Falling fully-clothed
onto a sun-warmed bed
seems criminal.
There is, in it,
something
that makes my body
shiver like a plucked chord.
Echoing a cat
I lie there,
absorbing.
My thumb traces designs
on the skin under my shirt
as I breathe:
in,
out.
The ceiling above is a blank canvas,
I picture them there
as comfort and warmth
charm me, momentarily,
to believe I am alone in silence.
Except--
as always
I am reminded of you.
Questions and too many heavy feelings
seep into me, seeking answers, but
I don't know.
I don't know.
My eyes slide shut
and in sleep,
I escape.
Author notes
Written April 11th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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WelshMafia,
I'm so glad my comment didn't offend you, and that you were able to leave what wasn't useful to you as it was--a difference in styles. In reply to your quick comment about reading and appreciating styles: you are right. Thanks for reminding me of it. Your style is not necessarily mine, and I sometimes forget that in commenting, though I am getting better.
Re-reading this was a treat. You have made it much stronger, I feel, and the poem leaves a much more definite taste with me. I can really say I love this. ( I don't say that often.
) Your meanings are more clear to me. I think you've mastered what you wanted to say and said it your way. The words aren't ruling you in the slightest. You've looked them all over carefully, if only to defend them to big meanies like me, and in defending have owned them. Bravo.
I wish I could applaud twice. I would. -
I like the revisions and rannilt certainly helped my job out to a certain extent...LOL. I can't believe I missed that spelling error on " breath " should have been " breathe ".
I like this , But you already know that.
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Rannilt,
First of all. Thank you for taking so much time to really look at my poem and comment. I mulled over what you said and took a lot of it to heart. You can see that in my changes! Other things you said that I didn't do were not bad but just a difference of style. Something I noticed myself in reading your poem was that there are places where I get stuck and want to insert a whole bunch of modifiers and the's and and's and whatnot because that is more my style. Yet I stop myself and read it how you wrote it and appreciate it all the more. I hope you can appreciate my style in the same manner.
Good luck in the contest. I will have to go look over more of your work now! ^_^ If you ever want me to look at a poem or want to comment on how I should revise one of mine. Feel free. I'm looking forward to it. -
Thank you for the wonderful comment. I have revised some of my poem and think that that last line flows better with the rest of the stanza now. I hope you think so too.
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Thanks for all the advice. I am going to have to sit down and really think about how my poem will be revised. I'll respond to you in a longer format soon. I just wanted to say now...
I swear I had already changed "breath" to "breathe" before. But I guess I forgot. Don't you hate that? ^_^ -
Wish I had the talent for commenting that the entries above reveal. Being a fellow-lover of that delicious human experience - the afternoon nap - though, I can tell you that your words make me recall the delight of it. Whatever heaven for man there is may well be the gentle lifting of all woe, as the eyelids close and the mind drifts away. In other words, I loved your poem.
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I like 'absorbing' because it's more cat-like, and more in the active, present voice you've adopted for the piece.
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as I breath:
in and out.
To begin, it should be 'breathe'. I think here you could use a line break to your advantage, both getting rid of the 'and' and creating more a of a rise and fall of chest feeling. (so then it would be 'as I breathe/in/out.')
The ceiling above is a blank canvas,
I picture them there
This just feels like more words than you need, to me. Try 'a blank canvas of ceiling...' Also, I'm unsure to whom the 'them' refers.
But as always, it seems
I am reminded of you.
Questions and too many heavy feelings
seep into me, seeking answers, but
I think one of these 'buts' has to go, but I'm damned if I know which. The first one, probably. The word itself sticks at me as I read because it is used twice in such close context. Do you need 'it seems?' Do you need 'into me?' What about just 'as always' and 'seep, seeking answers/but'? (and what about a line break before the 'but?' I'm not sure if you want the added emphasis of it being an end-of-line word.)
I don't know.
I don't know.
My eyes slide shut
and I sleep.
And escape.
The repetition works well here, with 'I don't know'. I like 'slide' better. The 'ands' at the end bother me most, I think. What about 'eyes slide shut/in sleep/I escape.'?
Sorry it took me so long to get this out. Re-reading my first comment leaves me wondering about its meaning, too. Sorry. What I meant to say was that I felt that there were extra words clogging your poem, but I lumped them all together in the conjunction category. Hope you're not offended by my comment, as it's just me evaluating based on how I write, and might not fit your style at all. Take what helps, leave what doesn't, I won't be upset.
There is something
criminal
about falling fully-clothed
onto a sun-warmed bed.
Something,
that makes my body
shiver the way a plucked chord does.
I had one thing to say about this section, too, before I close this long-winded thing. I think you can have a stronger opening by starting with the action of falling as opposed to the speculation of something. What about 'falling fully-clothed/onto a sun-warmed bed/seems criminal'? And then, since the 'something' wouldn't be as evident if you used the preceeding example, you could do something like 'something makes my body/shiver like a plucked chord'. Just suggestions.
I still love your poem. The images are very strong, and the flow is great. You have a clear voice, and it shows in this example. I'm going to have to check out more of your work.
Edited on Apr 18, 4:03 p.m. because 'i can't spell.
'.
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" There is something
criminal
about falling fully-clothed
onto a sun-warmed bed.
Something,
that makes my body
shiver the way a plucked chord does. "
- This is beautiful imagery and it further shows
why I always find myself reading you and often
sitting back , Wondering. The image of
" the sun-warmed bed " reminds me that the smallest
things in life , Usually taken for granted , Can be the parts
we don't want to miss...Looked at from a different
perspective I would also like to say that the " plucked
chord " also contains a semi-abstract quality that I think
is a nice firm way to mirror the beginning.
One thing I would like to mention is if the last line
couldn't be formated better to make the transition
smoother? The whole stanza has such a good flow and
layout , But then , At the last line it seems out
of place.
Your whole poem is captivating and what I think is so rare
on this site is an artist who takes their works to places most
writers/poets do not go...A challenging place that can tie
both the mundane and the atmospheric into a collection of
words that can move a person , Shape a land , Take the
simple idea and make it more...That I think is what real
artists are capable of...Taking time and making it happen
over and over again.
Also , I would like to point out that your ending seems
unsure of itself. That is not implying that it's bad , It just
ends. Like you wanted to say so much , But couldn't.
Like the pen held you back , Poised and ready to explode.
Looking it over it almost adds mystery. Maybe even
without your intent.
This is a great entry into the contest. Strong use of
imagery. Good use of spelling...All the things that have
made me a frequent reader of you.
If you do ever publish a book , Please let me know. I
would be more than happy to put money down.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest ,
James
Edited on Apr 15 because ''. -
Also do you think you can explain a bit more about why you think the ands and buts are not useful? I would be interested in your take on what they do or don't do for poems/my poem. Thanks!
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Thanks for the comments and the helpful advice. I read through my poem again and thought about what my purpose was when I was writing it. I only use one 'the' and that needs to stay to make the line...well make sense! ^_^ As for the 'but''s, I tried reading the poem without one of them or both but it takes away what I want to give it. So those are staying too. As for the 'and''s I like the ending and think taking one or both away of those would also alter what I wanted. However, I am thinking about changing
Like a cat,
I lie there
and absorb.
To
Like a cat
I lie there,
absorbing.
I can't make up my mind yet. Any suggestions? -
This IS good! Your turns of phrase are unique.
You have a few extra words in this piece that aren't doing anything for you. Think carefully about 'ands,' 'thes,' 'buts,' etc. I think you can do without at least half of them, and probably can eliminate three quarters of them in this piece. It would only tighten it up, I don't think the removing of those joining words would hurt at all.
Great piece! I'm pleased to be in this contest with you.
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I wanted to express the eyes of the subject in the poem aren't just closing or shuting but fluidly and smoothly crashing down for sleep...I guess...heh. Hope that helps with your understanding of it. Thanks for commenting.
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wow. i really liked it! you are so...*searches for words* unbroken and new. quite refreshing may i say!
u definately have talent. i loved your choice of words and way of saying things that i would have never thought of! i loved how you were saying that the celing is a blank canvas! loved it!
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>>My eyes flow shut
and I sleep.
And escape. << I didn't understand the connotation in "flow shut"!
I liked the flow and the thematic atmosphere this dispenses...
A good job!
D
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You have real talent. A sort of raw talent. I like the images you have created here, especially falling into the bed fully clothed and the "plucked chord" piece. I also can appreciate how we feel alone in certain moments and seem to never forget particular people to us. It is amazing really in a world full of people, how unforgetable someone can be in our hearts.
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