Shuffle these thoughts
Make them blue without air
Perhaps understanding would fall
Like the mist that surrounds you
This seaside stroll past midnite hour
Sheds much light under the moonless sky
But Prisms form to deny
full comprehension
Or maybe perhaps
You don't make sense
The ripping inside
Quieted in your arms
Until your lips bring a sense of loss
But who should suffer
for a hope..
This hope that abides
Awaken and torn and mended so fast
At your fingers
Left so curious, what is this right
Perhaps the right is wrong
When freedom fails and hope destroys itself
Wrapped in the same mist
With your arms around me
---JLM
April 5, 2006
Author notes
so you ever have moments like that? yeah things have been a little mixed up as of late so... you know how it goes. makes ya write. hehe.
btw, thanks jaunty pill for inviting me into your contest. it's really funny, since i haven't been on to post in almost a year, and i come back to find i've been invited to your contest hahaha. thanks again. 
Written April 21st, 2006
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
moving
I'm wondering if i've some how does this all before.
-
beautiful poem
You have talent poet.
Smile,
Judy
-
Resonating
I find it hard to pinpoint what exactly strikes such a resonance with me... but, really, that's the mark of a wonderful piece. ^^
Only critical comment is the 'midnite' ...should it be 'midnight'? I was wondering if there was a particular signifigance to that as you also have 'Prisms' capitilized. ^^
Good luck in the contest!
-
Wow...that is amazing. Yes, life's like this a lot. Thank you for reading mine. Sorry it's taken me forever to comment back, it seems I don't have enough time to get on here as much as I used to. Anyway, have a wonderful day!!
~Katie -
- The only real critical thing that stood out for
Me that I can bring myself to muster is the use of
The word “ these “ in the opening line. I think
It could have easily been taken out of the image
Or a different word inserted. Maybe it is the use
Of “ them “ in the next line that makes the word
Stand out as oddly done and tired.
I think you have one spelling mistake as well:
“ midnite “ should be “ midnight “…Unless
Of course I’m missing something and this
Mistake was intentional…You never know
Nowadays , That’s why I ask.
I think that is it.
The poem itself talks in a way that is fluid
And tangible , While still keeping in tact
Ideas and metaphors in a unique and
individual way. Your metaphors are also
Not confusing or seem to be inserted for
The mere idea of putting them there. I
Would call your imagery “ collected “
And “ Still spacious “. As a reader I
Have come to expect a certain flair
And buzz from your work. It is usually
Late at night that I read you , Don’t
Ask me why…It is 12:00 am right now.
See what I mean?
There is just a part of me that wants
To keep reading. Almost like an intoxication
To the words and the feelings that you
Convey though a simple , sufficient and
Powerful voice. You make good use of
Your spacing , Stay clear of cliché , Watch
The words and how they control themselves ,
All while hanging by this thread that you
So elegantly walk. It wouldn’t take much
For a poem of this nature to turn to crap
In someone elses hand. It is good to see
That you are able to do such a thing and
With promise as a writer.
Personally I found the third stanza to
Be where the impact startles me almost
To a crawl through the rest of the poem.
Not only am I blown away by your use
Of ideas , But I also was able to consider
A different and , Almost , Upsetting
Justice.
You are just a good writer. Simple as
That.
Fantastic entry.
Thanks so much for entering and
Good luck ,
James
Edited on Apr 25, 11:12 p.m. because ''. -
perhaps
You don't make sense
i love that.
i am also glad that you are back. this poem makes me shiver a little bit. because it seems to be about coldness to me. -
I am glad you are back!!!! I have also read pretty much every single poem in your collection! Welcome back!
-
Just thought I'd stop in real quick and mention that I have read this piece and I plan to comment on it later this afternoon or this evening. I did notice that you had not posted in so long , As I pretty much read every single poem in your collection up to this point...LOL. It's a breath of fresh air to have a new poem to read by you. 
You should post and stick around more often. I'll always read. Might not always comment , But you can bet I will read. Think of this invite as my little way of thanking you for the poetry I have read behind the curtain.
Talk later and I'll be back ,
James
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
