I may love you forever
even if we fall apart
I'll have your handprints
tattooed on my heart
from where you caressed it so gently
and burned through all my barricades
every cliche
you've had me feel
you made it very real
what I once thought
to be some far away
cruel mindgame
that life would dangle before me
but never allow me to play
I'll never forget you
cause your smile's printed on my mind
and your touch, on my soul
I'll always have a place for you
because it's not like
I could fill this hole
with something new
if you ever decide to vacate it
it'd be like an infected wound
that no amount
of peroxide or TLC
could cure
because that's what love does
it burns holes in us
and our lovers are the salve
Author notes
This is the revised version of the poem I had up a couple days ago, please read and critique again.
Thanks ^^, x|barricade|x
I might love you forever
even if this doesn't last
always, I'll carry your handprints
on my heart
from where you held it
so gently
for every cliche
you've had me feel
for making what I once thought
to be some cruel joke
life would rub in my face
but never allow me to taste
something very real
I'll never forget you
cause you're printed on my mind
and my soul
all those places
I either thought were to broken to function
or too tainted to possibly
produce positives
I'll love you because
I could never stop this feeling
I couldn't imagine...
love that turns to hatred
must be a powerful thing indeed
It'd have to be
to break me of this yearning
I have for you.
this is the first version ^.
Written April 20th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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it has a good meaning but the flow does not work for me. Too run-on with no breathers or pauses for the reader to reflect. God bless and write on.
-
trés bien
I liked the imagery on this one a lot, stuff like
"I'll have your handprints
tattooed on my heart"
Awesome. The rhyme scheme was a little hard to grasp though. I wasn't sure if you were trying to rhyme or if some of the lines just rhymed by coincidence. But other than that, great write, I can definitely see improvement from the first version.
Good work!
love love
-Satellite aka Solomynne
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well done. I especially enjoyed the last line "and our lovers are the salve." Quite profound!
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Much better hun...I liked the first one as it was but the revised version is much better xx
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that is probably the most in-depth critique I have ever recieved, thank you very much for taking the time to write all that. I thought about what you said when I rewrote the poem, please tell me what you think of it now.
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I actually loathe rhyming unless it just happens to occur naturally, I don't want to change the whole feel, I want to keep it, just make it seem less cliche. Thank you for your opinion though. I've rewritten it, please tell me what you think now.
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thank you for your feedback, I've changed it, please tell me what you think of it now.
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I might love you forever
even if this doesn't last THIS
always, I'll carry your handprints CARRY
on my heart
from where you held it HELD
so gently GENTLY
for every cliche
you've had me feel FEEL
for making what I once thought MAKING
to be some cruel joke CRUEL JOKE
life would rub in my face RUB IN MY FACE
but never allow me to taste
something very real SOMETHING VERY REAL
I'll never forget you FORGET
cause you're printed on my mind PRINTED ON MY MIND
and my soul SOUL
all those places PLACES
I either thought were to broken to function BROKEN/FUNCTION
or too tainted to possibly
produce positives POSITIVES
I'll love you because
I could never stop this feeling STOP/FEELING
I couldn't imagine...
love that turns to hatred TURNS TO HATRED
must be a powerful thing indeed POWERFUL THING
It'd have to be IT'D
to break me of this yearning BREAK ME OF THIS YEARNING
I have for you.
----------------------------------------
Hey Barricade.
This feedback might be a little more in-depth than you were looking for, and if so I apologize. My thoughts on this is that it's a good outline for a love poem, it points in a writeable direction, and only wants some word choices or images to complete it. I've put words I would look at in the right-hand margin, and what I would do is take them completely out of the context of the poem, and try to think of fresher or, for lack of a better phrase, more poetic ways to state them. I'll give you a couple of examples on the first ones. I think the word "this" on L2 lacks punch and expression. What exactly is "this"? Or, maybe a stronger question might be, "This what?" What is the relationship right now? What's it like? What would be a good metaphor?
Then there's "carry your handprints." This is actually pretty good, and descriptive, visual. But maybe look for its weakness and see ways to strengthen it. "Carry," to me, sounds like holding it in your hands or under your arm. I think what you mean is that the handprints are inscribed, maybe burned into, branded upon, tattooed upon, scratched by a jagged, rusty nail upon, engraved in flowery calligraphy upon your heart. Maybe none of those is what you'd want to write, but they're just examples of how I might approach one word in an otherwise strong image if I were trying to strengthen it.
I hope this isn't too over-the-top for you. As I say, it's a good, functional piece of writing as it stands, but I agree with you that it's looking for ways to sing.
Be well,
-Steve -
You might not like me for this BUT I read and re-read your poem and I feel there is a few things you could change but it would change the whole feel of the poem.....here's an example...
I may just love you forever
And that may not even last
Your handprints I shall carry
On My heart where you did cast
You see I think we have our own ways of expressing ourselves and I think if you want to change it do it your own way because you might not like my style...do you know what I mean?
Love it though xx -
I would agree that it has a very cliche feel to it (i do however like that you point out the fact that these are all of love's little cliche's within the text). I would maybe take some of the "cliche" words such as soul, heart, forever, broken etc. and find new ways of saying these things in order to make them your own... a difficult task indeed.
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