Emotional Catastrophy

born a child full of hate and rage
feeling as though my world was a cage
never learning to feel my own pain
thinking if I cry, that's power they gain
from an early age of probably four
I've dealt with these feelings to the very core
never knowing where they surface from
always feeling more than just ugly or dumb
a sense of rejection - I am the black sheep
at night I put my face in my pillow and weep
getting better now - the nightmares are rare
but the pain in my heart does tear
to the very nerve of my inner self
and it rips away at my health
I try to be strong and just hold on
but for who; my family is gone
when I die and forever leave
I'm sure very few will grieve
that hurts to say; but it's how I feel
very few in this existence are real
inside I'm a child, screaming for love
Satan's gripping my life tight in his glove
I need a way out - I know that I do
but who will help me - could it possibly be you
could you love me now, just one more time
is owning up to me being your child such a crime
if so, I'll surely back off and give you space
I'm in no hurry - this isn't a race
are your arms big enough to hold
you amaze me when you act so cold
please warm up and let me in
so we can be a family again
I've been to hell, ask those who know
lived a life where I was too weak to say "no"
I took advantage of what was free
now a felon and ex-con - you're looking at me
my past a daily reminder why I hid
and refused to deal with life as a kid
I'd exert all my emotion to you, if I could
as a child I remember high above you stood
I put you through pain, no doubt
trying my best to sulk and pout
and now others often ask me why
I packed up and left with no goodbye
too much pain to endure at home
free to the glamour when I roan
I hate to admit it, but I'll say it all calm
truth be known, I just miss my Mom