"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was DEATH, and HELL followed with him." - Revelations
From the depths of despair along the road to nowhere,
waits a man dressed all in black.
He rides a pale horse and he shows no remorse
for the evil he's there to enact.
He searches the dark, where no light can spark
any hope into a depressed mind.
He’s the devil reincarnate, there to obliterate
those of us who fall behind.
You may be strong or weak, bold or meek,
it really matters not.
For if he’s hunting for you, know this to be true,
your life can be bought.
The price won't be gold; it’s the values you hold
that will determine your fate.
If you sell out your soul he will devour you whole,
and then it will be too late.
Beware of temptation when you're seeking salvation,
it’s the sign of the devil.
Life's path may get rough, but walk it enough
and you will smooth it level.
My advice my friend is to make amends
for any wrongs done in your past.
But do not delay, make things right today,
as the pale horse runs fast.
Author notes
Please give constructive feedback, good or bad, I'm a big boy, I can take it!! lol Thanks, Rory
Written April 1st, 2006
In a list
- My Favorites--These are poem from some poets here at AllPoetry that I really liked. All poems are listed with author's permisssion • next in list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
I really liked this. Only a few things I would change, but that is just my opinion and the way that I read. Everyone will read it differently, with a different 'cadence' in their heads perhaps...so if you are satisfied with the way it reads to you, I wouldn't change anything.
well done. I liked the message in this. The wording was great and the images, also.
good luck in your contest.
-
You speak from the heart, others should take it to their hearts. this is very well written and I wish you the best of luck in my contest. xXx
-
You speak the truth and we all need to heed your voice of wisdom. Take this poem to heart and repent! I always feel gratified when I read your poetry.
-
excellent
And that white has a name, and his name is Temptation.
Excellent poetry. This really impressed me. I will watch for your work now. Rhyme is great and message is strong but not overpowering. hugs WolfHeart -
On the money apocalyptus
Shades of I Antichrist (George W Bush) youve seen that White horse president as well and him being a Saint.Keep up the good work What about one abt the Prarie church? -
Love the internal rhyme- I've tried, it's hard, isn't it? To have the rhyme so close together without it sounding forced...
I think you did very well in your rhyme, as well as posing a warning- Very nice.
The price won't be gold; it’s the values you hold
Loved that line. -
great
good advice.. that pale horse is indeed very swift and unpredictable. -
Lovely
I really like this.Its well written,great flow, and a wonderful message.These days people do not try to make amends or repent and do not realize the conciquence for not doing such deeds.Well written and thank you for sharing this grand poem. -
Usually im not one for conventional ryhming, but this is moody.
-
I loved the poem it was very well written. if there one small thing, I think it would be better to leave out the word up in the second line, other than that it read very well
-
Good message
Red -
Awesome work!
Oh wow man, this is awesome work! I love it! What an awareness you are creating!! I do strongly connect with this poem! -
Hi, would like to have seen 2 and 4th rhyming all the way through,lol, I have done several with unternal rhyme but a little different in form, it is not easy to keep flow going without breaks, I liked this a lot, all the best, Di
-
Excellent, thank you Pisces and Pyrra for your useful critiques. I agree with your comments on "alive whole", it did seem awkward. I've changed it to devour you whole, hopefully that sounds better.
Pyrra, as to your second comment regarding smoothing the path, I didn't mean to imply age here, but rather if the person were to keep trying, eventually their path will become smoother. I have made a change from "be rough" to "get rough". I'm not sure if that helps clarify this point or not.
Again, thanks for your input, and please let me know if my changes have helped any.
Rory -
nciely done
think most of it has been said...went back and had another read after looking at the comments... i think it is interesting with plenty of thoughts to ponder over with some very good lines....enjoyed it... -
Cool fable.
-
creepy goods
why i got creeps reading this..... -
In this line "If you sell out your soul he will eat you alive whole/and then it will be too late" as to "alive whole" I would say pick one of the two, or find a better way of joining the two than a simple space. However, for the entire poem, I would definitely suggest employing punctuation at the end of the lines.
A thought:
"Life's path may be rough, but walk it enough/and you will smooth it level"
To me, this says that if you get old enough, then you're set. Only by virtue of time are you going to wear that rough road smooth. And that analysis clashes with the next lines of making ammends and such, however, I see no other way of interpreting these two. -
I don't have any constructive feedback, this is excellent! Wait, the only thing is maybe drop the "whole" at the end of eat you alive. I kind of felt that was the only interrupt in flow for me, but it could just have been a personal brain fart on my part. Otherwise this flowed well and is exceptionally written and what an excellent message done so very clever and creatively. I can't say enough!!
Michele -
awsome
Merry meet,
again, I am astonished. This is bloody brillant.
There isn't much I can say critically, if anything. I'm going to place this on my author's page. It's really great.
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
