The brush of your hair,
The scent of lilacs.
Sends my world into a blur
And then it goes back.
Lips so luscious ,
And eyes I could drown in,
You shouldn’t be legal
This drug should be a sin.
And as I hold you and keep you warm,
You’re taken away from me,
Will you come back to my side?
And love me again eventually?
As the dark and cold surrounds me
And takes away my care,
I lose my sanity
In this dark and gloomy lair.
I’ve never been this lonely before,
And a sinking feeling sits in.
The drug really wasn’t legal,
And now I pay for this sin.
And as I sit in my cold dark corner
With the wall against my back,
I hear a whisper in the air,
And I smell the scent of a lilac.
Author notes
I decided to write a love poem, not something I normally do, but I mean come on everyone has to try an attempt at it some day, and honestly this is my first real serious love poem, so please send me some positive, o constructive feedback.
Written April 6th, 2006
What did you think
Comments
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You could lose a lot of the "ands" and "as's" at the beginnings of your lines...this would increase their power.
For example:
"And as I sit in my cold dark corner
With the wall against my back,
I hear a whisper in the air,
And I smell the scent of a lilac."
...could become
I sit in my cold dark corner
With the wall against my back,
There is a whisper in the air,
I smell the scent of lilacs.
lilacs are very tiny flowers and usually referred to as plural.
actually that last line has some redundant phrasing...if you are smelling, you don't need to write "the scent"
perhaps something then...
I sit in my cold corner
With the wall against my back,
I hear a whisper in the air,
Redolent with lilacs.
or something like that...lol ..every one has their own unique style, and i am not criticising yours.
the poem had good emotion, and a strong, yet vulnerable style that i found endearing. it needs some tightening up however. if you do that, it has great potential.
good write ~tryst
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I thought this was okay but not very passionate. You really have to give examples of how she makes you feel and how she does it. I'm afraid you didn't describe the reasons behind their love in great enough detail for me, sorry!
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