My heart bleeds the red of pain this world sheds,
it cries for children laid as sacrificial lambs
upon slabs set as thrones for drugs and lies;
their value unknown, hearts shredded and torn,
all given for a master who renders empty death..
and the angels cry ..
for the dead and lost;
Their harp chords worn from all the prayers said
to the Holy One, who answers again and again;
only to be ignored, treated as if He were dead,
and the world stands indignant at what they perceive
as an uncaring God who in reality ; bleeds the bleed..
and the angels cry..
for the forevers gone.
© Debby Sorensen Carlson
4/07/2006
r/w - 6/18/2008
A contest entry
- Give me your best by Nyabbi.
354 points, ended April 8, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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WOW i knownow I'm never meant to be a poet
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Spacie
Sure you are. Just start writing and don't stop ~~
I'm glad you liked this one. Blessings. Debby
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.. Ok, I fixed the "thes". Now, I am going to work on this meter thing.. I don't want to change too much but I am going to try and adjust this. I do appreciate all your help. Big hugs, love debby
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A Great Message
Oh, sweetie, thank you for the compliment of asking me to take another look at your wonderful poem. I have a suggestion for the following two lines:
1.it cries for the children laid as sacrificial lambs (delete 'the')
2 upon slabs set as thrones for the drugs and lies (delete 'the')
On first reading, I paid no attention to meter; however, it is irratic throughout: although, I feel that if it were consistent in the two main stanzas, it would add to the power this already conveys. Meter is the syllable count in each line. Usually, each line is either the same count or alternates: i.e. 10/10/10/10 or 10/7/10/7/10/7, or whatever. When each line differs from all others, it takes away from the flow, rhythm and power.
While the refrains between stanzas do not match each other in meter, I don't feel it impacts the over all piece. I feel they are fine just as they are. Really, even with inconsistent meter in the main stanzas, you still deliver a fantastic piece.
Lots of love and hugs, SisB♥n
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Ok Bonnie, Please look again and see if this is better. Thankd, hugs, and love, Debby
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Thankyou very much !!!!
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great
thanks for sharing this great piece with us.. the red background is a little bit too red for my eyes
it kind of hurts but thats what this poem is all about..
very good work!! keep it up -
Thankyou very much Rebeka.. I will look at that line again. Blessings. Debby
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says so much about society and the hopeless feeling we get at times from watching news and hearing of tragic events in this world...it could make you wonder if angels cry, i think they do. the poem is realy well written, and i love the content. the only thing that i did not like was "bleeds the bleed" which did not sound right to me, i dont know...other than that i liked it very much
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Thankyou Bonnie. I have a draft folder where I put the beginnings of poems. I opened this up and saw a couple lines.. and from there.. here it was . God always is timely. I think there are times when HE wants me to wait before I complete a piece. I think He waits for my understanding of HIS word on certain things.. then gives me the go ahead.
I appreciate your help, hints, crits.. Will exorcise the "the"s. Lots of hugs. Love Debby
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Powerful
Debby, this is quite simply profound truth woven into an exquisite tapesty: it is excellent! The clever layout also adds to the power of your convictions and the message this dying world needs to heed: and quickly.
The only thing I would suggest is to get rid of a few of those 'the.' More than one in a line tends to great a hiss or lisping sound to the ear. You might want to visit my Author Page, scroll down to My Lists, click on Helpful Hints for Writers Aspiring to be Authors, then read the article Writers' Seven Deadly Sins. Otherwise, this is darn near perfect, gearfrin!
Lots of love and hugs, Sis B♥n
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Thankyou !! I appreciate you reading and commenting. Be well.. d
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Thankyou very much.. Blessings. d
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wow. i like the way you weren't scared to expose your opinions. that was very admirable. and i like the point you are trying to make. the way you worded this poem was as if it were a speech, but with tremendous voice and a great rhythm. great work!!! i especially liked the first two lines. ''sacrificial'' i like that word. it sounds unique. good work.
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very nice write. this is a deep poem. you have done a very good job on this. i really enjoyed this.
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