She had no face.
At least that was how se appeared in their memories.
Perhaps it was better that way.
Her death wasn't classified
as a tragedy.
And there was no funeral.
Just a burial
which wasn't well attended.
A century later
perhaps someone would pass by
her grave and wonder
what she was
to somebody.
And the truth
was: she was nobody
to everybody.
Perhaps that's why she did it.
Author notes
Hmmm...is there something missing to this?
Does the title go with it?
Written April 5th, 2006
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
The title feels okay to me, but
I'll let you know if I change
my mind during my critique.
In this poem I'm not to hot about
the capitalization of "She". It
might have been meant to convey
the importance of the subject who
is "She", but sort of feels alien
to the poem rather than vital to
it's body. It's all a matter of
personal preference really. To
me, capitalization isn't needed,
but to others it sometimes has
a greater necessity. And if that
is the case here, my judgement
has no meaning. So either way
I've been honest and mentioned
what I feel is true to my thoughts,
so feel free to take my advice or
not.
Spacing could add a bit more
life to this poem, by breaking up your
thoughts. I know it may sound crazy to
space a poem that's so small, but it's
not unwarranted. Even the smallest of poems
can sometimes due with some pauses in
between each "stanza".
But these flaws pale in comparison to the
weight of the poem. There is huge backstory
that could be painted onto this. Everything
from the sad portrait of a famously depressed
young woman to the story of a homeless lady
whose life never made much of a difference,
who in her old age, died and was given the
burial all unknowns recieve.
A brief moment of prayer by an uncaring
priest, no tears, maybe some flowers,
but that's unlikely and the cheapest coffin
you can buy. The lowest thing the city can
get without just throwing her in a cardboard box
and dropping her off a bridge into the local
river.
Like I said, so much can be felt and imagined
from this small patch of words. It's amazing
the things poetry can make people think of.
"Her grave and wonder
what She was
to somebody.
And the truth
was: She was nobody
to everybody."
My last criticism is the use of words that
end in "body", like the three you used above.
As I've told hundreds of people, I just don't
like it when words with the same sounds are
put in such closed-in spaces. Not to mention
the "I am everything and nothing, everbody
and nobody" thing has become and big cliche
in poetry.
So I think you should fiddle around with that.
I have faith that you can turn that around into
something amazing. You're a poet whose work I
respect highly, so a little mistake like that
should be like making ice for you.
I truly had a blast reading this. It was short,
but full of life, so the length causes nothing
to feel out of place or underworked. I could say
that you might want to make this a little longer,
but I don't think it would make it any better and
in fact might rob the piece of what makes it so fun
to indulge in.
Thanks for your time and good luck in the contest.
All the best,
James
-
Awesome write. To tell you the truth, when I read the title, I thought it was about drinking. You know..that kind of wasted, but I guess it goes with this as well. Wasted life?
"A century later
perhaps someone would pass by
her grave and wonder
what She was
to somebody.
And the truth
was She was nobody
to everybody.
Perhaps that's why She did it."
I loved that part. The way you arranged all those "-body" words was really clever.
It seems kinda short but I sorta like it that way. You might, however...wanna add more..metaphors or something?
Anyway, great poem, thanks much for sharing. Keep it up. =) -
I enjoyed this poem. It seems blatant and simple, but at the same time, very complex. I really like the way you brought it to a close.
-
yeah the tirle goesthis is realy sad im cryin i tryed to kill my self six months ago know i wonder wold anyone car would i be forgoten as i was wile im alive
Adding your comment:
1 old applause
