with no break in-between
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Good.
You know, I wish someone walked into an interview and actually said these things because that would be as funny as hell. I would just...die of laughter. Now that I think about it, I think they shouldn't be so picky about such a stupidly simple job. You don't even really need people skills to tell someone to "Stop" or "Go." >.< You should like...smack that guy in the face. I do hate how fake applying for a job makes people though. I remember during my first job interview I felt like a robot and that stupid guy ate it all up. Though my job really requires mad crazy people skill and you know it. =P Good work. *HUGS* -
well that was interesting. Ha! loser lost his pen
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You have just put into words the typical interviews I have had, absolutely brill, Just applied for a job, had all the criteria on the form, didn't even get an interview!!!think I was over-qualified lol, and yes the typical ending "will get in touch" really means no!, you have so put the nail on the head lol, loved it, thank you for entering x If I ever start my own business |will be head hunting you
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